ANECDOTES AND SKETCHES

New Zealand Graphic, 6 April 1907, Page 27

ANECDOTES AND SKETCHES

r THE IRISHMAN’S PLIGHT. 'A merchant, who is well known for his philanthropic spirit, was approached one day by an Irishman, formerly in his employ, who made a touching appeal for financial assistance. Said he:—

•‘I trust, sor, that ye’ll find it eonvanient to help a poor man whose house an’ everything in it was burned down last week, sor.”

> The merchant, although he gives with a free hand, exercises considerable caution in his philanthropy, so he asked: — “Have you any papers, or certificates, to show that you have lost everything by fire, as you say’” The Irishman scratched his head, as if bewildered. Finally he replied:— “I did have a certificate to that effect, sor, signed before a notary; but. unfortunately, sor. it was burned up with the rest of me effects!” ♦ + ♦ NO ULTERIOR MOTIVE. Adolphus promptly offered his seat to a severe, prim-looking old lady who entered the car with a ’’wiH-nobody-make-room-for-me” sort of look on Jier face. Yet she hesitated when Adolphus rose. “Do I look funny and eccentric to you?” she asked severely. “No; not at all,” replied the young man in surprise. “Or worth a fortune?” she inquired, scowling. “Most certainly not.” said Adolphus with emphasis. “Perhaps you think I will go home and alter my will in your favour?” “Madam, pray relieve yourself of all anxiety on that matter. I assure you no such base thought ever entered my head.” “That’s all right," she snapped. “Now I’ll sit down, but I don’t want any misunderstanding about it.” As for Adolphus, lie came to the conclusion that- chivalry had had its day. BRAVE MAN! Jones was one of those conceited, make-believe bold limiters, and always, spinning his yarns abcuct Us experiences in Africa, and he generally wound up by saying lie never yet Saw a lion he feared. One night, after he had finished, yarning, he was a little taken back by one of his audience, who said: — “That's nothing- ■ I have, lain down and actually sle.-t, among lions in their wild, natural state." “I don’t believe that. I’m no fool,” said the bold hunter. “It’s the truth, though.” “You slept among lions in their wild, natural state?” “Yes. I certainly did." “Can you prove it? Were they African?” - — • “Well, not exactly African lions. They were dandelions.” ALL FROM BEER. • King Edward has just paid a visit to Lord and Lady Burton at Rangemore, in 'Staffordshire. His Majesty has always shown great- friendliness to our brewer peers, and Lord Iveagh and Lord Burton are among the few who have the privilege of entertaining him annually, remarks “MLA.P.” In 1902 His Majesty went to Burton-on-Trent and inspected all the departments of the great business of Bass, with its turnover of '£5,000,000 a year. Rangeinore is a magnificent hall, built in the Italian style. Lord Burton has spent £200.000 in improving it, and has added some wonderful tapestry and valuable pictures. His lordship is a young-looking man for his sixty-nine years, lie is a very genial and vieasant companion, whose agrees Able frankness and honesty have made Whe King his warm frieiid. He was in Parliament as one of the Liberal representatives of Staffordshire constituencies for over twenty years—-for most of them as Mr Michael Arthur Bass. A baronetcy was conferred ou him in 1882, bis peerage coming four years later. His

family motto. “Basis virtutum eonstantia,” alludes punningly to the delicious fluid of which he is justly proud Lord Burton has no son to inherit his title, but a new peerage, was created nine years ago in favour of his only daughter, Nellie, Mrs Baillie of Doehfour, and her sons. Mrs Baillie’s striking characteristic is an utter absence 0.2 affectation, concerning which two good stories are told. Miss Bass, as she was then, rather astonished some old fogies at a Holyrood ball by her lively style of dancing. “Hardly the manners of a Vere de Vere." remarked an old general as she whisked past him in the mazes of a Highland schottisehe. “No,” said Miss Bass, dropping him a saucy curtsey, “they are the manners of a Beer .de Beer, and jolly good beer it is, too!" At another dance she glanced at the noble, name of Tullibardine, which a young scion of the house of Atholl had written on her programme. “Is that really your name?” site asked, “It is a very curious one, and very long for everyday use.” “Well!" replied the heir of all the Murrays, a little nettled, “it is a name pretty well known in Scotland. Have you never heard of the Tullibni • dine who fought at Culloden, or of my great-great-grandfather, who fell at Malplaquet?” “Never, I am afraid,”

was the frank reply, “but I lien, you seo. my great-gient-grandfiither was a bottle washer!" ♦ ♦ ♦ NAPOLEON AND HIS BARBER. Constant, Napoleon’s barber, tells of the many difficulties he experienced in shaving the Emperor. Napoleon would take his place in the chair, conversing and gesticulating. .Suddenly he would call for a paper, or turn rapidly to look behind him. The utmost caution was necessary upon the part of his barber to keep from cutting him; yet in spite of alt these restless movements, not once while Constant was shaving the Emperor did ho do so. Sometimes when in the chair he would sit stilt and motionless as a stone, an t Constant tells that lie could not. get him lo move his head cither way in order to facilitate the operation of shaving, Napoleon had a singular whim of having only one side o F his face lathered and shaved at a time. When he shaved hiui-seif, which was seldom, lie invariably cut himself badly. This was due io his restless impatience, and though he was scrupulously neat in his person, he would, after hewing a slice from his cheek, give up the operation in disgust, and go about, with part of his face, unshaved until he had found his faithful barber. REP TAPE. One of those extraordinary stories which ever and again are told for the purpose of' illuslrating the vast accumulation of red tape in which the clerks

at the War Office are supposed to ha buried, is related in the “ Alilc.hot News.” An officer in command ol i l»v((« lion quartered in Marlborough Lines was amazed one morning to find on his parade ground a traction engiim an,) several trucks of stonei and gravel. Tile material was deposited on the ground, and in due course Hie engine and trucks returned with further loads. On asking at headquarters for an explanation of the delivery, the commanding officer was informed that the iuslructions had coine from the War Office. Not satisfied with this explanation he caused furl her inquiries to lie made, with the result that, the original requisition for the maleriiit was produced, and it was found to be dated 1856! In moving out of the old offices in Pall Mall, a clerk, our contemporary adds, had conic across this requisition in a long-forgotten pigeon hole, and seeing it was for 100 tons of road, material for the laying out of roads, bad the order executed, with the resirit that the material was dumped in the only availabalc spot in North Camp.