The Hand That Riles The World.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLVIII, Issue 11, 11 September 1912, Page 51

The Hand That Riles The World.

By

O. HENRY.

ANY of our great men,’’ saidi I /I k (apropos . of 'many things), i 1 r “have declared that they o-we ,their success to the aid and eneounagement of some brilliant woman. “I know,” said .Jell Peters. "I’ve read in history ami mythology about Joan of Are and Mme. Yale and Mrs Caudle and Eve and other noted females of the past. But. in my opinio*, the •woman of to-day is of little use in politics or business. What’s she best in, anyway? men makes the best cooks, milliners, nurses, housekeepers, stenographers, clerks, hairdressers and laundierers. About the only job left that «v woman ran beat a man in is female impersonator in vaudeville. “ I would have thought,” said I, "that occasionally. anyhow, you would have found the’wit and intuition of -woman valuable to you in your lines o»f—er — business.” " Now, wouldn't you,” said Jeff, with an emphatic noil.—“ wouldn't you have imagined that? But a woman is an absolutely unreliable partner in any straight swindle. She’s- liable to turn honest on you when you are depending upon her the most. 1 tried ’em once. Bill Humble, an old friend of mine in the Territories, conceived the jjluyion that he Waßied to be appointed United States Marshal. At that time me rand Andy "‘as doing a square, legitimate business of selling walking-canes-. If you unscrewed the head of one andi turned it up to your mouth, a half-pint of good Tye whiskey would, go trickling down your throat to reward you for your act o.f intelligence. The deputies was annoying me ami Andy some, ami when Bill spoke to mt* about his officious aspirations, I saw how the appointment ns Marshal mfght help along the firm of Peters and Tucker. “ ‘Jeff,’ says Bill to me, ‘ you are a man of learning ami (‘duration, besides having knowledge and information concerning not only rudiments but facts a n.ji attainments.’ “*T do so.’ says I, ‘and I ha ve never regretted; it. Tam not one,’ says I, ‘whir would cheapen education by making it free. Tell me.’ s.'ays L ‘which is of the most value to mankind, literature or horseraccng?’ ‘‘ ‘Why,—er—, playing the po l mean, of course, the poets and the great writers have got the call, of course,’ says Bill. • “ ‘Exactly.’ says I. 4 Then why do the •master mind's of finance .and philanthropy.’ says I, ‘ charge us two dollars to get into a race-track, and let us into a library free? Is that distilling into the masses.’ says I. 'a correct estimate of the relative value of the two means (d self-culture ami disorder?’ “ ‘You are arguing outside of my 'faculties <4 sense and 1 rhetoric,’ says Bill. * What I wanted you to do is to go to Washington and dig out this appointment for me. I haven’t no ideas of cultivation and intrigue. I'm a plain citizen, and 1 need the job. I’ve killedi seven Wi,’ says Bill; ‘ I've got nine children; I’ve been a good Republican ever since the first of May; I can’t read or write, and I see no reason why 1 ain't illegible for th* office. And I think your partner, Mr ’Tucker,’ goes on Bill, ‘is also a man of sufficient ingratiation .and connected system of mental delinquency to assist you in securing the appointment. I wiill give you preliminary,’ says- Bill, ‘a thousand dlollars for drinks, bribes and cabfares in Washington. If you land the job I will pay you a thousand dollars more, cash down, anfii guarantee you impunity in boot-legging whiskey for twelve months. Are you patriotic to the West enough to help me put. this thing through the White-washed Wigwam of the Great Father o»f the most eastern Hag stat ion of the Pennsylvania Rad-roid?’ says Bill. " We)l, I talked to Andy almut it, and lie liked the idea, immense. Andy was a. man of an involved nature. Tie wiw never content to plod along, as I was, Selling to the peasantry some little tool like a combination steak lveatipr. shoe born, jna.rcel-'wa-ver, monkey-wrench, nail

file, pota/to-mashrr and Mid turn l’arvo tu-rii'ing-fork. Andy had the artistic temper, which is not to be judged as a preacher’s or a moral man’s is, by purely commercial deflections. So we laccepted Bill’s offer, and strikes out for Washington. "Says 1 to Andy, when we get located at a hotel on South Dakota Avenue, G.S.S.W.: ‘Now, Andy, for the first time in our lives we’ve got to do a real dishonest act. Lobbying is something we’ve never been used to; but we’ve got to scandalise ourselves for Bill Humble’s sake, hi a straight and legitimate business,’ says I, ‘we could afford 1 to introduce a bit tie foul play and chicanery, but in a disorderly and heinous piece of malpractice like -this it seems to me that the straightforward andi aboveboard way is the best. I propose,’ says I. ‘ that vve 'hand over five hundred dollars of this -money to the chairman of the national campaign committee, get a receipt. lay the receipt on the President's desk, and tell him about Bill. The President is a man who would appreciate a candidate who went about getting office that way instead otf pulling wires. “ Andy agreed with me, but after we talked the scheme over" with the hotel clerk gavu that- phnr up. told its that there was only one way to get an appointment in Washington, and- that was through a lady lobbyist, lie gave us th;, address of one he recommended 1 , a Mrs Avery, who he said was high up in sociable and diplomatic rings and circles. “The next morning, at ten o’clock, me and Andy called at her hotel, ami was shown up to her reception room. “This Mrs Avery was a solace and a balm to the eyesight. She had hair the colour of the l>aek of a tw onty-dollar gold certificate, blue eyes, and a system of beauty that would make the girl on the cover of a July magazine look like a cook on a Monongahela coal barge. “ She had on a low-necked; dress covered with silver spangles, and diamond rings and ear-bobs. Iler arms was bare; and she was using a desk telephone with, one hand 1 , and drinking tea with the other. “‘Well, boys,’ says she after a. bit, f what is it?” “ I told her in a fevv words as possible what -w e 'Wianted for Bill, and the price we could pay. “ ‘Those western appointments,’ says she, ‘are easy. Txfme see. no ; w,’ says she. ‘ who could put that through for us. No use fooling with Territorial delegates. I guess,’ says she, ‘that Senator Sniper would be about the, man. He’s from somewhere in the \\ est. Let’s see how he stands on my private menu card.’ -She takes some papers out of a pigeon-hole with the letter ‘S over it. “‘Yes,’ says she. ‘he’s marked with a star; that means “ready to serve.” Now. let’s see. “Age 55, married twice, Presbyterian, likes blondes, Tolstoi, poker, and stewed terrapin: sentimental at third bottle of wine.” .‘Yes,’ she goes on, ‘1 am sure I can have your friend, Mr Bummer, appointed Minister to Brazil.’ ' ‘•‘Humble.’ says T. ‘Ami United States Marshal was the berth.’ “‘Oh, yes.’ says Mrs Avery, ‘I have! so maify deals of this sort I sometimes get them confused. Give me all the memoranda you have of the case. Mr •Petgrs, and come back in four days. 1 think it can be arranged by then.’ “So me ami Andy goes bavk to our hotel and waits. Andy walks up and down and chews the left end of his moustache. “‘A woman of high intellect and perfect beauty is a rare thing, Jefi,’ says he. “‘As rare,’ says T. ‘as an omelet made, from the eggs of the fabulous bird known as the epidermis,’ says I. “‘A woman like t'hat,’ says Andy, ‘ought to lead a man to the highest? positions of opulence and fame. •“T misdoubt,’ sayfi f, ‘if any woman ever helped a man to secure a job any more than to, have his meals ready promptly ami spread a report that thrt other wife had once beqn <

shoplifter. They are no more adapted for business and polities,’ says I, ‘than Algernon Charles <ninbur>ie is to be floor manager at one of Chuck. Connor’s annual balks. ‘1 know,’ says 1 to Andy, ‘that souielime.s a woman seems to step but into the kalsomine light as (he •diarge d’affaires of her man’s political job. But how does it come out? they 'have a neat little berth somewhere as foreign consul of record to Afghanistan or lock-k(*eper on the Delaware and Baritan Canal. One day this man findsbis wife putting on her overshoes ami three months’ supply of bird-seed into the Canary’s cage. ‘Sioux Falls?’ he asks with a kind of hopeful light in his eye. ‘No. Arthur,’ says she, ‘Washington. We’re wasted here,’ says she. ‘You ought to be 'Toady Extraordinary to the Court of st. Bridget or Head Porter <M the Island of Porto Kico. I'm going to see about it.’ “‘Then this lady,* I says to Andy, ‘moves against tflie authorities at Washington with her baggage and munitions, consisting of five dozen indiscriminating letters written to her by a member of the Cabinet when she was 15; a letter of introduction from King Leopold to the Smithsonian Institution, and a pink silk costume with canary-coloured spats. "‘Well, and then what?’ 1 goes on. ‘She has the letters printed in the (‘veiling papers that match her costume, she lectures at an informal tea. given ju the palm room nf the B. & <). depot and then calls on the President. The ninth Assistant .Secretary of Commerce and Labour, the first aide-de-camp of the Blue Room, and an unidentified coloured man are waiting there to grasp Jier .Ivy the hands—and feet. 'They carry her out to S. \\ . B. Street and leave her on a cellar dour. That ends it. The next time wo hear of her she is .writing postal cards to tin* Chinese Minister ask’ mg him to get Arthur a jol> in a tea store.’ "‘Then.' says Andy, ‘yon don’t think Mrs Averv will land the Marshalship for Bill?’ “‘I do not,’ says I. ‘I do not wish tn be a septic 1 , but I doubt if she can do as well as you and im* could have done.’ "‘J don't agree with you,’ says Andy. .‘l'll bet you she does. I’m proud of having a higher opinion of the talent and the powers of negotiation of ladies.’ “We was back at Mrs Avery’s hotel at the time she appointed. She was looking pretty and fine enough, as far as that went, to make any man let

her name ew-ry ollicer in the country. But I fliad.u't much faith in looks, so 1 was certainly surprised when she pulls out a. document with the.great of the United States on it. and 'William Henry Humble’ in a Jim* big hand on •the back. “‘You might k-ave had it the next, day, boy«,’ saui Mrs Avery smiling. I hadn’t the slightest trouble in getting •it,’ says tflie. ‘I just asked for it, that's all. Now', I'd like to talk to you a. while, she goes on. ‘but I'm awfully busy’, and I know you'll excuse me. I've got an Ambassadorship, two Consulates, and a dozen other minor applications to look after. I can hardly find time to sleep at all. You'll give my compliments to Mr Humble when you get home, of course.’ “‘Well. 1 handed her the X tOOi whirli slie pitohrd into her desk drawer with out counting. I pul Bill’s appointment in my p<>cket and me and Andy made our adieus. “We started bark for the Territory the same day. We wired Bill: ‘Job landed; get the tall glasses ready,’ and we felt pretty good. “Andy jo-shed me all the way about how little I knew about, women. “‘All right,’ says I. ‘l'll admit that she surprised me. But it’s the first time 1 ever knew one of ’em to manipulate a piece of business on time without getting it bungled up in some way,’ says I. “Down about the edge of Arkansas I got out Bill's appointment and looked it over, and then I handed it to Andy to read. Andy read it, but didn't add any 'remarks to my silence. “The parper was for Bill, all right, and a genuine doriiment. • but it appointed him postmaster of Dade City, •Fla. “Me and Andy got. oil the train at Xtfitle Rout *u.dßill’s appointment' to him by mail. 'Then we struck northeast towards Lake* Superior. “I ntfver saw Bill Humble after that,'’