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New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLVI, Issue 1, 5 July 1911, Page 72

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THE BRAGGARTS. “You never had measles at your school ? ’ “And you never had a fit in the street—l did!’ 1

GOOD BUSINESS

“Yes,” boasted an overdressed individual, “ I make my clothes last. This hat is an example of niy thrift. Bought it three years ago, had'it blocked twice, and exchanged it once for a new one at a cafe.”

He (tired of dodging): ‘‘Would you marry a one-eyed man’” She: “Good gracious, no!” lie: “Then let me carry your umbrella.”

Poet: ‘My epic on the Coronation has been taken.” Wife: "Oh, darling, I'm so glad! Who’s taken it?” Poet: ‘Mary took it this morning to light the study fire with!”

THE OLD TIME RELIGION. Presbyterian Elder. —Nae, my mon, there’ll be mine o’ they new-fangled methods in heaven. Listener. —1 don’t know how you can be sure. Elder.—Sure? Why, mon, g ! n they tried it, the whole Presbyterian kirk wad rise up an* gang oot in a body. DANGEROUS. “Won't you try a piece of my wife's ang'd cake?” “Will it make an angel of me?” “That will depend on the kind of a life you have led!”

A COMPLEX ACCOMPLISHMENT.

“ I understand you speak French like a native.” “No,” replied the student; “I’ve got the grammar and the accent down pretty fine. But it’s hard to learn the gestures.”

Young Bachelor: I often wonder it I am making enough to get married on. Old Benedict : Well, I don't know how much you’re making; but you aint!

FIRST CHOICE. Mr. Jawhack: “My dear, I was one of the first to leave.” Mrs. Jawback: “Oh, you always say that.” Mr. -lawhack: “1 can prove it this time. Look out in the hall, and see tile beautiful umbrella 1 brought home.” AN OLD DELUSION. Father of the Fair One: How can you possibly think of marrying iny daughter? You say that by the strictest economy you can save only €2 a moijth! Poor but worthy Poet: Oh, yes, but if we both save it will be £4.

FAMILIAR. But when, in token of his great love, he would have smothered her with kisses, she drew back. “ Sir,” quoth she, coldly, “ no familiarities!” Yet, even in that trying moment his presence of mind did not desert him. “If they are, indeed, familiarities to you, certainly not!” he retorted, and bowed ironically, after which, assuming an easy air, he betook himself off. WHEN HE DISCOVERS THE CAUSE. A man never begins to blame a woman for his downfall until somebody has found him out.

“What, not at school to-day, Johnnie?” “No, got a job now on Mondays.” “Oh, a good one?” “Yus, I goes to the pawnshop for a lidy!”

MODERN BUILDING. Investor: Do you think that new house will hold together in a hard wind ? Contractor; Yes, I think it will after it’s painted.

“I’ll be glad when they make aeroplanes for cats.”

READY AT LAST. “ John,” said Mrs. Spenders, “ I’ve got lots of things I want to talk to you , about.” J “Glad to hear it,” snapped her hus- » band; “usually you want to talk to me- - lots of things that you haven’t F g’t.” _ ,

TOO EFFEMINATE. Host: Have a cigarette, old man? Guest: No, thanks—l’ve chucked smoking—too effeminate, do’n't you know.

Departing Guest: “You've got a pretty place here. Frank, but it looks a bit bare yet?’ Host: “Oh, it’s because the trees are a bit young. 1 hope they’ll be grown tc a good size before you come again!”