Anecdotes and Sketches.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLV, Issue 17, 26 April 1911, Page 71

Anecdotes and Sketches.

GRAVE, GAY, EPIGRAMMATIC AND OTHERWISE.

"he Drummer s Sermon. 7, ERTAINLY I will make a few rc- *.', i 7 marks,” said the cigar salesman .. who, because of his solemn garb, had been mistaken for a man of the eloth. Ascending the platform, he “'.'eaid: 1 “Men are like cigars. Often you cannot v tell by the wrapper what the filler is. ? Sometimes a good old stogie is more - popular than an- imported celebrity. Some men are all right in the showcase, on display, but are great disappointments when you get them home. No matter how fine a man is, eventually he meets his match. A two-fer often puts on as many airs as a fifty-center, Some men never get to the front at all except during campaigns. Some are very fancy outside and are selected for presents. Others have a rough exterior, but spread cheer and comfort abopt them because of what is inside. But all men, as all eigars, good or bad, two-fers, stogies, rich or poor, come to ashes at last.” «■<?>-?> A Woman in the Case. A mother-in-law had stayed so often with her daughter as to cause a quarrel with the husband. One day she found her daughter weeping in the dr.vwing-room. “What’s the matter? Gracious me, don’t say that George has left you!” She exclaimed. “He has,” replied the young wife tearfully. “Then there’s a woman in the case?” mater asked, her eyes lighting up ex■ectantly. “ “Yes.” “Who ia itt* .

Disappointed in Her. “And so your father refuses to consent to' our-union?” “He does, Rodblphus.” The sad youth swallowed a sob. “Is there nothing left for us, then, b it an elopement?” said he. “Nothing.” - • -- - - The girl was fond blit firm. “Do you think, Clementine, that you could abandon this luxurious home, forget all the enjoyments of great wealth, banish yourself forever frorii your devoted parents’ heart's, and go West with a poor young man to enter a hoirie of lifelong poverty and self-denial?” “I could, Rodolphus.” The sad youth rose wearily and reached for his hat. “Then,” said he, “you are far from being the practical girl I have all along taken you to be.” And with one last look around on the sumptuousness that some day he had hoped to share he sobbed and sa d fa e well.

Raising the Wind. That was a facetious bishop who went to preach a charity sermon a short time ago in a northern diocese. The vicar being ill, a curate received him, and, thinking to say something pretty, observed; — “1 am grieved that you should have come on such a windy day.” But the..youth found his grief misplaced when he of the lawn sleeves replied, “T'ut, ’ tut, my boy! Didn’t I come to raise the wind?” «><•><?> The Sophisticated Maiden. A young man and a maiden were betiothed. “Dearest one,” said the young man, “I love thee. So great is my devotion that if another should cast loving glances at thee a fearsome thing would happen.” “What might it he?” quoth the maiden. “Even that I would kill him. Dost believe me ?” “Nay,” quoth the maiden. “Nay ? But 1 protest to thee. I vow, I swear, that if another should make love to thee his life should pay forfeit. By yonder moon I swear! Dost believe me now ?” “Nay,” quoth the maiden. “Now. what meanest thou ? Why believest thou not that I would kill the dastard villain?” “Because,” quoth the maiden, “thou wouldst not know aught about it.”

The Great Advantage. “I have looked over that house which you recommend so highly,” said a househunter to an estate agent, “and J find the walls damp, the shutter half off, the drainage out of order, the cellar, full of water, and the roof leaky.” “Yes, sir, 1 know the house is in a rather bad condition,”'’ responded the agent, “but think of its advantages— l there isn't a piano within a hundred yards of it!” <s>«>«> The Cn>eso of the Trouble. Mr Littlerest; “Doctor, what did you tell me was your special treatment for sleeplessness?” Medico: We strike at the cause of the origin of the trouble.” Mr Littlerest: “You don't say soil Well, you will find the baby in the other room. Only don’t strike at him too hard.” * <t> <?> Her Idea. A girl who inherited a snug little fortune of £3,000 had been rather cramped financially all her life, and she had always longed for the luxuries and frivolities of existence. Her uncle came to talk the matter over and advise her as to tlfa investment of her little fortune. “Now. my dear,” said he, in the tone of a genial but prudent counsellor, “of course you have made some plans—have some idea of how this is to be invested? What vearlv income do you expect from your £3,000?” , Then the young woman replied: “1 expect, dear uncle, to invest my money so that I shall have a yearly income of £O,OOO for six months.” <®> <J> <s► Every Little Bit Helps. "Is there anyone present who wishes the prayers of the congregation for a relative or friend?” asks the minister. "I do,” says the angular lady who arises from the rear pew. “I want the congregation to pray for my husband.” “Why, sister Abigail!” replies the minister. “You have no husband as yet.” “Yes, but I want you all to pitoh ia an’ pray for one for me!”