Anecdotes and Sketches.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLVII, Issue 5, 31 January 1912, Page 71

Anecdotes and Sketches.

GRAVE, GAY, EPIGRAMMATIC AND OTHERWISE.

A Good Rule. THE story is told of a man who had great difficulty in spelling words with “ei” and “ie” in them. One day a friend offered to give him an infallible rule for such eases. “It is a rule,’’ he said, “that in 47 years has never failed me.” His friend expressed his delight and waited. The man resinned: ‘The rule is simply this: write your ‘i’ and - e’ exactly alike, and put the dot just between them.'’ Trickery. "The new idea in business is honesty, openness, frankness,” said Alton B. Parker at a dinner at Esopus. “We used to conceal our plumbing, and very poor, unsanitary work it was. We expose it now, and it is altogether sound, wholesome and satisfactory. Well,’ business is like that. "When T think of some of the tricks that used to obtain in reputable business firms, I am reminded of the seaside auctioneer. "Ihis scoundrel once held up a $lO gold piece and said: "‘Guess the date on this piece of money, friends. Make a guess and a small purchase, and the correct guesser takes the coin.’ - ” "So everybody in 'the crowd guessed; everybody bought some worthless rubbish, and the dealer netted a huge prolit. I hen. at the end. he looked at the $lO gold piece, held it up and said: ;‘‘*<>w for it! Who guessed .1894?’ “'•Me! Me! Me!’, cried every man jack in the shop " Ihe dealersmiled. 'Then you guessed wrong,’ he said, slipping the his pocket. The iate is 1812.”’

Clever Lad. A School teacher had among his scholars one very clever lad, whose peculiarity was that he could not pronounce the letter “r”, and at last the teacher eoncoeted a couplet which she enjoined he should read out before the whole class:— Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs, For roasting the rabbit so rare. But the pupil was determined not to make an exhibition of himself, and when the time came he boldly stood up and delivered himself of the following:— Bobby gave Dicky a thump in'the side For cooking the bunny so little.

No Raconteur. There is in existence a very modest man who, though now peaceably employed, lias in his day seen fighting- in many parts of the globe. His friends know this, and lose no opportunity to draw him out anent his thrilling war adventures. But the veteran’s modesty is sueh that his tales are more than likely to be colourless and disappointing. Once some of his friends cornered him and by artful subterfuges led the conversation right up to a certain battle, in which, as they knew, the veteran had participated. In a moment of carelessness he allowed himself to be trapped into statements regarding that battle. Whereupon, noting that he had wanned to the subject, one of his friends suddenly said: "Aon were in that battle, weren’t you?” “ Y-yes,” confessed the veteran, much embarrassed. “ Tell us about your experiences on that day,” commanded one of the gathering. There was a breathless silence. The fighter saw there was no way out of it. “On that day,” he began slowly, “at a- conservative estimate” — all leaned forward eagerly — “ 1 ran twelve miles.”

Confidence. The late Meredith Townsend had an affection for Scotsmen as contributors to the “Spectator,” of which he was for so many years proprietor and eo-editor. Mr. Townsend’s liking for the Scots was based on an experience he had in Leith when a boy. He was on holiday, and had run short of money for his return to London. He boldly boarded a London passenger boat, intimated his desire to the captain to go south, explained who he was, and stated that he was without funds. Seemingly favourably impressed by the lad’s tale, ami appearance, the captain, a Scot, said that would be all right, and showed him to a cabin. " But,” said young Townsend, “ this is a saloon. As things are, steerage would do all right.’ "Na, na, my maunie.” said the captain; "if I trust ye at all. I'll trust ye first class!” A Fiery Drink. Assemblyman Brennan, author of the “Brennan Cold Storage Law,” said the other day in Albany: — “Cold storage food should be labelled as what it is. It shouldn't be sold to the public as fresh food at the price of fresh food. For it isn't fresh food, and. though it looks all right, its taste is all wrong—except to such people as are blessed with the palate of Jim Jimison. “Jim Jimison,” Mr. Brennan explained. “was a hard drinker up Ithaca way. One evening Jim stopped at the tavern for a dram, tossed jt off, and departed calmly, ibnt after lie was gone' the tavern-keeper discovered that, in place of apple-jack, he had given Jim a drink out of the sulphuric acid bottle that was kept to clean the verdigris off the brass taps, “The tavern keeper couldn’t sleep that night, but the next morning, to his unspeakable relief. Jim dropped in for another dram before breakfast, apparently none ..the worse for .bis dose of poison. “‘.Tim,’ »gid the taverp-koepcr. ‘what <Tid you think of that apple-jack I sola you hist night?' “'OJi- H " as ißte stuff.' said Jim; ‘good warmin' stuff. It only had one fault- Every time I coughed it set «njt whiskers afire.’”