Anecdotes and Sketches.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLVIII, Issue 9, 28 August 1912, Page 71

Anecdotes and Sketches.

GRAVE, GAY, EPIGRAMMATIC AND OTHERWISE.

His Proper Title. TIE old caretaker of an Episcopal church, as he sat on a tombstone in the churchyard, dismissed as trivial the question of his proper “The good old ereed keeps the same for' all," he said, “though they may change the words they' use. Look at me: here 1 used to be the janitor. Then wo had a pa rson who called me the sextant. Dr. Thirdly gave me the name of virgin. And the young man we’ve got now says Tin the sacrilege.” His Speaking Eyes. Aunt Caroline and the partner of her noes evidently found connubial bliss a misnomer, for the sounds of war were often heard down in the little cabin in the hollow. Finally, the pair were hailed nto court, and the dusky lady entered a 'barge of abusive language against ter spouse. The judge, who had known ■ hem troth all his life, endeavoured to ) ">iir oil on the troubled waters. "What did he say to you, t'aroline?” he asked. "Why, jedge, I jes’ eaint tell yo’ all dat man do say to me.” “Does ho ever use hard language?” "Does yo’ mean oustin'? Yassah, not w :f his moiif, but he's always givin’ mo i)< m eussory glances.” <?> <?> A Match for Whistler. WhiOr rarely met his inateh, a) l hough he did so onee in Sir Morrell Mackenzie, the famous thront specialist. ID* called on Sir Morrell to treat a I'rcm-h. poodle of which ho was very fond. I’ho irFn-owoed physician was not too pleased at being invited to diagnose the illness of a dog. Bi»t he kept his peaee.

prescribed, pocketed his fee and drove awav. Next day he sent an urgent message'to Whistler asking him to call quickly. On his arrival Sir Morrell said,without a smile, “How do you do, Mr Whistler. I wanted to see you about having my front door painted.” <s<?><s■ No Fool ! A Scotch lad had his leg injured at a factory, and was treated for some time by the doctor without much favourable result. His mother had great faith in a local bone-setter, ami wanted her son to go to him; but the boy objected, preferring, as he said, the “reg'lar faculty.” Finally, however, he yielded to his mother's persuasions and was taken to the town where the famous bone-setter

resided. The leg was duly examined, and it was found necessary to pull it very severely, in order "to get the bone ill,” as the quack expressed it. Tlic patient howled in agony, but at last the bone was "got in,” ami lie was bidden to go home. In a few days he would be all right, and could resume work. “Didn’t he do it well?” said the joyous old lady, ar. they started homeward. "Yes, he did, mother,” said the lad; "he pulled it well; but I was na sic a fool as to gic him the sail’ leg!” ■s><?>-?> A Dovetailei* of Sermons. The Rev. Dr. II was what Is commonly termed “a popular preacher”; not, however, by drawing on his own stores, but by the knack .which he possessed of appropriating the thoughts and language of other great divines, who had gone liefore-Tdiii, to his own use, and, by a skilful splicing and dovetailing of passages so as to make a whole. Fortunately for him, those who composed his audience were not deeply skilled in pulpit lore, ami with such he passed for a won-

dor of erudition- It happened, however, that the doctor was detected in his literary- larcenies, tine Sunday a ..rave old gentleman seated himself close to the pulpit and listened with profound attention. The doctor had scarcely finished his third sentence before the old gentleman sard, loud enough to be heard by those near him. "That’s Sherloek.” The doctor frowned, but went on. He had not proceeded nuic-h further when hi« auditor broke out- with, “That's Tillotson. ’ The doctor bit his lips, and paused, but again went on. At a third exclamation of "That’s Blair,” the doctor lost all patience and, leaning over the pulpit, “Fellow,” he cried, "if yon do not hold your tongue you shall be turned out.” Without altering a muscle the old cynic, looking the doctor lull in I he face. said, “That’s hie own.” <s=<s> <S> A Different Thing. Arnold Bennett, the English novelist, condemned at a dinner in New York the average public speech. "But unconsciously,” said Mr Bennett, “the former chairman of a village caucus condemned the public speech much nioro effectively than I could ever do when he rose in a somewhat disorderly meeting and remarked: “ ‘Listen, gentlemen, listen. I am not. going to make a speech. I've got something to say.’ ” •«. 4 How They Ran. A lawyer was cross examining an old German about the position of the doors, windows, and so forth, in a house in which a certain transaction occurred. “And now, my good man,” said the lawyer, "will yon lie good enough to tell the court how the stairs run in the lionse?” The German looked dazed and unsettled for a moment. “How do tha stairs run?” he queried. "Yes, how do the «taira run?” “Veil,” continued the witness, after a moment's thought, “ven I am oop stairs dey run down, and ven I am downstair* dey run onp.”