Anecdotes and Sketches.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLVIII, Issue 11, 11 September 1912, Page 71

Anecdotes and Sketches.

GRAVE, GAY, EPIGRAMMATIC AND OTHERWISE.

Unanswered. C7TT T a country school the BendinasJ | ter-said: “Now, boys. I will give a penny to the first lad who can ask me a question which I cannot answer.” Several tried unsuccessfully, until one boy asked him: “Please, sir. if you stood up to your neck in soft mud and I threw a si one at your head, would you duck?” The question remained unairswered. <s><s>& Christian Burial. A good woman's husband was dismembund ami eaten by an African tribe. £he. desirous of giving him Christian burial, was left no other alternative but that of exterminating, with the assistance of certain accommodating friends, armed with the destructive weapons of <mr advanced vivLlisation, the tribe in ‘piestion, which hail shown such a receptive adtitude toward her husband. The bodies of the savages were brought back to civilisation by the avenging expedition and were placed in one grave, surmounted by the modest slab, placed there by th-* widow and bearing the following inscription: “ I'he remains of the Rev. belove.l husband of <S> *s> <» A Deadly Weapon. Professor Brander Matthews at a library dinner in New York said of a certain “best seller”: “’l'he grammar is rather oil*. Its author lies open to the rebuke muted out to a Philadelphia author in the last century. ’This author had been slashed in a review and ho wrot<* to the reviewer and challenged him to a duel. But »the critic wrote back: ‘I have read your letter. It is as Wfetelied a.s your boo,k. You have called mo out. Very well, I choose grammar. You are a dead man.’”

Not What She Thought It Was. The woman came cautiously up to the librarian in the big library and aeked in low tones if she could get a book about David's Harem. “Oh, yes,” said the librarian, “we have a number of copies of ‘David Ila rum.’ ” “Hush,” whispered the inauirer, “nut so lcn*4>’’

A Big Risk. Two motorists were crawling up a highway where lately a friend (then riding with one of them) knew they hud formerly gone al top speed. Ihe iriend a»ked why the car war run so slowly. “Why.’’ explained the driver of I he car, with perfect naivete, “everybody's canning home garden tools now. ami you can't run over a man without risking a puncture.”

His Dream. It was three o'clock in the morning, ami the whole world was hushed in sleep. Suddenly there was a long piercing yell. It was the house of the milkman. \\ hat could it mean? 'l'he milkman’s wife was roused froXl her sleep by another gurgling shriek. Shaking her husband by the shoulders she awakened him. ‘What on earth is the matter with you?’’ she demanded. “Oh,” he could only gasp as he wiped the beads of perspiration from his brow. “I’ve had a most terrible dream’’’ "What was it.” demanded his wife a nx iously. “J dreamt the pump had been stolen!’’ answered the milkman.

Declined With Thanks. Reports had mine to the president of a famous college that one of tfk* students was drinking more than vv*«ts good lor him. Meeting the offender Ane morning the head of the university -stopped him ami «aid severely: “Young man. do you drink?” “Well why * I’m* student hesitated — “not so early in the morning, thank you, Doctor.”

The Idea that FailedBlanc's• wife, wlu*m*ver a shutter rattled or a; board croaked-, would wake up her husband and say: “Oh. John, there are burglars downstairs! Don't you hear them? Oh, what shall we do?’’ But Blanc hit at last on an idea that, he thought, would uoinpox* his wife perma nont ly. “I here,'’* ho said, "you can rest assured these noisus aren't burglars. Burglars work in absolute silenue. You never hear a sound from them."' .And now Mrs. Blanc wakes her husband up ill a blue panic whenever 1 here's no noise. K.C.M.G. A pompous politician, while on his way out to take over the governorship of one of the colonies, was approached on the promenade deuk by an innocent-looking fellow passenger, who. raising his hat, humbly inquired: “Would you mind tolling me what •K.t'.M.G.' means at the end of your name, sii ? It has puzzled one or two of US.*’ “Knight ('omnia mler of Si. Michael ami St. George, of course” said Ihe pompous one. as In* inllaled his chest. “(Hi!’’ said Ihe innocent. "I thought it meant ‘Kindly (‘all Me Governor ! 0 <5 Simple Remedies. Tin* native pharmacopoeia in vised Io be of 1 lie simplest character. A mau from the island, during his first week of night duty as a Glasgow con stable, went into a chemist's shop and expressed frank astonisliim*nl at the bewildering array of bottles. These ni«*di cities are ferry iiiinierous -yes. f<-i i y iiumerons indeed!” “Aus, we have 1<» keep a great manv.” the chemist said blnndlv. “Now in Skve. where I coim* from." the constalde went on. “the medicines an* mJ what von might call lillllieroiiM at all.* “No. said the chum ist. "How many do you have?” “Juist Iwo. There is tar G»r the *dieep and whisky for the people.”