Anecdotes and Sketches

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XL, Issue 18, 29 April 1908, Page 45

Anecdotes and Sketches

CONSISTENTLY UNRELIABLE. One of the most celebrated almanac makers Of former days was one Partridge, and of him a rather good story used to be told. He was travelling into the country, and stopped at an inn for dinner. He prepared to resume his journey, when the ostler advised him to stay where he was, as it would certainly rain. “Nonsense!” said Partridge, and proceeded on his way. He had not gone far, however, when, Bure enough, a heavy shower of rain fell. Struck by the man’s prediction, he rode back, and offered the ostler half-a-crown if he would tell how he knew. “Well, replied the man with a grin, after getting the money, “the truth is we have an almanac of Partridge’s here; and he is such a confounded liar that, Whenever he promises a fine day we always know it will be the opposite. “Now, to-day, your honor, is set down as a fine day in the almanac.” 4-4-4-VERY MUCH SO. An acquaintance called on some ladies who had at the time been much wearied by an apparently endless succession of callers. The door was opened by th# old butler. “Are the ladies in?” asked the caller. “No, ma’am, they’se all out.” “I am so sorry that I missed them,” continued the visitor, handing him her card. “I particularly wished to see Mrs. Jones.” “Yes, ma’am, thank yo, ma’am,” reponded Augustus. “They’se all out, ma’am, and Mrs. Jones is particularly out, ma’am.”

HORRIBLE EXAMPLES. An amusing incident in connection with early rising was once told by an American lawyer. The famous John Quincy Adams and Josiah Quincy, who were much addicted to intemperate early rising, were one day invited to hear Judge Story lecture to his law class. The judge, who held that it was best to take one’s allowance of sleep in bed and be wide awake • when out of it, heartily welcomed the two visitors, and placed them in the seat of honour on the dais by his side, fronting the class. He then proceeded with his lecture, but it was not long before, glancing to see how his guests were receiving his doctrine, he saw they were both of them sound asleep. The class noticed it, too; so the judge, pausing a moment in his swift career of speech, pointed to the two sleeping figurees and warningly said: “Gentlemen, yoli see before you a melancholy example of the evil effect of early rising!” The shout of laughter from the class effectually aroused the sleepers, and the judge continued his lecture. QUITE LIKELY.

Dr. Story, the late principal of Glasgow University, taking a holiday in the country once, was met by the minister of the district, who remarked:“Hullo, principal! You here ? Why, you must come down and relieve me for a day.” The principal replied: “I don’t promise to relieve you, but I might relieve your congregration.”

CONFUSING. John Lawrence Toole, the most popular low comedian of his day, once gave a supper to eighty of his friends, and wrote a note to each of them privately beforehand, asking him whether he would be so good as to say grace, as no clergyman would be present. It is said that the faces of those eighty men as they rose in a body when Toole tapped on the table, as a signal for grace, was a sight which yvill never be forgotten. ♦ ♦ 4 MORE TO THE POINT. Andrew Carnegie is fond of quoting the witty remarks made by an old friend of his in Pittsburg, who for some lime held the record for fast horses, but was one day beaten in a brush by a young man. The old gentleman disappeared for some time. He had gone to Kentucky to get a horse that would re-establish his supremacy. He was being shown over a stud, and had already gone past a long string of horses with their records on the stall and victories they had won. Then he was taken through a long line of young horses with their pedigrees, from which the dealer was proving what they were going to do when they got on the track. The old gentleman wiping his forehead—for it was a hot day—suddenly turned to the dealer, and said: “Look here, stranger—you've shown me ‘have beens,’ and you've let me see your ‘going-to-be's,’ but what I am here for is an ‘iser.’ ” ♦ 4-4-LOGICAL, BUT INCORRECT. An uncouth granger, who, however, had a perfect mania for using words which he did not understand, was .arraigned in court by a neighbour on a charge of assault. “Well, Jim,” said the judge, “‘do you acknowledge or deny the allegation?” “I deny the allegation, Judge,” said Jim, “and I am ready to lick the alligator.”

HOW HE FOUND THE KEY. Miss Dresswell had just returned after spending a week with a country friend. Imagine her consternation when she discovered her previously well-stocked wardrobe empty. “Gracious, George,” she said to her bro. tber, “where are all my clothes? And what iu the world is that great black patch on the lawn?” The face of George exhibited all the well-known signs of conscious righteousness, and he met her gaze unflinchingly. “Maria,” he replied consolingly, “you wrote to me that if 1 wanted the key of the billiard-rooin I should find it in the pocket of your bolero.” “Yes, yes!” “Well, I don't know a bolero from a fichu or a box-plait, so I took all the things to the lawn and burned them. Then I recovered the key from the ashes.” 4 ♦ + HE GOT A LIFT. “Hello, Turnips!" said an arrogant young man to a farmer driving along a country road. “Give a fellow a lift to Newton?” Without waiting for a reply he jumped into the cart: "I might as well ride with you as walk." After two or three miles had been covered, the young man paused for a moment in his chatter, and remarked: “It's more of a distance to Newton than I supposed.” “It’s a good distance,” answereel the farmer. Another twenty minutes passed, and then the young man inquired: “About how far is it to Newton?” “Well,” replied the farmer, “keepin’ straight on the way we’re going now I sh’d say ’twould be a matter o’ twentyfive thousand miles or so; but if J’ou was favourable t' gettin’ out o’ my c»rt and walkin’ it back, it isn't very much above eight miles.”