Anecdotes and Sketches.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLV, Issue 18, 2 November 1910, Page 71

Anecdotes and Sketches.

GRAVE, GAY, EPIGRAMMATIC AND OTHERWISE.

They Act That Way. THE religion of some people is too lenient,” said Bishop Heslin in a recent address in Natchez. “Some people suggest to me in their view 7 of religion a little girl w'hose teacher said to her: “ ‘Mary, what must we do first before we can expect forgiveness for our sins’ “ ‘We must sin first,’ the little g*rl answered.” A Cure for Insomnia. Recently a friend who had heard that I sometimes suffer from insomnia told me of a sure cure. “Eat a good big pork ehop and drink two or three glasses of milk before going to bed,” said he, “and I’ll warrant you’ll be asleep within half an hour.” I did as he suggested; and now, for the benefit of others who may be afflicted with inosmnia, I feel it to be my duty to report what happened, so far as I am able to recall the details. First, let me say my friend was right. I did go to sleep very 7 soon after my retirement. Then a friend, with his head under his arm, came along, and asked me if 1 wanted to buy his feet. I was negotiating with him, when the dragon <m which I was riding slipped out of his skin and left me floating in mid-air. While 1 was considering how I should get down, a bull with two heads peered over the'edge of the wall, and said he would haul me up if I would first climb Up and rig a windlass for him. So, as I was sliding down the mountain side, the engine-driver came in, and I asked him when the train would reach my station. “We passed your station 400 years ago,” he said, calmly folding the train up and slipping it into his vest pocket. At this juncture the clown bounded

into the ring and pulled the centre-pole out of the ground, lifting the tent and all the people in it up, while I stood on the earth below watching myself go out of sight among the clouds above. Then I awoke, and found I had been asleep almost ten minutes. <S> «> <•> Satisfied. “Do you respect me?” As she uttered these vital words the beautiful girl gazed tensely at the young man to whom but a short time before she had plighted her troth. He was not slow to respond. “Never!” he replied passionately 7. “How ean I respect a creature who wears the clothes that you do; who spends more time every day over her hair than the average chauffeur does over his auto; who never has an original idea, and depends for her stock in conversational trade on the chance sensations that impinge upon her brain, which is about the size and capacity of an anthropoid ape; whose concept ion of morality and good

faith is bounded by 7 the latest conventional society 7 rule, and who knows as much about the true science of living as a cigar store Indiarn? Respect you! I should say not! But 1 love you with all ray heart and soul; life without you would be a desert waste, and I ask for nothing but to be your devoted slave all the rest of my days. O, darling! say, that this all you desire!” “It is, it is,” she. whispered, clinging to him with a renewed ardour. “New I know everything is all right; but there have been times when I feared that perhaps our marriage would not be an ideal one.” <®> <3> <S> A Golf Expert. ' A story is told of two old antagonists who met on a Scotch golf course every Saturday afternoon. On one occasion, when they were all “square” at the seventeenth, and the loser of the previous week had just played his third in the shape of a nice approach to the green, last week's winner came up to his ball with grim purpose. He had an easy pitch to the green, but a number of young sheep were unconcernedly browsing along the edge. “Run forrward, laddie,” said last week’s winner to his caddie, “and drive awa’ the lambs!” “Na, na!” vigorously protested his opponent. “Bide where ye be, laddie! Ye eanna move any growin thing! That’s the rule o’ gowffl”

A Hardy Bird. “Crows are hardy birds,” remarked the boarder. "In cold weather I have known them to go five days without food.” “That’s, nothing,” chuckled the comedian boarder, "I've known crows to go five months without food.” “Great Scot! What kind of crows were they ?” "Wliy, scarecrows, of course!” <s>«■<?> The Motor Was Working 'Well. A lawyer tells this story: A bailiff went out to levy on the contents of a house. The inventory began in the attic and ended in the cellar. When the dining-room was reached, the tally of furniture ran thus: “One dining-room table, oak. “One set chairs IB), oak. "One sideboard, oak. “Two bottles whisky, full.” Then the word “full” was stricken out ami replaced by "empty,” and the inventory went on in a hand that straggled and lurched diagonally aeross the page until it closed with: "One revolving doormat.” <?>•s>«> A Friend of the Cause. By mistake a farmer had got aboard a ear reserved for a party of college graduates who were returning to their alma mater for some special event. There was a large quantity of refreshments on the ear and the farmer was allowed to join the others. Finally some one asked him: "Are you an alumnus?” "No,” said the farmer earnestly; "but I believe in it.” <?> <S> <?> Fugues and Clam*. Hr. Heinrich C. <>. Hirseh, the Viennese conductor, said recently that New’ York’s musical taste was much better cultivated than Chicago’s. "A New York and a Chicago girl," he went on, "met at the seashore. In the twilight, while the sky flamed pink in the sunset and the hotel orchestra played Massenet on the terrace, the New York girl said to the Chicago girl: “Do you like fugues?” “The Chicago girl sighed and answered wistfully: '• ‘No, but I adore clams.’ ”