An Up-to-date Fairy Tale

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLIII, Issue 6, 11 August 1909, Page 42

An Up-to-date Fairy Tale

THE VERACIOUS STORY OF SOME TRULY REMARKABLE ADVENTURES EXPERIENCED BY A MAN WHO, THROUGH NO FAULT OF, HIS OWN, WAS REDUCED TO A HEIGHT OF ONE INCH.

By

PERRITON MAXWELL

Illustrated from Photographs by the Author

THE doctor meditatively wagged his shock of snowdrift hair and pulled a grave countenance. He was a rosy, rotund cherub of •ixty-three, with a laugh that bubbled up straight from his heart. He exuded health, and to his patients he was the living symbol of optimism, the soul of good cheer. No one could remain ill very long under his skilful care; in thirty-one years of daily practice he had had less than half a score of patients iwhose ailments bad reached beyond the power of healing. But now there was a solemn shade on his ruddy old mask •Ad an unquiet look in his eye. Evident-

ly he believed me to be asleep, which, indeed, I should have been after the exhausting physical examination 1 had just endured at his hands. From my vantage-point beneath the coverlet of the bed, I saw and heard everything which transpired about me—■ saw and heard too much for my peace of mind. I scented danger in the doctor’s unnatural sobriety of manner. “A badly complicated case of appendicitis,” I heard him teli my wife. “The devil!” I muttered to myself. “Still, I suppose I should be thankful it isn’t something worse.” “Is it .so serious, then?” tremulously .whispered my wife. “Not so serious, little woman, but that we'll have him on his pins again in a week or two. But,” and he lingered unreasonably long on the word, “he will have to undergo an operation, and at once.” . Immediately I lost interest in my own welfare. Nothing counted after that pronouncement of doom. If they were going to pry me open like a can of beef, and play hide and seek with the inner man of me while I lay foolishly weak and powerless, there surely was no further use for life. In my own mind I was

already coffined. Always I had entertained a robust horror of the knife. I owned to a fixed theory that a certain large percentage of sick men and women went down into premature graves, butchered on the surgeon’s table. My mental discomfiture was as poignant as my physical pain was intense when, after a night of fever and fantastic dreams, I awoke next morning to realise that all preparations for removing me to the hospital had been made. I was actually on my way to the block, there to be man-handled and cut up for ths crime of having a wilful v'jniforni appendix.

After a hideous nightmare of a ride to the hospital in a stuffy, jolting cab, and but a brief rest upon arriving there, I eventually found myself, like a trussed chicken on a platter, laid out upon a slablike table bristling with thumbscrews and brass tilting devices; it was not unlike one of those torture-racks used in a remoter day for victims less innocent, perhaps, than myself. The group of young doctors gathered about my prostrate form seemed to be very jocular indeed over my helplessness, perhaps my approaching death. They had absolutely no sense of the importance of the moment as I felt it.

“It will be all over in a jiffy,” said one of my smiling assassins, a spectacled chap with a blonde beard, as he adjusted a cone-shaped something over my face. I was inhaling ether, and there was no backing out of it now. The ordeal was on. I felt myself sliding out of the world, slipping the harness of life, gliding with terrible swiftness down an interminable chute. Faster and faster I sped along the endless death-slide. Then I rebelled. I tried to clutch the sides of the chute, grabbed ineffectually at the polished, unyielding surface under me, and vainly dug my

heels into it. I realized that my struggles were useless-the far-away confusion of voices convinced me of that. Something seemed to tug at my vitals, and there was a dim consciousness of pain, but this I lightly laughed away, for I suddenly becaine aware that it was not Viy pain, but belonged to some one else

—to the blonde assassin who called himself a surgeon, to the uniformed attendant at the door, to the coloured porter whom we had passed in the corridor, to the white-capped nurse with the violet eyes. The pain was there in my side —oh, yes, there was no doubt of that, but some one else felt it. It wits a huge joke, and I knew I' was the only person in the whole great universe that could appreciate or even understand. Then the desire to rise from my uncomfortable position on the operatingtable came upon me with compelling force. I knew I was required to lie perfectly quiet, but I seemed to be alone.-in the midst of an all-enveloping white vapour. You may imagine -my astonishment when I found the task of- rising from the slab no more difficult than getting out of a chair- ; After, stretching, myself to loosen up ray joints I started across what I supposed was the floor of the operatingchamber. It was a strange sensation to come suddenly to the end of the floor, and peering over the edge, to see a sheer drop of some fifty feet or more to the level of what seemed to be the storey below. I eould not quite bring my reason to focus true on the situation. I had only the consciousness of an enormous human countenance with a huge blonde beard peering at me from out a vast impenetrable whiteness, a fog of infinity. I tried to shake off the foolish illusion, but it would not be shaken. Then I lost reason completely, tossed discretion to the winds, and made a plunge into space over the edge of the floor, down, down, down! Did you ever fall from a great height?

Probably not; it is not a popular pM> time. But if you have, you will recognize the sensation of passing swiftljl through a tube of rapidly solidifying aili —air that envelopes you and shrieks im your ears as it folds you tighter and tighter in its embrace. You have only; one thought while you are falling—you

wonder how soon you will strike thei bottom of the impalpable air-tube. It came almost at the moment tha question formed itself in my mind. I felt the heavy jar of my body when it came in contact with the ground, and wondered how much of me was left unbroken. It is a strange fact but a true one that I escaped unharmed. I had struck upon a mound of something soft and yielding;—something like a mountain; of piled-up linen, if you can imagine such a thing. 1 struggled out of the folds of the yielding mass, and finally reached the floor. -

I do not know how the realization w-as brought home to me, nor what inspired me to see the truth as it was, but all at once I knew I was not of normal proportions. I had shrunk into’ a man of incredible diminutiveness; I w-as standing beside the walking-stick! of one of the hospital-inspectors,.and I! recognised the cane immediately from the peculiar wood of which it was made. It now towered above my head like an attenuated Eiffel Tower, but it enabled mei to gauge my height, and I discovered that I stood from the ground but little higher than the ferrule. I was one inch tall! Ido not think I ever harboured any foolish notions about my own importance in the world. The entire human race is but a mere swarm of ants crawling about on the little terrestrial golfball we call the earth. But to find oneself suddenly reduced to the dimensions of a healthy grasshopper, without that creature’s splendid mechanism or locomotion, is to feel very small indeed. I brought all of my philosophy to bear on the situation, however, consoling mysfili

with the thought that there were other living and useful creatures still smaller than myself, and set out to seek further adventures. Everything now took on an interesting •nd unusual appearance; the gnost common objects of daily life assumed the ap4>earance of gigantic curiosities. A medi-cine-case looked to me like a big house of eccentric architecture; a dust-heap in a 'corner of the great room swarmed with infinitesimal bits of animal life which, I was sure, could not be discerned by the eye of a normal man. One thing reconciled me to my strange predicament—l was free to go wheresoever I pleased, without let or hindrance. I stood for a moment in the shadow of a porcelain basin which rested on the floor, and watched with zest the passing of several pairs of giant legs. It gave rflc a peculiar sensation to see first one

huge foot and a trousered leg rise high in the air and swing over the floor with the force of a flying mountain, to be immediately followed by the other leg performing a like miracle. And when a human foot came down upon the floor, it Was like a crash of thunder in my Lilliputian ear-drums. My curiosity in this novel exhibition of walking came near costing me my life. I had ventured out from the safe shelter of a chair-leg to pass under a distant table, when from another part of the room a man started hurriedly in my direction, walking with long strides. Run as I might, the monster feet came crashing toward me, nor could I find any convenient object near at hand under which to dodge. In an instant I saw the shadow of an enormous foot and felt a rush of air. Instinctively I dropped to the floor and flattened out upon it. The great mass of creaking leather passed completely over me. I escaped being crushed into pulp only because the heel and sole of the Brobdingnagian boot had struck the floor directly in front and back of me. and I sprawled in the hollow of the sole which arched for an instant above. The passing of my recent danger had no further effect, when I was fully recovered, than to embolden me to test my diminutive powers. Accordingly, I essayed ■the climbing of a table-leg which loomed in my, path like the trunk of a California redwood. How I reached the top I scarcely know, but reach it I did. The wood of the table was far rougher on the surface than it probably appeared in the

eyes of ordinary mortals. I remember that for some space of time I hung perilously upon the table’s edge like one swinging from the ledge of a sheer mountain face. When I gained the top my curiosity led me to a big, black object which I finally made out to be a common Derby hat turned brim uppermost on the table. Up the curving side of the hat I clambered, digging toes and fingers into the yielding felt, and swung safely over the brim. Carefully I crawled to the edge of the inner rim and peered down into the abyss. It was like looking into the mouth of a crater—a yawning chasm of darkness, to fall into which meant at least a broken neck. I lost no time in getting back to the more solid footing of the table-top. Walking a few paces, I was presently confronted with a huge, round object covered wl h glistening yellow excrescen-

ces like polished knobs of brass. ' .1 the other side of the giant ball wa r caseknife of the kitchen or tool-box variety, and this seemed as large as a steel girder. The great sphere I recognised after closer scrutiny as an orange. Noticing a champagne-glass standing like a Crystal Palace some distance away, I made for it and wondered if it were possible to scale its slippery sides. No sooner the thought than I threw aside my coat and made an attempt to reach the edge. After many discouraging efforts, I at last grasped the smooth, round brim at the top. and sat astride of it, balancing in mid-air. For some purpose the glass had been filled with water; it had the appearance of a rather muddy lake as seen from my uncertain perch. How it happened I never precisely knew, but of a sudden I was floundering around in this sluggish pool, more wet than frightened. I think I was blown into the water by.the onrush of air from a near-by door that had been flung open. I struck out for the side of the glass, swimming valiantly enough, but finding it more difficult with each attempt to get a firm hold on the slippery side. Suffice it to say that, like a drenched rat, I finally made my way from what threatened to be a watery tomb. Since I seemed doomed to hairbreadth escapes that day, I no longer shrank from any object, no matter how unfamiliar or repulsive a front it presented, to my new line of vision. Naturally, therefore, when I saw at a far corner of the table an ugly mass of dark stuff

belching fire and smoke at one end, which end projected out into space, I directed my steps toward it. The extreme point opposite that which was aflame had evidently been saturated with water, and then beaten and hacked at until it was shredded and pulpy. The object, I found, when I had crawled up its crackling side and sat on the top, was of cylindrical form, and exuded a pungent odour. Near the burning end I gazed over into a crumbling formation of hot ashes from which arose the most stifling fumes. The odour I recognised at once—it was a cigar, and, I am frank to say, not a very good one. Indeed, I remembered it as one of my own cigars, which, in my former state, I had left upon the table-edge on my way into the surgeon’s hands. The odour was so nauseous and the smoke so rank that I decided if I were permitted by kind .Providence, to grow up again and mingle with my fellows I would change the brand or quit smoking. After a long rest I slid down from the table, and, seeing an open door, crawled over the sill and travelled through a long hall into another room. Near by was. the elaborately carved pilaster of an upright piano. This I climbed quite easily. I recognised the huge white and black keys, though the latter had every aspect of covered scows uniformly anchored in a sea of frozen ivory. By jumping vigorously upon the

keys I found that I could produce a fin* rumble of sound away back somewhere in the cavernous black box. IVliile I was thus amusing myself I heard a swish of feminine skirts, and clambered off the keyboard behind the drop cover, where I might safely view, the plump woman-giant who cam* Straight toward the piano. Seating herself, she struck a vibrant chord upon the keys, which nearly split my ears. I( was like a clap of thunder intermingled with the varied shrieks' of a dozen sirens. I knew the awful vibrations would kill me if I did not escape at once, and I made a headlong dash down the end of the keyboard. I fully expected to hear a woman’s'shriek of fear, but my fair pianist must have been too much' engrossed in her music-making to see me. After landing on the carpet, panting and dishevelled, I scurried over the doorsill, and out in the long hall. Keeping close to the wall, I groped my way to the front door of the Hospital, which' bad been left ajar by a careless attendant, and in a few fearful minutes was out in the open. Dropping front stone step to stone step down the broad front stoop, I found myself on the side-walk, and moved toward the curb. As I stood speculating upon the size of the paving-blocks, there descended upon me out of nowhere, it seemed, «

tornado that lifted me off my feet and flung me headlong to the pavement. I had barely time to eateh sight of two enormous wheels, rubber-tyred, and revolving with lightning rapidity, and I knew that I had been caught in the breeze and dust of a passing motor-car. Surely the street was no place for me if I valued the tiny spark of life that was mine, and I ran for a small restaurant down the street. The pangs of hunger were keen within

me when I reached the restaurant door, and the smell of food, though overpowering, was good in my nostrils. The place was one of the cheapest and of uncleanly character. I saw a hulking German drayman at a table near the kitchen entrance; he was eating something soft w'ith a spoon, half closing his eyes with each satisfying mouthful. Clambering up the leg of his table, I reached the edge of 'iris platter and leaned, forward to taste some of the mushy food with which he was gorging ihimself, when my foot slipped and into the slimy mess, heels over head, I plunged. At the very moment I tumbled, the hungry Teuton thrust his spoon into his food just under me, and I felt myself lifted swiftly into the air. Before I could realise my position, the man’s wide-open mouth gaped before me. I felt his hot breath beating down upon me, saw' his fanglike teeth, and shrieked aloud in a soul-gripping agony of terror, when “He will be as sound as a dollar in a few days,” said the blonde-bearded surgeon. “A very easy and successful operation,” he continued. “Put him to hed, and keep him quiet. The ether may leave a slight ‘headache, but otherwise he’s as good as new.” I saw my wife’s brightening face bending above me. “Oh, Bob! I’m so glad it’s all over,” she exclaimed, with a little whimper in her voice. “So am I, girlie,” I replied, feebly. “I wouldn’t go through another such experience for twenty troublesome vermiform appendixes.”