MR KELSO’S RETURN.

New Zealand Illustrated Sporting & Dramatic Review, Volume IX, Issue 439, 22 December 1898, Page 17

MR KELSO’S RETURN.

Mr W. Kelso, the well-known Australian trainer, has Recently returned from a trip to England, and the following humorous description by “ Boondi” in the Referee will prove interesting to those of our readers who are acquainted with the gentleman : —Welcome to William Kelso, who, after many “ moving adventures by flood and field,” has returned to the scene of bis many triumphs, looking about two points younger than even “Young Billy ” himself. William, We Have Missed You,” was the song the poor punters sang when William landed, and with Tome show of reason, too, for whenever it was the Orville’s stable’s “ day out ” pork chops and tomato sauce were to be found on the backer s breakfast table for a month after. On the English turf William found much to admire (the pretty duchesses in particular —in a strictly platonic way, of course) and much to blame, ana I can imagine how “ Sweet William ” sat up and efared when he was asked to plank down 50s tor the proud privilege of entering the Epsom paddock on Derby Day, and being allowed to roost on a slab seat formed after the style of those supplied by an Australian dog and monkey circus. Some of the races might as well be run at midnight in the middle of the Never-Never country, for all that the bulk of the English spectators can see of them, while other flutters are oyer before the people seem to be aware that the starter s flag has fallen. Our William mentioned those and about a thousand other defects to the -English Jockey Club, the members of which seemed td be greatly depressed at the distinguished visitor’s- displeasure, and begged him not to mention the matter until the Fashoda trouble was settled for fear of capsizing that shaky article known as tbe peace of Europe. Amongst Mr Kelso’s pleasant recollection of down under” was 'his introduction by Joe Thompson to the Prince of Wales. The Prince was delighted with the Australian Beau Brummeli’s appearance, and said he would give a fiver if he had it to spare (which he hadn’t) to know who was William’s tailor. “ Barring myself,” said Albert Edward, “you are the most tastefully dressed man on the course; in fact, your superb presence has been quite a revelation to the Court circle, for most of us had an idea that the only things Australians favored in the way of clothes were a’possum rug and three cockatoo feathers .tied over the left ear.” Some light refreshments were' then partaken of at Williams expense, after which his Royal Highness opened a small leather bag and wanted to initiate the stranger into a lovely little game ; one that a father could play with his son, and the son with the father; but at a wink from Joe Thompson William took ~ the alarm and declared he had promised his pious old Sunday school teacher to never play a game of chance of any description whatever, and he was determined to keep his word. “ But this isn’t a game of chance at all,” said the Prince. •‘You haven’t got Buckley’s chance, my dear boy ; you put your money here and ” “Not much,” exclaimed William; “anyway, there’s Lily Langtry going past with Merman, and I promised Ter. Daley I’d see what she was like in case he ever thought of matrimony.” William’s candid opinion of the Lilj is that she was evidently “ good goods ” at one time, although her understandings were always dickey, 1 but she has gone very much “ off ” of late, and il is doubtful if she would stand another course of • matrimonial training. The praise given to Cleo jpatra—“ Age cannot wither her, nor custom si ale her infinite variety ’’—seldom applies to English beauties, and it is somewhat ooubtful it’ the Lily ” was eve.- quite (he peerless dame she was cracked up to be. She was always too cold and unemotional, and of late years her greed of gold has left lines on her once lovely face that should never be seen except on a vulture-like “ ponam of a shent per shenter. Like the Prince, the “ Lily ” was delighted with the ever-youthiul Squire of Orville Lodge, and on parting she siid, with a smile sweet enough to coax a shark from pork, “ 1 had no idea they raised such handsome men in Aastralia. How sad to think we never met before. And you so young and artless I ” William says that *at this critical juncture he began to blush so fiercely that his “ mustivy caught fire in three places, and in wild alarm he ran home and hid under his bed for fear a countess might chase him down and make him a prisoner for life in her castle. On the whole, our William seems to have had a high old time, and certa.nly no one deserved it more.