Vise and Otherwise

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXV, Issue 23, 9 December 1905, Page 19

Vise and Otherwise

Speaking at Christchurch at an exhibition of physical culture, says a Southern exchange, Dr. Thacker stated: ‘■lie did not think prohibition was a good tiling simply because it would abolish barmaids. Undoubtedly the barmaid was the great attraction to the bar with many young men, but with all the physical culture ladies now growing up in their midst there was now no use for the barmaid.” For a layman to criticise the diagnosis, prognosis, or therapeutics of a medical man is, of course, presumptuous, but such an illogical statement as that contained above requires attention and correction. The exercises in which barmaids indulge—save that of preserving an equable temper—are not calculated to develop female Sandows. One of their first lessons is to push the bulk whisky unless asked specifically for the hottie. Not much muscular energy is required for this. Another is. in manipulating the beer engine, to pull the beer with the left’, saving the might of the right arm for the froth. Owing to the circumscribed limits of her sphere of usefulness she has not a tenth the exercise of the tca-rooin waitress or restaurant nymph. Any young man who has frequented saloon bars in order to observe specimens of physical culture had better give it up or find some other excuse that will hold—well, whisky and soda. When in a bar the other day a man was served with a squash. Hebe of the equable temper leaned forward and dexterously flicked out a lemon-pip with the remark, “You don’t want appendicitis. do you?” “No!” said the brute, “just a plain squash." Even that •ort of thing is not the worst they have to endure, the attentions of amorous young, and sympathetic old. gentlemen must make them long for muscles, if they have them not. Oil, Itebo of Hie raven locks. uh, Phyllis. sweat and fair. N'eat-h-amled, quiet hi speech and frocks, With wondrous piled up hair. How. how do you your tempers keep When tempters come to woo? With lies to make the angels weep. And lying, swear they’re true. How day by day and year by year, That ancient question flout: “When Is your size lit gloves, my dear? And what’s your evening out?" 4* •fc ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS. “Mabel.”—Yea,- I can tell you how to make a-eheap but attractive meat-'acafe, and will do so with pleasure. Ask your grocer to let you have the first empty four dozen beer case that he has. I see that you live within a prohibition urea, aud it is possible that lie may charge you a few pejjee for the case, but you need not pay, so neither point presents any difficulties. One half of the lid. sawn off, must be nailed firmly in position, so as to form a ccnf re-sheif when the embryo safe is placed on end. Then with some of those pretty brassheaded nails tack on anti-macassar securely over the front and ornament with bows of ribbon, sec. that the colour harmonises nicely with the kitchen wallpaper, and finish off the fop and sides “ with a little gold paint. It will not be necessary to tear the crochet work each time you wish access to this dainty receptacle, for you can rip the planks off the back at any time with a clawhammer, which can be obtained at any respectable ironmonger’s for a shilling. ‘‘Poppy-"—How very nice to have your fiancee staying upon a visit to your home. I congratulate you, dear. Yes, you aret quite right ; the only way to successfully eradicate pimples is to amputate them with a razor. It was very thoughtful of you to use your brother’s, rather than that of your intended. Some men are very fussy about their shaving gear—as they call it. Do not trouble to send us the cuttings—some papers make a specialty of them, so I hear.

“Troubled Sixteen.” I hardly’ like to advise you in such a delicate, matter. You see. dear, it is such a long time •Ince I was a girl*; but, as you say, at

your age you ought to know something about men, and 1 think if he will not take “No” for an answer you ought to sool the dog on to him. Try it, anyhow, and let me hear how the plan works. “Housewife” asks for a recipe for a dainty afternoon tea cuke. A friend of mine tried the following a couple of weeks ago, and expects to be about again in a few days: Take six eggs (I mean, of course, after you have paid for them), the weight, of one in flour, a heaped cupful of sugar, u pound 'of pastry' butter (if the butter is veiy strong less will do), aud a sum it piece of alum the size of a walnut. Mix all these ingredients together, then add a tablespoonful each of carbonate of soda and tartaric aeid. Four into a greased tin and bake in a slow over for four or five hours. My friend tells me that when she added the soda and acid the other ingredients seemed to resent it and bubbled furiously. In such a case the cake, of course, is spoiled; but the batter will still make most appetising pancakes. Let me know how you succeed, as there may be some little error in the recipe. You will remember those beautiful lines of Heine’s:

Oh, the little teas and how much It Is, Oh, the little more—how fur!

How appropriate, arc they no! ? “Rigid Etiquette”: Certainly you cannot be too strict in observing les convenances. A lady should always bow first; winking is considered rather unladylike; and “Cheer-oh!” has quite dropped out of polite. English. “Just Engaged”: That horrid editor limits my space so much that I cannot chat with my girl friends nearly as much as I would like. You want to know what you can do with a sofa the leather of which is nearly worn out. Give it a rest, my dear; give it a rest. [Just as we go to press our contribmtor writes that he fears his copy has become mixed, some notes which he contributes to “Dainty Dame,” under the pseudonym “Aunt Martha’' having gone astray. He attributes the mistake to the fact that ho could not keep his pipa alight, and the consequent annoyance. Whilst apologising to our readers we congratulate “Did Salt” upon the truth of one statement, ami have marked it with an asterisk.—Ed.] + 'F

An interesting plebiscite might be organised by some Dickens’ enthusiast- to ascertain the opinion of the majority as to the most lovable character created in that- great writer’s works. 1 think that, if not in the front rank, not very' far behind would be found the name of Mark Tapley, and whenever one encounters that same cheery- spirit which never failed Mark it compels admiration. A chance meeting with a man the other day-, to whom in more prosperous times it was my good fortune, to bo of assistance, revealed a glimpse of this spirit. After describing vicissitudes of various and entertaining sorts, but familiar to one who has himself supped with adversity, ho described how he breakfasted —a sausage purchased at a cook shop, a couple of stale scones from a baker’s, a drink from a friendly filter, and the meal is complete. ’-But,” lie added, “I have ihe pull over you; the bill of faro I select from is as long as Queen-street!” + <fr A certain “Mr Gradgrind,” from somewhere in the wilds about Oamaru, wishes to delete from the little ones’ school books the stories of Jack, the Giant Killer, et hoe genus onine. I have interviewed some of the junior classes and explained to them what was proposed. The little ones were so indignant that only rhyme could restore their reason, and I pacified them with this:

There was a nold woman who lived in a shoe. Decided to visit the town Onmarn, Just time for her traps and her slipper to pack, And call for her nephews, who both were named Jack. One was the killer nt criantn. Ills fame Has spread, while the other bad beanstalk for unit.

Then just a sharp rub uu the id.iglual brooch. And waiting them stood CiudercJa s glass coach. Then off aud awajr they went, llcketysplit, While Giaut Grim passing fell down in a tit. Arrived at the town, they inquired for the man Who wanted themselves and their book mates to ba # «i. One Jack took his heels, the other his head, While the Old Woman whipped him and left, him half dead. And If lie is wise lie‘!l let fairy folks go. Or beware the Old Woman, the two Jacks and Co. MORAL. The Truth is bitter. Let our mites Retain mid relish the delights ■Of fancy, while they have their youth. Alas, too young they learn the Trulli. 4* 4* 4* A question which is agitating the minds of saintly and alike has reference to tho sex of angels. It is a somewhat difficult matter to discuss without appearing irreverent, so I will merely state, as my unalterable opinion, that angels belong to the female gender. Can anyone conceive an angel with a three days’ growth of beard? What mere male can remain “Ever bright and fair?” That rs the prerogative of the eternal feminine,- as proved by the noble army of ballet girls (?). My opinion is supported, too, by the teaching of Mahommed. Would his followers accept their kismet coining in Death’s grim shape with so much tranquility but for the promised joys of Paradise? No! their celestial sherbert is to be handed to them by bouris clad in diaphanous robes of green and not by white-coated stewards. Perish the thought! After all it is a matter of vice versa’; to an “Old Salt’* all women are angels; hence all angels must be women, and as old Euclid would say, “Quod erat demonstrandum.” “OLD SALL.”