Anecdotes and Sketches

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XL, Issue 11, 14 March 1908, Page 44

Anecdotes and Sketches

! THE ETHICS OF LAI’S. A girl recently sent this extraordinary question to the editor of her church paper: “ Do you think it is ever right for a girl to sit in a man’s lap, even if she is engaged? ” The editor answered her question thus: “ If it were our girl and our lap, yes; if it were another fellow’s girl and our lap, yes; but if it were our girl and another fellow’s lap, never! never! NEVER! ” ♦ ♦ ♦ realistic. We no longer demand that a man or woman play a part; we insist that the part fit the man or woman. This condition, no doubt, is largely the fault of managers, who, instead of requiring impersonation, pick performers for their likeness to the characters to be assumed. “Have you a father?” one ean imagine them inquiring of a candidate. “Yes.” “ Then you won’t do. This man's father died twenty years before the beginning of the play.” 4- ♦ ♦ RUINED BY MOTORS. A certain burglar, making a midnight foray in a lonely country mansion, was surprised and captured by the owner. Disposed to be lenient, the master of the house said, “If you will tell me what drove you to this business, I will let you

go.” “Motors,” replied the conquered one sullenly. “In what way?” asked the master. “Were you a horseman?” “No,” replied the burglar; “I used to have one of the best beggin’ stands in London, but how is a feller goin’ to have any chance to beg from a man what’s wizzin’ past at thirty miles an hour?” This novel excuse so tickled the master of the house that the intruder was promptly released and ordered to “hurry away.” ♦ 4- ♦ THE CASES WERE DIFFERENT. A coloured preacher took some candidates for immersion down to a river in Louisiana. Seeing some alligators in the stream, one of the candidates objected. "Why, brother,” urged the pastor, “can’t you trust the Lord? He took care of Jonah, didn’t he?” “Y-a-a-s,” admitted the darky, “but a whale's different. A whale’s got a memory, but ef one o’ dem ’gators wus ter swallow dis nigger he’d jes go to sleep dar in de sun an’ fergit all about me.” 4 ♦ 4 PREFERRED HELL. A little maid of some three years had a large family of dolls, which she loved devotedly. “ Mamma,” she asked one day, “when I die and go to heaven can I take my dolls with me?” “ No, dearie, I fear not,” replied her

mamma. “ Not even my big, beautiful French dollie?” asked the little one. “ No, dear, not even the Frenhe doll.” After thinking a few moments the little maid got out the following: “ Guess I'll take my dear old Teddy bear and go to hell! ” z , ♦■4 4 THEIR CHILDREN. One morning at the breakfast table the father of a small girl was telling the joke about Mrs. Wood and all the little splinters, also Mrs. Stone and all the little pebbles, and that afternoon a lady called by the name of Mrs. Butcher. The little girl came running in and said: “How do you do, Mrs. Butcher, and how are all the little sausages?” 4 4 4 NO OBJECTION TO TRADING. In a Scottish town a commercial traveller who called upon a tradesman at long intervals made a visit at Christmas-time. “Here’s a box of cigars,” he said to the tradesman, “ and I hope you’ll enjoy them.” “Na, na!” replied the trader; “I couldna’ take them—l never dae business that way.” “Tut, tut—nonsense, sir!” exclaimed the traveller; it’s just a Christmas-box.” “Na, na, mon! I never tak’ onything for naething.” “Well, well —give me a shilling for the box,” said the traveller, “if that will ease youi- conscience.” “Ay, ay! Weel, let me see,” said the honest shopkeeper, running his eye over the silver he took from his pocket; “I see I’ve got a. florin herew-I'll tak’ twa boxes!” 4 4 4 PREFERRED COMPANY. A dreadful thunder storm came on at bedtime, and while mamma was tucking her frightened little boy in bed, she was explaining to him that God was with him and would take care of him.

“I want you to stay with me, too, mam,” the little boy said. “But I must go down to my company, 1 * the mother replied; “and you must be a good boy and lie still; remember that God is here with you all the tiny*-” i The mother had been gone but a moments when a deafening crash shook the house and before the bad died away a small voice could be heard call' ing from the top of the stairs: “You come up here and stay with God mamma, and let me go down and stay, with the company.” 4 4 4 DON’T MENTION IT. Jane was tjje village wash-woman, iff the good old times before the day of “work ladies.” Being Irish, she was possessed of a ready wit, and full of droll sayings that made her the village “character.” ' ' One day when hanging the week’s wash on the line for the wife of the village dry goods merchant, the mistress spied a rather dilapidated pair of hose, and said: "Well, Jane, those are ragged looking stockings for me to own.” “Och!I don’t mention it,” said Jane. “I wash worse looking stockings than thim, ivery, day for dacinter women than you!” 44 4 ’ “ The population of China,” announced the school teacher impressively, “is so vast, that two Chinamen die at every, breath we take.” The small boy was an Imperialist, and his father had pronounced views on the question of alien immigration, so this piece of news impressed him hugely. Shortly afterwards he was observed to be turning purple in the face, anrl puffing like an overburdened steam engine. “What’s the matter? What are you doing?” asked the inadequately paid instructor of youth, anxiously. “ Killin’ Chinamen,” grunted the patriot.