Anecdotes and Sketches.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLV, Issue 19, 9 November 1910, Page 71

Anecdotes and Sketches.

GRAVE, GAY, EPIGRAMMATIC AND OTHERWISE.

More Up to Date. Xi y OU may tell me the names of the 1- I twelve Apostles, Sam!” said the pretty Sunday-feehool teacher one morning. Sam’s face fell, and he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “ Can’t do it, ma’am,” he said, sorrowfully, and then his eyes brightened, “but I can tell off all the forwards in the Rugby teams.” The Way of a Husband. Doctor (politely, but looking- at his watch with impatience): Pardon me, madam, but my time is not my own. You have given me all your symptoms in sufficient detail, and now perhaps you will kindly—er—ah— Husband (not so considerate): Maria, he doesn’t want to hear your tongue any more; he wants to look at it. ! <s><•><s> “ Chuck Me In Again.” layor Lagee, of Pittsburg, was talking about an obstinate man. “He is a ‘sotg in his ways,” said the Mayor. “He is as bad as the old planter of history. '■ -- '■ “An old planter, in the palmy days before the war, was blown up in a steamboat accident on the Mississippi. They fished him out unconscious. At the end of an hour’s manipulation he came to. '“Where am I?’ he asked, lifting his head feebly. “ ‘Safe on shore,’ the doctor told him. ‘“Which side of the river?’ he in-

quired. “ ‘The lowa side,’ the doctor replied. The old planter took a look at the turbid, yellow stream. Then ho said: 4‘ ‘Just my luck to land in a pi'ohibition State. ‘ Chuck me in again.’*

Their Only Chance. A party of Territorials were taken to the shooting range for the first time. The men fired at a target 500yds away, and not one hit it. They were next tried at a target 200yds away, and still everyone missed. They were at last tried at one just 100yds away, but no one hit it. •< “Attention!” thundered the drill sergeant. “Fix bayonets! Charge! It’s your only chance!” <?> ♦ One Better. “When I was a young girl,” titters the first old lady, “one of my beaus hugged me so hard he broke one of my ribs.” “Humph!” replies the second old lady, adjusting her glasses and smoothing back her hair in conscious pride, “when I was a young girl one of my beaus hugged me so hard he broke one of his arms.” t

A Husband’s Fourteen Errors in Life.

AS SEEN BY HIM. To tell how to run her club. To bank his money in her name. To expect her to like his female relatives. To forget to praise her. To expect her to be grown up. To expect to have the last word. To take her opinions too seriously. To forget that she will change her mind. To let her open his letters. To borrow her umbrella. To get mad because his bed is not tucked in at the foot. To tell her how his mother used to cook. To hesitate to tell her where he is going and where he has been. To work for her so hard that he has no time to devote to her. A Wife's Fourteen Errors In Life. AS SEEN BY HER. To ask a man where he is going when he goes out. To ask him where he has been when he comes back. To tell him what she would do if she were in his place. To tell him everything, and thus reveal her limitations. To ask him to put on her rubbers.

To allow his stock of handkerchiefs and socks to get low. To buy bargain neckties. To tell him that he is good lookingTo expect to Irave the last word. To let him know how old she is. To tell him what her mother says. To allow him to edit her letters. To economise at the expense of her personal appearance. To expect him to like her best friend’s husband. <?><.•> -s> Particular. ’’What was the matter with that lady who just went, out of the store?” asked, the grocer. “She found fault with the potatoes,” replied the clerk. “What was the matter with them?” “She didn't like the colour of their eyes!” <j> >®> <s> The Waiter's Fluent Tonga.,. The waiter who bawls out his orders to the cook in the kitehen may soon bens extinct as the dodo, but his cries should live forever. “Mutton both in a hurry,” says a customer. "Baa-baa in the rain! Make him run.” shouts the faiter. "Beefsteak and onions,” says a customer. “John Bull! Make him a ginny!” shouts the waiter. “Where's my baked potato?” asks a lustomer. “Mrs. Murphy in a sealskin jacket” is the waiter’s version. "Two fried eggs, lightly cooked,” from another customer. ’’Adam and Eve in the garden! Leave their eyes open!” shouts the waiter. ■ “Chicken croquettes,” says a customer. “Fowl ball!” shouts the waiter. “Hash.” says a customer. “Gentleman wants to take a chance!” shouts the waiter. “I’ll have hash too,” says the next customer. “Another sport!” shouts tlie waiter. “Frankfurters and sauerkraut, good and hot,”, says a customer. “Fido, SJiep, And a bale of hay,” shouts the waiter; “let ’em sizzle!”