Anecdotes and Sketches.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLVIII, Issue 7, 14 August 1912, Page 71

Anecdotes and Sketches.

GRAVE, GAY, EPIGRAMMATIC AND OTHERWISE.

Mark Twain and the Office Boy. /TA ARK TWAIiN did not cherish. II | a f° n J nes3 )or t' le average J j / office boy. He had an idea ; / that the genus was insufferable, and invariably when the humorist y £ sallied forth into some business office there was immediate armed hostility between him and the boy. One day Mark went to see a friend at his oftiee, and the office boy on guard, in icy tones, said: “WhoiHt do you wish to see?” Mark mentioned his friend’s name. f'W'hat do you want to see him about?” came next from the boy. Mark Twain immediately froze up, and then with a genial smile he .said: “Tell him, please, I want to ask his hand in holy matrimony.” <?><?><s■ The Authority. It was of Dr Whewell, the hmnrrt Blaster of Trinity, that Sydney Smith said: “If science was his forte, omniscience was his foible.” Concerning this foible an amusing story is told. A rival talker resolved for once to get the better of Whewell and crammed the subject of Chinese metaphysics. He lost no time in dexterously leading the conversation toward the topic, and at once fluently and confidently expressed his opinions, when, to his Whewell rushed into the subject qnite at.home and in direct contradiction to his views. “Sir,” said tlie master, “will you have the goodness to give me the authority upon which the opinions you have expressed are based?” .“Certainly,” said his opponent, “an article in the ‘Encyclopaedia ‘ Britannica.’ ”. “Oh!’*said Whewell, “I wrote' th’e’ article myself ten years ago, and have since seen good reason to change my views.”

A False Alarm. “You ought to have seen Mr Marshall when he called upon Dolly the other night,” remarked Johnny to his sister’s young man, who was taking tea with the family. “I tell you be looked tine a-sitting there alongside of her with his arm— ” “Johnny!” gasped his sister, her face the Colour of a boiled lobster. “Well, so he did,” persisted Johnny, “l/e had his arm ” “John!” screamed his mother frantically. “Why,” whined the boy, “I was ” “John,” said his father sternly, “leave the room!” And Johnny left, crying as he went: “I was only going to say that he had his army clothes on.” <s> <t> Restraint.* A hen, having laid an egg, measured it carefully before taking any steps further. It was less than eight inches in circumference one way, and less than six inches the other. “I sha’n’t cackle!” declared the hen. “It is high time that feminism were shown to be something more than mere emotionalism.”

Choice of Two Evils. “I was counsel fo.r the girl in a case once,” said the barrister, “and I thought we had a good ease. One of the strongest points was the ardent wooing of the defendant. We stipulated at least 1,244 kisses he had planted upon tliejliir one’s ruby lips. Imagine our surprise when the defendant admitted it. “ 'That’s true,’ said ho, testifying. ‘I had to do it,’ he explained. “‘Had to do it?’ I roared, hoping to embarrass him. “‘Yes,’ he answered, ‘I either had to keep kissing her constantly or permit her to sing, and —well, I preferred the kissing.’ ” «><?><s> Marks of Marriage. The Rev. Leon Linden was joking about his proposal that all married men have a hole punched in their left ear as a mark of identification. “After all, you know,” said Dr Linden, smiling, “this identification mark would be far less humiliating than the abraded nose or discoloured eye that in some circles now prevails.” <£«><?> Accepting Responsibility. Molly, the new cook, had a habit of keeping her mouth ajar the greater part of the time. The habit annoyed her mistress exceedingly, and one morning she lost all patience. “.Molly, your mouth is open,” said the mistress. "Indeed, ma’am, so it is,” said Molly grinning. "1 opened it.”

One Who Did Something. King Humbert once visited Florened and at a reception of the aristocracy inquired of each noble present what his occupation was. “Nothing, majesty,” was the uniform reply until it came the turn of the Marquis Ginori, who had lost caste somewhat because of his manufacture of pottery. “I am a potter, maesta—a maker of majolica,” said the marquis in response to the king's question. “Thank God!” cried the king, “there is one noble in Florence who does something.” -s■<«> <B> True Enjoyment. What constitutes recreation depends, of course, o;t the point of view of the one who is recreated. This anecdote shows what one small citizen thought enjoyable. A boy in a certain State school for dependent children wrote hie father thus; "Dear Papa,—We children are having a good time here now. Mr Sager broke his leg and can’t work. We wept on. a picnic and it rained and we all got ■wet. Many children here are sick with mumps- Mr Higgins fell off the waggon - and broke his rib, but ho can work a little. The man that is digging the deep well whipped us boys with a buggy whip because we threw sand in his machine, and made black and blue marks on us. Ernest cut his finger badly. W« are all very happy.” S' '•> Getting Back at Him. This w tolJ about a dancing clas«. 'There was a young woman who thought a good deal about ancestry and descent, and there was a yonng man who thought that all such stuff was snobbish. The two sat out a dance together, and the girl mounted her hobby almost, at once. “What was yom father?” interrupted the young man. “Father was a gentleman.” "But what did he do for a living?” The young man thought that small, but the girl came right back. “What was your lather?" she asked. “My father r.i’sed hogs.” “I see he did But wliat did he do for a living?”