Our Funny Page

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLIII, Issue 6, 11 August 1909, Page 72

Our Funny Page

Patient: “I’m an awfully unlucky Johnny. I’ve had bicycle knee, tennis elbow, golf wrist, motor face —what’s rrong now?” Doctor: “You’ve got aeroplane lungs!”

I JEWELLER’S LAST CHANCE. Bride (soon after the marriage) : “The jeweller who sold you the wedding-ring •adly overcharged you.” Groom: “The rogue! And I have bought four engagement-rings from him!” k WHEN TO ACT THE PART. •Are you afraid of thunder and Ming?” “Depends upon whether I have male company in the parlour or not.”

MONEY AND THE LADY. Checkers: “Years ago I had money to burn, and I burnt it.” Neckers: “Bow?” Checkers: “On an old flame of mine.” THE NEW TUBE GOWN. She: “How do you like my new dress f” He: ‘“Huh! it reminds me of a popular theatre.” She: “What do you mean?” He “Standing room only.”

, “Say, Ma, are you reading ‘Household Hints’?” “Yea, dear.” - “Well, would you mind turning to where it says how to take ink spots out of carpets?”

COULDN'T LET THE CHANCE SLIP. Mother: “Johnny, Johnny, why are you slapping little sister?” Johnny (sullenly) : “Aunty made me.” Aunty: “Why, Johnny, how can you tell such a falsehood?” Johnny: “Well, you did. You said you’d never kiss me again’ if I hurted my little sister.” OFFENSIVE ADVICE. •’Madam,” said the medical man, gravely, “you must practice filling your lungs With deep breatlis of pure air.” “An’ bust the smithereens out of my new Direcfry gown,” sniffed the lady. *1 think I «ee myself!”

TWO AWFUL. Tommy: “Fop, a man is a bachelor until he gets married, isn’t he?” Tommy’s Pop: “Yes, my son.” Tommy: “And what does he call himself afterward?” Tommy’s Pop: “I’d hate to tell you, my son.” IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN. “All right behind there?” called the conductor from the front of the car. “Hold on,” cried a shrill voice. “Wait till I get my clothes on!” The passengers craned their necks expectantly. A small boy was struggling to get * basket of lamedry aboard.

PRIDE GOETH BEFORE DESTRUCTION. Professor (coining from his club, holding up triumphantly his umbrella to his wife) : “You see, my dear Alma, how stupid are all the anecdotes about our absent-mindedness. You see, I haven’t forgotten my umbrella.” Mrs Professor: “But, my dear, you didn’t take your umbrella with you; you left it at home.” LABOUR WASTED. “What is the matter with Rimer, these days ?” “Why, his fiancee has turned him down.” “Is that so? I thought she was quite stuck on him. He wrote a sonnet on her arms, a ballad on her face, a rondeau on her nose, a triolet on her grace.” “Yes; and then stepped on her toes.” DOING WELL. “Young man,” said a rich and pompous old gentleman, “I was not always thus. I did not always ride in a motorcar of my own. When I first started in life, I had to walk.” “You were lucky,” rejoined the young man. ‘When I first started, I had to crawl. It took me a long time to learn to walk.”

“NAMING THE BRAIN CHILD.” Artist—“ Could you think of any suitable quotation to go with my picture T” Friend—“ Well, what about Shelley*® lines ? — “ ‘Hail to thee, blithe spirit, Bird thou never wert!’” AMOUNTSTO THE SAME THING. Kinks: “Do you mean to say you have the advantage of a college education!" Blinks: “Yes.” Kinks: “But you never went to college.” Blinks: “No matter; my wife did." FABULOUS. It happened one day On a street-car, they say, And the man came from Mount St. Elias. He stood on his feet, Gave a lady his seat, And “She thanked him.” (3:16, Ananias.

Old Mrs. Fly: “I told you, Mary, you’d get caught if you kept on buzzing around that old bachelor."

A REGULAR CUSTOMER. He was out with his best girl, and as they strolled into the West End restaurant he tried to put on an I-do-this-every-evening kind of a look. When they were seated at a table a waiter approached them. “Will monsieur have a la carte or table d’hote?” he asked. “Both,” said the young man; “and put plenty of gravy on ’em.” FAR AS HE GOT. Helen: “Why, he yawned three times while I was talking to him!” Myrtle: “Perhaps he wasn’t yawning. He may have been trying to say somsthingl”