Anecdotes and Sketches

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXIX, Issue 21, 23 November 1907, Page 39

Anecdotes and Sketches

DOUBTFUL. At a dinner party a clergyman was much more bored than edified by a young lady who told him a long story of her aunt’s narrow escape from a railway accident. “Owing to the congested traffic at the corner of Park Lane,” she told him, “my aunt just missed the train at Victoria which was wrecked at Croydon. iWasn’t it providential?” “Can’t say,” snapped the cleric, in a grating voice; “didn’t know your aunt.” A-< ■> -• * ♦ ♦ r THE TALE OF A TOOTHPICK. A well-known sculptor tells the following story:— “Whenever I see a toothpick I think of a . dinner that was given in Rome in honour of two Turkish noblemen. .“I sat beside the younger of the noblemen. He glittered with gold embroidery and great diamonds; but, nevertheless, I pitied him sincerely, for he was strange to our table manners, and some of his errors were ludicrous and painful. “Toward the dinner’s end a servant extended to the young man a plate of toothpicks. He waved the plate away, saying in a low and bitter voice: “ ‘No, thank you; I have already eaten two of the accursed things, and I want no more.” ♦ ♦ ♦ AN APPRECIATED PICTURE. In analysing the secret of King Edward’s popularity among his subjects, a French writer recalls a story which is worth; Retelling. He. relates how, when: His wap driving along a country road in; Scotland one day, he'came upon an old market woman struggling under a load Avhieh was more than; she coujd manage, “You might take pari of this In your ea.rriage,” cried the old woman'to" the .King, whom she did not recognise, “Alas,; my good 'woman,”. r<?j>lied His Majesty, “I’m very sorry, but I’m not going the sama way. However, let me give.you the portrait of my mother.” “A lot of good that’ll do me,” was the reply. “Take it all the same,’!, said the King, smiling, and he put a ys'ereign, bearing Queen Victorians- effigy, in the palm of thra astonished old peasant. ♦ ♦ ♦ SAT UPON. A certain worthy minister was a keen and accomplished naturalist. His speciality was a quite remarkable knowledge of different, classes of fungi. His enthusiam, however, was but. indifferently appreciated'by certain members of his parish, and one day, when calling upon one of them, a. sour old spinster, he was considerably embarrassed when she reminded him of the exact length of time that had elapsed since he last paid her a visit. ' He began to make excuse for the delay, when she cut him short. “If I was a toadstool,” she said, with grim irony, “you’d Have been to see me long ago! ” ♦ ♦ ♦ TOO SUGGESTIVE. In its “Literary Zoo” department a recent number of “Life” (New York) tells the story of how an American humorist had a joke played on him unconsciously by a serious-minded Englishwoman: The perennial humorist, with a heavy yearly output of stories, rhymes, and books, can hardly be blamed for occasionally repeating himself, much less can he avoid the temptation of ringing th,?. changes on an old theme. Yet even the most hardened sinner does not care to have the crime brought home to him, as fbippened to John Kendrick Bangs not long since. His publishers had turned over to a young artist his latest •■.vok, that s)ie might design a book-cover—a dangerous experiment, as the young lady, though clever, was English, and the l>ook was a volume of alleged American humour. Mr. Bangs himself passes judg-

ment upon his book-covers; and in this case, as usual, the design was submitted to him. The “motif” was a green leaf many times repeated. A grim smile spread over Mr. Bangs’ ruddy countenance as the unconscious significance of the design slowly dawned upon him. He sent for the artist: “My dear. Miss K ,” he said graciously, “this is a very effective cover, but this—er—leaf — what kind of a leaf is it meant to be?” “Oh, that!” she replied innocently, “that is the chestnut!” “Ah!” said Mr. Bangs. “I thought so!” Then he painstakingly initiated her into the mysteries of American slang, and showed her why the design would not do. + ♦ + A SAILOR’S YARN. An old admiral, well known for his powers of exaggeration, was at supper one night describing a voyage. “While cruising in the Pacific,” said he, “we passed an island which was positively red with lobsters.” “But,” said one of the guests, smiling incredulously, “lobsters are not red until boiled.” “Of course not,” replied the undaunted admiral, “but this was a volcanic island with boiling springs.” ♦ ♦ ♦ GOOD GUIDE. A detective had been put on an anonymous letter case. The recipient of the letter said to him: “The thing consisted of but one short page, and yet there were eleven words spelled wrong.” “Then the criminal,” said the detective, promptly, “was either a typewriter or a sign painter. Is there a business directory handy ?” ♦ + ♦ BETTER. “I suppose,” said the beautiful girl, “that you often burn the midnight oil.” “No,” replied the poet. “I hang my hat on the door knob, so the. landlady cen’t look through the keyhole and catch me burning the gas.” ♦ ♦ ♦ EPICURES. Two Marseillaises were discussing the best method of eating game. “Well,” said one, “if it is a woodcock, I hang it up on a nail by the beak and fasten some larks on its claws. After a week I throw away the woodcock and eat the larks, which by that time have absorbed all the flavour of the woodcock.” “I do the same,” replied the other, not to be outdone, “except that I throw' away the larks as well as the rvoodcock, and eat the nail.” ♦ ♦ ♦ MONEY WAS ALL RIGHT. “I have brought back the lawnmower I bought of you last week,” said the man with the side whiskers. “You said you would return my money if it wasn’t satisfactory.” “Yes. that’s what I said,” replied the dealer, “but I assure you. the money was perfectly satisfactory in every respect.” ♦ ♦ > KIND CARDINAL. A great cardinal went driving through the city of Florence with his horses’ tails cut egregiously short. A woman took the cardinal’s coachman to task for this. “How,” she said, "can our gentle cardinal favour a fashion so abominable as this one of tail-docking?” “Madam,” the eoaehman answered, “it is my reverend master’s kindness of heart. He is a member of several societies for the prevention of cruelty to animals, amt he docks his horses’ tails in order ro prevent them from annoying the poor little flies.”