Anecdotes and Sketches.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLVIII, Issue 13, 25 September 1912, Page 71

Anecdotes and Sketches.

GRAVE, GAY, EPIGRAMMATIC AND OTHERWISE.

A Clear Case. ZqY 1R ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE sat at a dinner on one of his visits to New York beside a lady who asked leave to consult him about some thefts. “My detective powers,” he replied, “are at your service, madam.” “Well,” said the lady, "frequent ami mysterious thefts have been occurring at my house for a long time. Tims, there disappeared last week a motor hoi n, a broom, a box of golf balls, a left riding boot, a dictionary, and half-a-dozen tin plates.” "Ah,” said the • reator of Sherlock Holmes, "the ease, madam, is quite clear. You keep a goat.” <•><♦>£> A Good Name. During the Spanish-American war Ifte U.S. Navy Department, by way of a graceful eompl&ient to the great universities, renamed two converted cruisers Harvard and Yale. Not long after Commodore Dewey was asked what new names should be conferred upon two little Spanish gunboats that had been captured in Philippine waters. "Oh,” said the commodore, "we'll just call one the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and the other the Pennsylvania College lor Physicians and Surgeons.” <®> <g> <s> Why They Went. As the Sunday-school teacher entered her elassroom"she saw leaving in great haste a little girl ami her still smaller brother. “Why, Mniy, yon aren’t going away':” "Pleathe, Mith Anne, we've got to go, ’ was the distressed reply. "Jimmy th thwallowed hith collection.”

Literary Encouragi iuent. He was a budding author, and his wife determined that his train of thought should not be trammeled by domestic worries, said to the new maid, "Now Jane, if you want anything, always eome to me. Never go to Mr. Bookmaker unless I am out.” A few days later there was a knock at Mr. Book maker's study door, and in reply to the usual "Come!” the new maid, fresh ami pretty, appeared. "Please, sir,” she said "Mrs: Bookmaker said I was never to disturb you unless she was out.’ "Well' said Mr. Bookmaker, inquiringly. "She's out, sir.” <$ •$> ■s> Couldn't Sit Down. His curiosity had led him to visit om of the largest lunatic asylums. He became deeply interested in one of the patients, who was evidently a highly cd 11 cated man and apparently very intelli-

gent. The visitor began to think it a scandal he should bo detained;' "Sit down,” lie said l , “amt we will talk your case over.” The inmate continued to stand. "Why don’t you sit down?” the visitor asked. “I can't sit down—there isn't any toast,” replied the other. “Not any toast?” echoed the visitor, in astonishment. “No. You see, I'm a poached egg, - ’ was the reply. <£> <®• <®> Making It Easy. Gladys Helen Montague, her transparent red-gold hair glittering in the sun light, sat at a mahogany desk writing her answer to Reginald Fitzmaurice’s proposal. Gladys's i.illigraphy was of the style which makes three characters perform the duty of twenty-six. In reply' came: — "My Dearest Girl. V • answer has made me the happiest man in the world. How slid 1 dare to hope that you would stoop to bless such as I? I pray that 1 may be worthy of you. my darling. I long to press you to my heart.—Thine, Reginald.” "My Dear Miss Montague,- tin Wednesday I start on a tour round the world. If at any time you should change your mind, a word ur two from you will bring me to voitr side. My letters will

be forwarded from my club.—Faithfully yours, Reginald Fit.zmauriee.” "Dear Gladys, -After a sleepless night spent in the vain endeavour to decipher your note. I have written these two answers. Will you kindly return int-. mediately the one which does not fit? I cannot stand the strain. -Your anxious Reginald.” <s> ❖ Found Him Out. It was .Sunday afternoon, and the curate, calling unexpectedly to visit a member of his Hock, found him outin two senses. The gentleman’s young son came to the door and announced his lather’s absence. “He's gone to the golf club,” said he, casually, and then, reading, perhaps, some shade of disapproval in the parson's eyes, he extenuated thus: “He - ? not gone to play golf, you know, not on a Sunday ; only to drink beer and have a game of cards.” Having thins cleared his father’s character, he shut the door on the dumbfounded cleric. |What He Needed. The amateur golfer bad not been doing very well, and toward the close of the round he turned to the caddie and said: ‘‘Let me see; is that one hundred and ninety-live or one hundred and ninetysix strokes?” "I don't know, sir,” was the reply, "What you need is an adding machine, not a caddie.” The Letter of the Law. —» A mother led her six children to tin? apple tree. It had borne but a single apple- no longer visible to the casual observer. “ 1 told you not to pick that apple!” she said, sternly. "We didn’t pick it!” the ehildrcn answered in chorus. Ami the oldest girl added, in an injured lone, " Von can see yourself that it's still on the tree. I—I mean—the core is I We only climbed up an’ —an’ took a bite once in a whilo —we didn't pick ill”