A PARADISE OF PATENTS.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLV, Issue 25, 21 June 1911, Page 42

A PARADISE OF PATENTS.

Illustrated by>

W. E. Wigfull and H. A. Hogg.

Each of the cnrlom invention* mentioned in the following article la to be found among the inventors’ specifications at the Patent Office.

THERE are some people, by no means a majority in this world, who are never satisfied with » things are they really are. They are always wanting to improve things; and the improvements they suggest cover every department of life, and are not restrained by. any consideration for the feelings ot our ancestors. One cannot honestly say that these suggested improvements in the arts of life are in every case based upon the highest wisdom. But every year, every month, every day there flows into the patent offices of the kingdoms, principalities, and governments of the earth, a host of applications for patents of articles which are going to revolutionise the household, the wardrobe, and the inner man. They may be said to begin at birth. Only last year a gentleman—and, lie it noted, a bachelor—applied for a patent for a device for administering milk to new-born babies. And from this point onward through the vale of tears the procession goes, until we read of a patent “soother” for moribund persons, to make the act of dying as convenient and as pleasant as possible.

Mr. Edison Blinks, who inherited a tidy sum of money from his great-aunt a couple of years ago, has resolved at all odds to be up-to-date.. He has built himself a charming little house at Peckham Rye. Even in its external structure it presents every improvement; it has even a sliding roof for sultry evenings; and as Mr. Blinks heats his dwelling and cooks his dinner by electric light, that which ought to be ehiinney-pots is represented by tall urns of flowers and evergreens. There is a movable staircase from the ground to the front door, and, in fact, every device calculated to expedite and astonish has long been installed. But it is in the interior and in their own personal equipment that Mr. and Mrs. Blinks may- be said to

shine. “I have invented nothing myself, dear boy,”, he said to me on the occasion of my first visit to his domicile; “you w 11 find each thing properly entered at the Patent Office. The fact is. we are all too much slaves of convention, we are suffering from antiquated methods, we are all caught in the trap of habit. I am emancipating myself. Mrs. Blinks is emancipating herself. We are happy. No, no! Don't hang up your hat; just back up against the wall here; there, that is a patent, hat and coat remover; there, you see, it is done in a jiffy.” We forthwith as-eended on the moving staircase to the drawing-room, where Mrs. Blinks awaited my arrival. 1 had never made the acquaintance of the lady, and my first impression was that she was extremely good-looking. To my horror, however, when she arose tif greet me the beautiful features at which

1 had cast a glance of adimratioif wen* removed, and my hostess began to fan herself coquettishly with a fan in the shape of a mask. “Capital idei, that', don’t yoq think?” exclaimed IJlinks, noticing my confusion. “No more plain wallflowers. H a woman cannot be beautiful she can at least appear beautiful at intervals.” I looked about for a chair, but with-, out seeing any. “I am so sorry,” cried Blfhks, and, reaching up to the wall, he took down a couple of picture-frames. “Not a bad notion, this, you see. You touch a spring and, presto! here you hive a niee little ottoman for a small room. All my chairs contrive a double debt to pay. The cushions are< at the baek. One of the greatest mistakes made in the

buildings, or rather the appointment, of modern rooms is the amount of space wasted by windows at such a time as a window is of no earthly use except for ventilation. As Ido all my ventilating by a patent revolving ventilator, for twelve hours out of the twentyfour the window is of no use whatever. And what is more unsightly than a win-dow-blind? Even the best sorts get out of gear, and they will rumple Why not occupy the space by oil paintings on canvas which fit snugly into a surrounding gilt frame, ami at night have a splendid effect? Look at this, for instance.”

My host pressed a spring and the whole of the window-space was covered by a rapidly descending portrait of a gentleman, which had previously been kept concealed on a roller. "My ancestor, Sir Jocelyn Blinks —- earn* back in the Mayflower. You hear of such lot* of Americans who went over on the Mayflower, the Colonial aristocracy. Mine came back in that ship, the only one who did,- and was knighted by Charles I, Portrait —after Van Dyck. You have no idea how it brightens up a room to have full-length family portraits occupying the windowspace.” - : - - i Mr. Blinks turned on the electric light, and one after another the family portraits descended. “Now, isn’t this . cosy? Isn’t this snug? Isn’t it artistic?” Just then we heard a piercing scream at the end of the passage. “I wonder what’s up?” cried- Blinks. “I am afraid my wife is in trouble.” He darted from me, and returned in a few minutes to say that Mrs. Blinks, who had been lying dfcwmfor a moment on the bed, had.omue owing feua dislocation ;<Tf r -the machinery... -> “Machinery .machindty . is there about" a bed?” '. jR“Ah! you doh.’,t understand,” replied Blinks. “All they • in this house are combined beds tahd'.bjith-tubs.c If-

seems such a shameful waste of space to have beds and bath-tubs separate. It works beautifully. I will see that the reservoir of your„bed is full, and you shall try it in the morning.” “But Mrs. Blinks’” I interposed.

“It is all that silly plumber,” he said. “I cannot get them to understand the mechanism. If I send for a carpenter or an upholsterer, he tells me to send fo-" the plumber; if I send for the plumber, ho says it is a joiner’s job. But it is all right—she only had a little splashing. You cannot live in an up-to-date household without having an accident now and then.’ 1

We slid downstairs on a patent stairslider, and entered the salle a manger. “May I offer you some refreshment ?” asked Blinks. “You notice we have no sideboard here. Our drinks are served through tubes. You see this row of buttons? Well, these immediately connect with wine and spirit bins.” In perambulating the house one found all kinds of invented novelties; for instance, more picture-frames which were not pic-ture-frames but patent cupboards. “You have no idea,” explained Blinks, what a lot of space there is to bo saved in this way. I don’t say that it would be prudent to hide a loaf of bread j .behind a Meissonier, or use a Velazquez ’as a-screen for ' concealing the oil and vinegar cruet; but the wall, especially ‘in London houses, is ridiculously wasted. •\ At this point I was startled by hearing a voice call out with great distinct- - ness, “Seven o’clock,” from the mantelpiece.- •:*- !■ ?T-h'at- is my gramophone clock,” said -Blinks’.. “In another fifteen minutes you will hear it call out ‘A quarter past seven’; a much better idea than a foolish set of chimes. “Try this chair,” remarked my host. “It’s very useful in hot weather.” 1 observed that it was a rocker, and that as it rocked a fan was actuated over the head of the sitter. As I sat there, being fanned, Blinks pointed out that both the tables in the room revolved upon an axis. “Saves no end of trouble,’’ he explained. “Very handy when you want to find things.” “I see you are looking at that cap. Rather a pretty one, isn’t it? I always wear that on railway journeys. Come —blow me up, and I will show you what an advantage it is; or perhaps I can manage it myself.” Blinks A-ized a

bicycle inflator and commenced inflating his singular headgear. "A splendid tra-velling-cap. You can’t beat it for comfort,” he said; "and it is awfully, useful in case some scoundrel should try to sandbag you. Here, give me a blow yourself; no—not that stick—this other thick one; now, with all your might.” I clenched my fist firmly round the weapon and did as Blinks directed. The blow promptly felled him to the floor. He got up a little disconcerted, but not in the least indignant, and began rubbing his pate. “You have got more strength in that arm of. yours,” he said, “ than I fancied, or else I did not blow myself up enough. I feel sure it cannot be the fault of the cap. We will try it again later on.” My friend replaced the pneumatic cap with a tall silk hat of* the fashionable shape. “There is an awful lot of non-

sense about headgear. Any kind of hat.is healthySf it is only properly ventilated. ! It is no use punching a hole in file -Top of 'ft hat and then thinking yoajTfave Ventilated ‘it. The ■whole top ought to coine off, like this.” Having firmly adjusted it on his head, he gave an effective illustration of its ventilating properties bySiftuig the top disc of tly awn from the*top of the hat. On releasing it, "it sprang instantly into place.’” ‘throw’,“4,bat is what I call sensible. I never wear- anything else.” “Except on railway journeys?” I suggested. . ...

Blinks shot a furtive glance at me. “Of course,’’ he assented, replacing the hat on its bracket, and reminding me that a patent has been taken out for a sun and dust hat.

Another peculiarity of my friend Blinks was that bis umbrellas all had windows of. transparent oil-silk, so that there was no danger of collision in mak-

ing headway against a storm. Each umIbrella was" also provided with a rain absorber to prevent the rain from running down the article. These absorbers (were really small sponges sewn into the fabric at the end of the ribs. A pair of mud guards for boots was another ingenious idea, although they looked to me more likely to catch all the mud there was going. Mr. Blinks showed me his collection of walking-sticks. They were all fitted ■with attachments — swords, pistols, pipes, perfumes, inkpots; one held liquor, another contained a razor, shaving apparatus and toothbrush. It is impossible to describe the marvels of dinner at the Blinkses’,. Dishes were always coming but of othet dishes. And there was a combination of spoon and knife which gave a great deal of trouble. The supply of hot soup proceeded from a tap in ’the middle of the table. Pepper and salt were supplied from tiny swinging receptacles -suspended at the side of each place. ; After dinner we repaired to Blink s den and smoked. Blinks called it a den, but it reminded me more of a gallery of machinery at the White City. Dieie was one chair that he offered me in ■which you never did anything at all yourself. Having adjusted the various parts of the chair to the exact angle of comfort to your body, you then followed a similar course for your arms and feet; and by a .trifling pressure of the fingers upon certain artfully-placed but-

■tons nt the end of the arm-rests a cigar was fixed in your mouth, and in response to another movement a wonderful cigarlighter darted out from the side of the chair and drew out an elbow, and hey, presto! your cigar was lit. Only you

had to. go to the trouble of snioking ;t. It seemed rather, a pity that the in-, genuity ’of the scheme should break down at the most interesting and perhaps the most important point.

I confess when the hour came foreretiring, after an evening |wv»sed in,the company of Mr. Bliuk-cs pianola, gramophone, and electrophone, I rather tuuked the bath-bed; and it was - not until ■Blinks had positively assured me that he had moved every-drop of water from the cistern that I consented to yield my person to its amenities. But if I imagined that I had exhausted the Paradise of Patents I was undeceived, for ho sooner had I closed my eyes than my gaze was transfixed by a huge, luminous moon, which sent its beams upon me through the ceiling of a dark-bine ground. At ■first I thought that the roof was off.-and that I was in truth gazing upon the blue Hky'f but a slight investigation con-

vinced me that it was only ah -illusion. To sleep beneath the moon may be calming to some spirits, but it was too mjvel . an experience for me. I began to-toss restlessly from side to side, and-this’ must have released some mechanism con-, eealed in the bed, for the soothing metqdy. began to waft up from somewhere be-y neath the bolster, “Rock Me to Sleep, v Mother; Rock Me to Sleep!” This wasj followed by another lullaby. Its only* purpose was defeated by the fact that, it did not lull. The more restless-1. became the more the melody went on-,-I got up and began pacing the floor, but I got back into bed again when my foot went down about fifteen inches into what Blinks told me afterwards was a “floor-, cupboard,” which one of the maidservants had left with the lid off. “We always use our floor for cupboard room,” he said. “By the use of patent carpets each square of pattern can be lifted, and is very handy for storing away clothes and brushes, and so forth.’ With something of relief was it that I got home, with all its conventions and obsolete appointments. I made a careful inspection to see if there was any lurking innovation anywhere. In my present frame of mind I eouldn t stand it. My eyes fell on the gas-brackets. I at once gave orders for them to be taken down and the gas turned off. I then lit the candles, wrote to the company to remove the telephone, and sent out and bought a warmingpan.