CHOOSING HUSBAND A GIRL’S GREATEST TASK.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXVII, Issue 2, 14 July 1906, Page 61

CHOOSING HUSBAND A GIRL’S GREATEST TASK.

However much one may belittle and deride the so-called “Emancipation of Woman,” may jeer and seoff at th.* "Shrieking Sisterhood,” none may deny that the constant agitation of the subject of women’s rights and wrongs has acomplished one result from which it behoves all women to “Down on their kness and thank heaven, fasting”; the fact that marriage is no longer the chief end of woman, that no woman, nowadays, need marry, as the old time phrase ran. "for a support. Fiftv years ago. in his “Hour's Talk About’ Woman.” W. H. Milburn summed up the callings available to her as: “to sew. to wash, to cook, to teach, and. if possessed of unusual talent and education. to write.” Those were times when, with every avenue of gainful occupation closed against them, our foremothers hid small choice between dependence upon unwilling relatives or marriage with any decent man who was able to provide for a family. To-day matrimony no longer stands for the bread and butter of daily life. In stead of a necessity which she must accept or starve, it has become a luxury which a woman may take or leave as she chooses. For all doors stand open to her. and she is at full liberty to earn a livelihood in any pursuit for which she has the skill and the ability, physical and mental. Thanks to the amended legislation of the last generation, to say nothing of the present, a woman in anv civilized country is no longer in any sense a chattel. Therefore, even though she may not, excepting in utter defiance of public opinion, choose her husband, in the sense of faring forth to woo and to win. it is hers, indisputable. to choose whom she will not be wife to—a power of choice which frequently is of more importance than the first, since it is better by many times not to marry at all than to marry badly. It is one of the mysteries of life, yet none the less abundantly proved and well-known fact, that the woman with many suitors is less likely to marry wisely than she who has fewer offers. Everybody knows the old saying of "going through the woods to pick up a'crooked stick,” and Hood declares: "Give her between a brace to pick. And. mavhap. with luck to help the trick She may take the Fustus and leave Old But her future bliss to baffle. Among a score let her have a voice. And she ll have as little cause to rejoice As if she had won rhe man of her choice In a matrimonial raffle!” It is generally agreed that it is easier for a man to make a suitable choice of a partner for life than it is for a woman. The education of the man secures for him a wider experience than hers. and. also, the man has opportunities of seeing the woman in her own home and in her daily life, which the woman cannot secure as regards the man. Which conclusion, like many another, is one of the half truths which often, because of their plausibility, prove as disastrous as lies. It is almost, if not quite, as easy for a woman to judge of a man’s disposition and character as for him to gauge hers. Of course, each, both man and woman, is upon dress parade, so to speak, with company manners, and endeavouring to appear their best. Nevertheless, it requires a decree of self-control which is rarely found in any to wear the mask so adroitly that it shall never slip aside and permit a glimpse of the real personality underneath. Generally there are plenty of opportunities before marriage, unless the period of courtship is foolishly brief, for one to find out. or at least shrewdly to guess, what manner of man or woman one is thinking of taking for better or worse. “Straws show which way the wind blows”; and there are always small signs for those who understand their significance and who are not wilfully blind—little traits which speak plainly to the careful observer, “tricks and manners” eloquent of character, little meannesses which betray the sordid

soul within, flashes of temper ami the like which are as the red lights on i railway, sure signals of danger ahead. If one sees such and has not the good sense and self-control to sidetrack, one goes on to disaster, if not total wreck and ruin. For instance, there seldom is any excuse for the woman who marries a bad tempered man. still-less a cruel one. An ill-tempered man is dangerous to all around him. and the more cowed and submissive Ids womankind become, the more unrestrainedly his evil propensities develop. Yet his faults are always more or less obvious. He who is cruel at heart cannot continually simulate kindness of disposition: the fountain must occasionally send forth its bitter waters. The man who kicks his dog probably will be churlish to his wife. The suitor who shows his impatience when his fiancee keeps him waiting, who is uncivil to, and inconsiderate of, servants; careless to old people: who loses his temper over a game of tennis or golf, will grow worse in after life, and it will be his wife who must bear the brunt of his ill temper. No woman in her sober senses would deliberately marry a drunkard, yet otherwise sensible women willingly become the wives of men whom they know to be intemperate. trusting to their promises to reform; promises which are seldom, if ever, kept; and few women in love with a .moderate drinker hesitate to take the risk that occasional intemperance maybecome habitual later on. Perhaps the snare which is most frequently fatal to women is that of the conceited man. Such a one rarely makes a good husband. Nor is the reason far to seek. A really conceited man is usually incapable of genuine affection, for the simple reason that he is so much in love with himself that he has no room in his heart for devotion to any other. True, if his wife reflects credit upon him and gratifies his pride and self-love, he may be pleasant under favourable circumstances. but he is sure to be exacting and selfish. Unfortunately, it is just this type which appeals to young girls, for the man who is vain is always well groomed and well dressed, and being sure of himself and his own powers to eharm he is almost always a good talker. Meanness is with most women an unforgivable sin. Great, indeed, are the miseries of a woman tied for life to a miserly husband, and. though extravagance brings terrible evils in its train, the extravagant husband is preferable to the stingy one. since the extravagant fellow often has a sunny, cheerful disposition. while his opposite is usually cold and hard, even unfeeling. Still, one cannot always distinguish between meanness and wise economy, and it is well not to judge hastily. She was a wise woman who refused a wealthy, and otherwise highly eligible, suitor whom she had made up her mind to accept because he allowed herself and her sister to walk several blocks in a driving storm after a matinee, to the ruin of their suits and the risk of their health, rather than take the carriage which he could well have afforded. On the other hand, the clerk on a small salary who is lavish of cabs and bouquets is by no means safe to "tie to” as an anchor for the future. Probably most, certainly many, mistakes in marriage come from the fact that people are in too great haste to wed. They who marry in a hurry too often fulfil the proverb and repeat the aet through all the leisure of their after lives. It is true that when a man asks a woman to marry him he pays her the highest compliment possible; but when a woman accepts such a proposal she ought to remember that she is confiding her whole future, for weal or woe. to the keeping of the man whom she takes to lie her wedded husband. No woman who possesses a fortune would think, unless she was out of her mind, of placing it for investment into the hands of a man whom she knew no more than that he was good looking and agreeable to talk with. Yet every year there are hundreds of women who trust something far more valuable than money—their life’s happiness, to the keeping of men of whose real character they know little or nothing. Afterwards, poor souls, they wonder what they have done to deserve the unhappiness which in most cases is their lot.