Anecdotes and Sketches.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLIX, Issue 23, 4 June 1913, Page 71

Anecdotes and Sketches.

GRAVE, GAY, EPIGRAMMATIC AND OTHERWISE.

No Need for a Fence. ARK TWAIN was spending a ■ | ■ summer in a small town while 1 7 a subscription was being / raised by the citizens for the building of a new fence around a very old and dilapidated cemetery. Mark Twain was asked several times for a contribution, but refused. Upon being asked for an explanation he replied: "I see no.reason for it. Those who are in the cemetery can’t get out, and those that are out don't want to get in,” . <?> <?■ ❖ He Kept His Reputation. An American judge, who had the reputation of never saying an ill word of any’ one, was once tackled by a lawyer friend who hoped to get him to admit wrong in somebody’. He tried every conceivable subject in vain, and then, coming to a notoriously troublesome character, he inquired: “By the way, judge, what do you. think of this man Blank, anyhow?” The judge considered a moment. “I think he has the finest whiskers I ever saw grown in Missouri,” ~he finally declared, with so much animation that his interrogator was utterly baffled. «><s>«> A Gentle Hint. They had been talking as they 'walkedShe had remarked pathetically: “Oh, it must be terrible to a man to be rejected by a woman!” “Indeed it must,” wan his response. Then, after a while, with sympathetic ingenuousness, she exclaimed: "It doesn't seem that I could ever have the heart to do it.” And there came, a silence between them as he thought if over; •

Who Would Pay? The taxicab driver was about to receive his sentence. "Prisoner,” said the judge, “I am satisfied there is no reasonable doubt of your guilt. The evidence shows that you drove the deceased about the city in your taxicab for two hours, then drove him to a secluded place, strangled him, and stole his watch. Have you anything to say’ before sentence is pronounced?” “Yes, your honor.” "What is it?M “I'd like to know, your honor, who is going to pay the cab-hire ?” Not Washed, hut Dry-Cleaned. A revival was being held at a small coloured Baptist church in southern Georgia. At one of the meetings the evangelist, after an earnest but fruitless exhortation, requested all of the congregation who wanted their souls washed white as snow to stand up. One old darky remained sitting. ‘‘Don’ yo’ want yo’ soul washed w’ite as snow, Brudder Jones?” “Mali soul done been washed w'ite as snow, pahson” "VVhah wuz yo’ soul washed w'ite as snow. Brudder Jones?” “Over yander to de Methodis’ ehu'ch acrost de railroad.” ”La4rd God. Brudder Jones, yo, soul wa’nt washed--h’it were dry-cleaned.” ❖ ♦ ♦ Caught! They were talking of the vanity of women and one of the few ladies present undertook a defence. “Of course,” she said, “I admit that women are vain, and men are not. Why,” she added, with a glance around, "the necktie of the handsomest man in the room is even now lip the back of his cbllaf.” And then she smiled 1 --for every man present had put his hand up behind hie neck!

Honk! Honk I lA man of the inventive turn called on a capitalist who was always on the lookout for new schemes that were likely to prove money-makers. “I have here,” said the would-be-inventor, producing bis model, “an improved alarm clock

that will make you jump, no matter how sound asleep you may be.” "What is’■ the improvement about it?” "You wijl observe that 1 have, in place of the unual gong, eubetituted an auto horn.”

The Canny Scot. It was in a West end restaurant, where Sandy went for a drink, and he ordered a whisky and soda, for which they charged him a whole shilling. He complained of the price and said that he was only accustomed to pay three pence for a nip of whisky. "Yes, that's all well enough.” said the barman, “but you’ve got to pay something here for the surroundings-the velvet seats audl the mirrors and the beautiful pictures on the wall, and all that.” Next day Sandy w*ent into the same place again, ordered a drink and put dow n three pence It was a different barman, but he protested. “ No, ho,” said Sandy. “No, no, mon; that’s all right. 1 saw yer pictures yesterday.” ••> >?* ’•> Who Died ? Two Scots met in an eigbteen-hole match. On one side of the course there was a high railway embankment. Over, this railway it happened Jock drove his ball. They hunted for it a long time, but could not find it. Sandy wanted Jock to give it up, but Jock wouldna, for a lost ball means a lost hole. Ami finally Jock took a new’ ball frae his poke, dirtied it, and pretended to find it. "Here 'tis, Sandy!” he called. “Ye’ro a leear, Jock!” responded Sandy’. '“l'm no leear. Here ’tis!” “Ye're a leear. For I’ve had it in ma pocket for fufteen minutes!” <S> *•> •$> Didn't His Dealing. Appropriate to the home rule question, a newly published volume of biography gives a story of. Mr. Gladstone and tho then Bishop of Peterborough, Hie famous Dr. Magee. The two were dining together, and Dr. Magee, in the course of conversation, made it plain that ho thought the government was not acting straightforwardly. "I am afraid. Dr. Magee,” Mr. Gladstone remarked, "that, Irishman as you are, you do not approve of our method of dealing with Ireland.” "It’s not your dealing that I don't like,” the bishop retorted, "so much ae you* shuffliugl”