QUIPS AND PRANKS.

New Zealand Illustrated Sporting & Dramatic Review, Volume XVIII, Issue 1021, 30 September 1909, Page 23

QUIPS AND PRANKS.

POOB BENEDICK. It’s “Hubby, put the cat out,” And it’s “ Dearie, fix the range;” It’s “ Have you wound the clock, love?” And it’s “ Have you any change?” It’s “Hook me up the back, pet,” And “ Lock the cellar door.” And it’s “ Do be careful not to spill Those ashes on the floor.” So let the bumper circulate And quaff a mournful glass Unto the humble Benedick, Who’s such an awful ass ! THE SOLUTION. Mistress: “When I engaged you, Lucinda, you said you had no male firiends. Now, almost every time I •ome into the kitchen I find a man there.” Lucinda: “Lor’ sakes, he’s no male Sriend of mine.” Mistress: “Then who is he?” Lucinda: “My husoand.” FOILED! There were three at the little table in the cafe, a lady and two men. Suddenly the electric light went out, Mid the lady, quickly and noiselessly drew back. An instant later there was the smack of a compound kiss. As the •lectric lights went up each man was seen smiling complaisantly. “I thought I heard a kiss,” said the lady, “but nobody kissed me.” Then the men suddenly glared at •ach other, and flushed and looked painfully sheepish. MANOEUVRING. The father: “That young man who used to call on you and stay so late is in the navy now, 1 understand?” The daughter: “Yes, papa; and think of it! His boat has been disabled. The last time I saw him he was being towed in.” “Well, don’t let me see him round here .at air hours of the night or you •will see him toed out.” NOT BY THAT NAME. Shoe salesman (to tall, bony customer) : “Tm afraid these shoes will Finch you a trifle, madam. I suggest that you try what we call our—h’m contracted No. 6.” Customer; “No, sir; I won’t wear a 6. Have you an expanded No. 5?” MAKING SURE. Prue (engaged a week): “George and I have never had a quarrel.” Mrs. lie Ter mined: “Oh, I think you ought to have one before you are married, otherwise you can’t be quite sure whether you are going to have your own way or not.” "* THE PARSON’S*. ADVICE. The visiting parson was giving Convict 4 5 consolation: “ You should not complain, my misguided friend,” he said: “ it is better to take things as you find them.” “ Yer on the wrong track, parson, replied the prisoner. “It wer’ practising that theory that got me nabbed.” AFRAID TO BE CANDID. A Gentleman who was no longer young and who never was handsome, said to a child in the presence of her JXftFQTIf-S * “Well, my dear, what do you think of me?” , . The little girl made no reply, and the gentleman continued: “Well, you don’t tell me. Why won t you?” . Two little fat- hands tucked the corners of a pinafore into her mouth, as she said, archly, in a timid whisper : •“ ’Cause I don’t want to get whipped. “DOWN ON THE FARM.” “Dad,” said the country youth who had just graduated from the district school, “I have long cherished a desire to go on the stage, and have at last decided, with your permission, “My boy,” interrupted the old granger, “all the world’s a stage. You hitch the mules to the big red plow and transfer the outfit to the tenacre lot behind the barn, where you can enact the star role in the beautiful drama entitled ‘Down on the Farm.’ ”

THE STOREKEEPER’S. INFERENCE

Mark Twain tells the following story- “In my early lecturing days-1 went to Squash to lecture in Temperance Hall, arriving in the after-? noon. The town seemed very poorly

billed. I thought I’d find out if the people knew anything at all about what was in store for them; so I turned in at the general store. “ ‘Good afternoon, friend,’ ” I said to the general storekeeper. ‘Any entertainment here to-night to help a stranger while away his evening?” “The general storekeeper, who was sorting mackerel, straightened up, wiped his briny hands on his apron, and said; “ ‘I expect there’s goin’ to be a lecture. I bee sellin’ eggs all day.’ ” OPENED BY MISTAKE. Here is another story by Mark Twain about a postmaster at North Dakota, who also acted in the capa-

city of coroner. This official was called one day to give his verdict upon the case of a stranger who had been the victim of a fit in the main street. As the man was known to nobody, he was hurried to the much-prized new “City Hospital.” There the case was diagnosed as appendicitis, but when the operation took place the attending surgeon discovered that the patient had been previously relieved of his appendix. The doctor endeavoured to retract his steps, but the strange man died from the effects of the operation. The postmaster-coroner, in rendering his verdict, filled in the space after “Cause of Death” with a rubber stamp which read “Opened by Mistake.”