ANECDOTES AND SKETCHES

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXVII, Issue 5, 4 August 1906, Page 38

ANECDOTES AND SKETCHES

SHOULD HAVE BEEN AN ELEPHANT. As the guard of the Rotorua train about to start from Auckland was 'standing by the luggage van, he was accosted by a smartly dressed English tourist: “Ah, guard, that’s my trunk,” pointing within the open van, “ that leather one near the wicker basket. You’ll look after it, won’t you? See that it is not thrown off before we reach Rotorua.” The guard had many matters on his mind other than a eare for individual pieces of luggage, out with Scotch shrewdness he foresaw a possible tip, so he answered, amiably enough: “ Oh, aye, sir, a'll see tae ner.” Stopping at Mercer when one-third of the journey had been travelled, John was again accosted by the tourist: “Guard, is my trunk all right?” and again he was assured that his trunk was being looked after. The guard had to account for that trunk upon three subsequent occasions before the train stopped for the last time before reaching the terminus and. then once more came the drawling query: “Guard, is my trunk all right?” John turned quickly and seeing no signs of the looked-for tip, his tried patience gave way. “ Yer trunk is in the van, but,” he added testily, “ A’m thinking that instead. o’ being the ass ye are, ye should lu.-v been an elephant, for then ye could carry yer trunk yersel.” -F -F ♦ SAGACIOUS DOGS. There, was a Chinaman who had three dogs. When he came home one evening he found them asleep on his couch of teakwood and marble. He whipped then: and drove them forth. The next night, when he came home, the dogs were lying on the floor. But he placed his hand on the couch and found it warm from their bodies. Therefore he gave them another whipping. “The third night, returning earlier than usual, he found the dogs sitting before the conch, blowing on it to cool it.” ♦ ♦ ■ RESIGNED TO THEIR FATE. A man out West says he moved so often during one year that whenever covered waggons stopped at the gate his chickens would fall on their backs and hold up their feet in order to be tied and thrown in. ♦ ♦ ♦ A SNOWSTORM IN A BALLROOM. A snowstorm in a room actually occurred at a court ball in St. Petersburg. The temperature indoors had gone up to some 90 degrees, and, several ladies having fainted, a rush was made to open the windows. There was no storm outside, but as soon as the windows were thrown up snow began to fall inside the ballroom, the moisture in the air being suddenly condensed by the extreme cold without. -F ♦ -F A BLOWOUT. Wit he: by paused in front of a haberdasher's window. He needed a new cravat. “That’s a stunning-looking thing,” he said to himself. He stepped inside. The cravat was ten shillings—more than Witherby had ever paid—but after some discussion of its merits, he bought it and walked out. As the knowledge of the new cravat began to work into his consciousness Witherby awoke to the fact that his shirts were not what they should be—nor did the collars he wore go with that tie—they were too cheap. He went back and ordered some shirt* and collars. * . ' ' ' ' "

Then he stopped at bis tailors’ to get a new suit. Then it occurred to him that his evening clothes were altogether too shabby for a gentleman of his standing. In two hours’ time be bad spent nearly £GO on a new wardrobe. Shame faced, remorseful, hating himself heartily, he made his way home. He entered the hall. He walked upstairs. At the door of her dressing-room his wife came forward. In an excess of affection she threw her arms about his neck. “Darling,” she murmured, “will you forgive me?” . .. “What have you done?” “I’ve been shopping—and I’ve been extravagant. I started with a simple little gown. One thing led to another —I’m afraid I’ve ordered a lot. Oh, dear, I know you will never forgive me!” Witherby, unable to contain himself, danced about the room in an excess of joy. 1 “Horray!” he exclaimed. His astonished wife gazed at him in anxiety. “What ean you mean?” she cried. "What is the matter?” "Why,” cried Witherby, “when I came home just now I actually believed that I was the biggest fool in the world. And it’s such a relief to know that I’m not!” ■F ♦ ♦ A DANDY BARBER. < j.-: tinier: "Hair ent, please. Short.” Barber: "Yes, sir.” (Ten minutes elapse.) “That about right, sir?” Customer: ?I suppose. my head is full of dandruff, but 1 have no time today.” ....... . Barber: “Very clean, sir; no use of shampooing it.” Customer:, "And . possibly my whiskers want trimming, but —” Barber: “Not at all. J They are very neatly trimmed already, and I eould not improve them.” - Customer: “And yon have no hair lotion to sell?” Barber: “Not unless people ask for it.” (And then the man awoke! It was all a dream.) •F -F -F TOOK THE WHOLE HOG. Whether “a lie well told and stuck to afterwards is as good as the truth,” was debated at the dinner table where a man was sitting one day this week, and it brought out the following story from a rather dyspeptic-looking man who had eaten very sparingly:—“l used to live up in the country,” said he. "One of my neighbours, an unlucky, unthrifty sort of a man, killed a pig one day with the aid of a local butcher, an'd after the killing he said to the butcher:—"By jinks, Sam', I hate to cut up that pig.” "Why?” “’Cause you see I’m owin' 'most everybody around here a piece of pork, and if I cut up the pig I’ll have to give most of him away.” “I tell you what to do,” said the butcher. “What’s that?” “I'd have the pig hung up out doors till twelve o’clock at night, then take him in and give out the next , morning that he's been stolen.” “By jinks, I’ll do it!” It was a wonderfully fine plan the farmer thought, ami he left the pig hanging out as the butcher suggested. At eleven o’clock the butcher himself came along, and loaded the pork into his team. It was not there when the farmer went out after it. The next day, with a long face, he accused the butcher in a hoarse whisper. “I say, Sam, somebody did really steal that.” “That's right,” said the butcher, nudging him and winking wickedly at the same time. “But, by jinks, the pig was really stolen,” "That’s right; you stick to that and you’ll be all right,” said' the butcher, encouragingly, and he hurried off, leaving hie friend in a most bewildered state of mind, from 1 don’t think he ever fuly emerged. '