ANECDOTES AND SKETCHES

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXVII, Issue 22, 1 December 1906, Page 31

ANECDOTES AND SKETCHES

HIS CHARMING TYPEWRITER. When Mr Keediek reached home one evening he was confronted by a very angry wife. He had scarcely got inside the door and hung his hat on the hall rack before she blurted out: “You’ve got a new typist.” “Why, yes,” replied Keediek. “How did you find it out?” “Oh, I am up to your goings on. I can tell you. You got your new typist yesterday.” “I did. Who told you?” “Well, if you must know, it was Mrs Gaskett. Her husband told her. You needn’t think you ean keep things from me.” “I have no desire to, dear.” “Don’t ‘dear’ me! Your typist is only about eighteen years old.” “As nearly as I can judge of ages, I should say that was about right.” “And has melting brown eyes?” Mrs Keediek went on indignantly. “Possibly,, but I haven’t noticed them doing any melting.” .. . “Oh, no; of course not! With a soft voice and charming.manners!” “You are nearly right.” “Nearly' right! I .’know I’m quite right!” exclaimed the jealous woman. "Now, I want you to tell me the name of the forward creature.” “You want the name of my typist?” “Yes, I do-.” “What for?” “Never’ mind what for. I want your typist’s name.” "‘lt is John Henry Simpson. What are you going to do with it ?” A SURPRISING VENTRILOQUIST. Caruso, the great tenor, ia a great ventriloquist as Well, and in New York, befpre he. sailed for home, he told, at a little farewell dinner, a story of his ventriloquial skill “ I was .one of a house party at a millionaire’s great new castle overlooking the Hudson,” he said. “ Tea had been served in the garden, and after tea 1 sang. Then I consented to essay a little ventriloquism, and the fifty cr sixty guests grew very still. “ Behind me rose a superb tree. Looking up into the thick foliage, I shoutel in a loud and angry voice: “Hello! What arc you doing up there ?” “ To my amazement a thin young voice replied: "‘I ain't doin’ no harm, ppster. I’m just a-watchin’ the big-bugs.’ ” _ “ The guests glanced at one another, smiling appreciatively. Pulling myself together, 1 went on: “ ‘ Did anyone give you permission to climb up into that tree? ’ -“ ‘ Yes, sir. The second groom, sir. He’s my cousin.’ : “‘Well,’ said I, ‘so far there’s no harm done. But be careful not to fall, and don’t let anyone see you.’ “ ‘ All right, mister,’ said the humble voice. . “ I turned to my audience, and smiled and .bowed triumphantly. They broke into thunderous applause. They said that they had never listened to ventriloquism.so superby. And they were quite right, too.” DEFICIENT OF BUTTONS. The following once occurred at a weekly kit inspection:— - . Officer (inspecting kits): “Well, Gunner Jones, is your kit all complete?” Gunner Jones: “Yes, sir.” Officer: “Everything got buttons on?” Gunner Jones: “No sir.” Officer . (in surprise): “What do you mean, then, by. showing an incomplete kit!' What is deficient of buttons ?” Gunner .Jones: ‘‘l’leasc, sir, there are no buttons on my ..towel!” Fortunately for ' Gunner Jones, the officer was gifted- -with a keen sense of humour, and np punishment followed as » result of. the sally'.; ‘.

THE SENTRY’S ADVICE. The corporal in command of the guard in a British regiment stationed in the West Indies, at about ten o’clock at night, cautioned the soldiei’ on sentry, a young arrival, to keep a sharp lookout for the field officer. About this time a man was being put in the. guard-room for misconduct. During the absence of the corporal the fieldofficer arrived, and not receiving the usual challenge from the sentry, he immediately asked him if he knew who he (the field officer) was. “No; who are you?” When informed that he was addressing the field-officer, the young soldier remarked confidentially: “You’d better clear out quick; the corporal told me to keep a sharp lookout for you. He’s putting one man in the guard-room now?” ♦ ♦ ♦ HE WENT WITH THE BAND. It is the Church of England chaplain who is chiefly responsible for the state of the religion of the Army, for, excepting .Scotch and Irish regiments, nearly ninety per., cent of the rank and file “go with the band.” The allusion to the band is . explained in the following story. “What’s yer religious persuasion?” said, the sergeant to the recruit. “My what?” “Yer what? Why, what I said. What’s yer after o’ Sundays?” “Rabbits mostly.” “ ’Ere, stow that lip. Come now, ch’ueh, chapel, or ’oly Roman?” And after an explanation from his questioner the recruit replied, “1 ain’t nowise pertickler. Put me down .C-hu’ch of ■ England, sergeant. I’ll go with the band!” ♦ ♦ ♦ THERE WERE OTHERS. A professor of sciences, well known for his absent-mindedness, was engaged in a deep controversy one day with a fellow-student, when his wife hurriedly entered the room. “Oh,, my dear,” she cried, “I’ve swallowed a pin!” '.fhc professor smiled. "Don’t worry about it, my dear,” he said in a soothing tone. "It is of no consequence. Here”—he fumbled at his lapel—“here is another pin!” ♦ ♦ ♦’ MIXED METAPHORS. A minister said to his congregation: "Brethren, the muddy pool of polities was the roek on which I split.” An orator is credited with a peroration in which he spoke of “all ranks, from the queen sitting on her throne to the cottager sitting on his cottage.” “My client acted boldly,” said the counsellor. “He saw the storm brewing in the distance, but he was not dismayed. He took the bull by the horns, and had hint indicted for perjury.” A Hindoo journalist, commenting on a political disturbance, said: “We cannot, from a distance, realize the intensity of the crisis, but it is a certain thing that many crowned heads must be trembling in their shoes.” An bld negro woman whose needs were supplied by friends never failed to express her gratitude in original language: "You is powerful good to a pore ole ’omni like me, wid one foot in de grabe an’ dA’ odor a cryin’ out, ‘Lawd, how long, how long?’ ” No one could imagine what :l speaker meant when he said: “Biddy, diddy,” and then stopped, and after a moment of confusion said: “Diddy, biddy,” and then, with scarlet face and coldly perspiring brow’, gasped out: “Diddy, hiddy, biddy doo?” Then he had to sit down and rest awhile before he could say:' “Did he bid adieu?”