"CUPID THE SURGEON”; An Amusing Book.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XLII, Issue 7, 17 February 1909, Page 48

"CUPID THE SURGEON”; An Amusing Book.

Comparatively few men are able to appeal suem’sfnlly to the interest and affections of the opposite sex. They ma,/ hr shrew ! and clever in business deai*. first-rate wing shots- but when it comes to making the light sort of impression on the woman of their choice they are lamentable deficient. Observing this unfortunate fact, and inilanud with desire to remedy the most important defect in his fellow-man. Mr. .Herman Lee Meader has written, and the Homy Altemus Comjmny, of Philadelphia. have publish* d. a helpful volume on the subject, having the hope-inspiring title of “( iipid the Surgeon.” With true scientific thoroughness this author went direct to the fountain source of the whole matter, and. from the little rosy god himself, learned the valuable secrets which he imparts to his readers. Says Mr.’ Meader to begin w i th: “There is only one thing in the world worth winning—a woman, yet man attempts to snare no other quarry wit.h tm.-li crude pitfalls.” !•'.!« where on this page are printed epigrams from "( iipid tkx Surgeon.’’ ■which are guaranteed to show men how they can improve upon the hires and traps they have set in the past. Being epigrams, they can easily be committed to memory, and applied anywhere, on the spur of the moment. Perhaps the mO’t encouraging one is this: '•I alike ba— and rabbit, woman wants to be caught - a wise provision of nature that deserves the never-ending gratitude of masculine stupidity.” N<-w enters the wisdom of ( iipid in his surgic;! capacity. He understands the importance of diagnosis, which is necessary in the ca<e of women for. unlike ba—, they are extremely individual, and the bait that will be eagerly -wallowed by one will be disdained by anot her. < 'f course, it is impossible to furnish a diagnosis of tin- case of each individual woman in the world. Fortunately D»>ct«»r < ui>id is abb- to overcome this difficulty. He separates them into four classes the Conceited. the Sentimental, the Mercenary, and the Blase. Therefore, in a general way, there are but four separate and distiiKl processes involved in tin* great business of catching your woman. Now come« a really big di-covery. Each of these four typi al women has rpotial w.ints. but \ on d<» I’t nerd to conf*id» r them, and you wir.’l. for she doesn't know what liny are herself. But she kn<-As what <he thinks she want- ami thin’s wheiv you get busy. r -rh ips. bring .1 more man. you arc -o fdupid that you are unable .it once to classify youi woman. In th.it ra-e a sure way of diagn<i-i< is presided for you. Is she conceited, or -entimeiital. or mercenary, or bla-<•'!’ This is h«»w you lind out: “First, give hei -üb’.Tc uinnpliinent-. hugs next, then rubies, and la-tly ait Automobile -m i k h up” un i note carefully the • fir- » of rack. If the first three fail to win her, you may know that si>t» is blase. Perhaps you ran hire a cheap and worn out automobile for the winning effort. Having made your diagnosis, you proceed to op- raU on the lady"* heai t —the

only organ involved in these eases. Bub first, as the author is careful to point out. there is the necessary preliminary of “sterilising the instruments.” You are the "instrument,” of course, aiid you are "sterilised” by being prepared to go in and win. There are two man-instruments that must be discarded at the start as quite useless. They are the stingy and the lazy man. To quote the author again: “The real triumph of the operation depends upon four big carvers from the instrument case—strength, flattery,, generosity and apparent sincerity.” If you are lacking in any of these qualifications, proceed to repair the deficiency in yourself before you begin on the woman. After that, jump in and win. It is merely a mater of—to use Dr. Cupid's phraseology transcribed by this author—“ Dieting the Conceited,” "Ether ising the Sentimental,” "Amputating the Mercenary,” and "Trepanning the Blase.” In your task of "dieting the conceited,” don't imagine that any sort of looselyconstructed compliments will do. The woman whose charms have been sung from childhood has become a connoisseur of flatteries. She has her perfections all accurately catalogued, and likewise

her blemishes. If you stupidly exalt her on account of the latter you are lost, for she will be convinced of your insincerAnd avoid generalities in your compliments. for unless you discern charming details and particularise, she will not believe that you really give her more than a passing thought. Be Imld too. Tell her you ar? an amateur painter, and would like her to pos« Ivi the head; then you arc

dightly embarrassed and whisper with regret what a loss art sustains when Mrs Grundy prevents such a Venus from posing without sueh stupid accessories as diaphanous draperies and tig foliage. "But I warn you that the lady is as voracious as a boa constrictor after a dormant fast.” So if you weary in providing sufficient flattery, get your men friends to help you out —but- see that they quote you with full credit to the author! “Etherising the sentimental” is the

most enjoyable operation of all—especially if you are built that way- yourself. But don’t keep the sentimental lady too long ill a glass globe, “for the dear little doll has a real red heart, and even if it is under a glass globe, she is just pining for someone to break them both. "You are going to have a perfectly lovely time, so draw up your chair, secure your napkin under your chin, and

prepare to en joy your sliced peaches and preserved efeam.” "Amputating the mercenary” will prove a severe test of your powers, for you are amputating, not poulticing. “There is absolutely but one course to pursue—• get a kit of tools like a cracksman carries. You want a dark lantern, rubbersoled shoes, a jimmy-, a black mask, and a six-shooter, and do it quick! "Intimate that your reason for carrying an Ingersoll watch is a disdain for bau-

files — and meanwhile let your tailor throw a daily fit over the frequency of your orders and the scarcity of your cheques. “The honeymoon may get a jolt when she sees your bank balance; but laugh and remember that alimony never annoys poor men.” When you go about “Trepanning tha blase,” in figurative language—take an axe! The lady must be jolted to start her blood circulation—for she has blood; she only thinks she hasn’t. The auto smash-up is one of many suitable processes. You might set her house on fire, and then carry her down a ladder halfdressed on a windy winter night. Whatever violent thing you do, do it thoroughly, and she is yours. “Put on vour rubber boots and raise

your umbrella, for you are about to be deluged in real love.” Of course, there are women who scatter themselves over all these four classes. This means that you are going to have a hard fight of it. There is only one way—, use a judicious mixture of all these opperations. Don't mind the bumps sll9 gives you—up and at her again! Don't be afraid to fight to get her. There is sure to be a fight anyway. “The terms of surrender may be entirely satisfactory, but there must be a battle before the lady capitulates. She may consent to an armistice, and accept a long parley in place of actual hostilities, but without some pretence of resistance Cupid would be haled before a courtmartial and shot at sunrise by her own fair hands.” EPIGRAMMATIC UTTERANCES ON A GREAT SUBJECT. There is only one thing in the world worth winning—A WOMAN —yet man

attempts to ensnare no other quarry with such crude pitfalls. Considered broadly, there are four groups into which most women may be classified, the CONCEITED, the SENTIMENTAL, the MERCENARY, and the BLASE. FLATTERY is that refinement of polite speech that enables a beautiful woman to realise her charms and an ugly one to imagine hers.

TO APPEASE BABIES AND WOMEN, GIVE THEM WHAT THEY THINK THEY WANT. First give her subtle compliments, hugs next, then rubies, and lastly an automobile smash-up. The terms of surrender may be entirely satisfactory, but there must be a battle before the lady capitulates. Ladies, therefore, I beg you to be artful. Oh! so artful, for without your finesse, our most aggressive gallantry is wasted. Were I allowed to give my despairing brothers but two words of advice, they would be, PATIENCE and PERSEVERANCE.

The real triumph of the operation depends upon four big carvers from tin- instrument ease—STRENGTH. FLATTERY, GENEROSITY and APPARENI SINCERITY. The Pasteur treatment may save you from rabies, but there is no anti-toxin in ail materia mediea that offers any relief to the young man bitten by a rejuvenated dame whose faee is a panorama of warfare between crow feet and cosmetics-

Women, by the environment of centuries, are small and narrow. They want to be big, aid they admire bigness, just as everyone craves for that which he does not possess. Skill in sincerity is acquired as it would be in archery—by practise. First, get a very stupid girl, and shoot her full of love darts: then gradually aim at more difficult, targets until you will filially be able to lie with the shameless face of a mine promoter or a speculator in suburban real estate. At last, you may rely upon a bull’s eye at every shot, against even the most sophisticated of women. Hero worship is as much a part of

woman as corset stays, and the martyr spirit is never deeper than the epidermis. Give flattery to the conceited woman, promises of eternal fidelity to the sentimental one. precious gifts to the mercenary and sensational thrills to her who is tormented with ennui. Tile man who never parleys over cab fare, who never scans the prices on a wine list or a menu, and who hibernates when he’s broke, carries an infallible amulet against feminine criticism. Supplement an erect carriage with an athletic swing to your walk, and a discreet amount of bluster about your prowess, and the woman will soon have a gladiator on a pedestal.