HERE AND THERE.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXIV, Issue 24, 17 June 1905, Page 14

HERE AND THERE.

The Antidote. “Of all sad words of tongue or pen The saddest are these: ‘lt might have been.’ ’* But one small phrase annuls the curse. Ami that is this: "It might have been worse.’* Made All the Difference. In an English inn, where some labourers were sitting one evening, mathematics became the topic of conversation, when one of the company propounded the old-time problem: "If a herring and a-half cost a penny and ahalf, what would three herring cost?” There was silence for several minutes while all sat smoking and thinking. At last one of the thinkers spoke: "Bill, did you say ’errin' or mackerel?” “ Follow the Leader.” A young curate was asked to take a Sunday-school class of girls of 18 or 19 years each, which had formerly been taught by a lady. The young clergyman consented, but insisted upon being properly introduced to the class. The superintendent accordingly took him to the class for this purpose and said: "Young ladies. 1 introduce to you Mr Chase, who will in future be. your teacher. 1 would like you to tell him what your former teacher did each Sunday so that he can go on in the same way. What did she always do first?” And then a miss of 1G said: "Kiss us.” A Serious Reflection. A New York Irishman, who began his career in America at street work, and who became a rich contractor, died recently. The widow—who, since her rise to wealth, had put on society airs and cast off many of her old friends- — came into the room in which the coffin lay. It was full of flowers and mourners. A prominent floral-piece was an anchor. The widow gazed upon it. The idea that some of her cast-off friends were trying to call up memories of former days came to her mind. Turning to the assembled company, she haughtily demanded: “Who th’ divil sent that pick ?” Wanted a Choice. If a Bacchanalian were but half as wise as he looks at half-past twelve on a winter’s morning it would be a criminal offence to preach total abstinence. Of course, this is impossible, because nobody could be as wise, for example, as Simpson looks after a good night, or rather a good midnight, without risk of having his skull fractured by the pressure of the great mass of brain from within. He got into a hansomcab a few’ night since, wearing his wisest look, and the driver asked. "What street do von want, sir?” Simpson stared at him for a while, then, with the cautious air of a man who was not to be rushed into a bargain, said, “Les’see, ole man. What street’s have you got ?” G. B. Shaw on Feminine Dress. George Bernard Shaw has broken loose again, this time on Women’s Dress, and what he says is, of course, brilliant and irrational. “Mv great idea of clothes.” he says, “is that they should be clean and comfortable. This, of course, excludes starch. I couldn’t wear a thing which, after having been made clean and sweet, is filled with nasty white mini, ironed into a hard paste, and made altogether disgusting. "In our sordid civilisation, people lose all delight in colour. The commonplace, respectable English woman never talks of red, yellow,’ or green, but of gay colours, loud colours, nice colours. She becomes an adept in dressing respectably. and a perfect nincompoop at dressing prettily.

“With this craven dread of colour goes a curious shyness of drapery. Anything soft is considered voluptuous and improper. “It is astonishing women put up with their present, clothes. Any animal with legs, if fettered with a petticoat, let alone several, would eventually go mad, 1 should have supposed. A human figure, with a curtain hung around it from the shoulders to the ankles, looks like a badly-made postal pillar. Tie a belt around your middle, and you look like a sack with its neck in the wrong place. “Bloomers are a most irrational, ridiculous ami unnatural compromise between male and female’s attire. Rosalind in her tunic and forester’s belt is charming; and opera bpuffe girl in tights ami a corset is detestable.” Couldn’t Fool the Boy. A physician was annoyed by a small newsboy, who would run into his office and yell “Evening papers” in a way to startle the patients. Thinking to break him of the habit the doctor stretched a wire across the room, arranging it so that a skeleton hanging in a closet would slide out by pulling a string. The next day. when the boy appeared in his usual noisy way, the skeleton danced out in front of him, shaking its bones in a most terrifying manner. The boy gave one yell and disappeared down the stairs. Thinking that the trick might have been rather too severe the doctor went down to the street to reassure the boy. whom be found hiding behind a tree. He called to him to come back, but the boy shook his head. “No, you don’t.” he’yelled. “I know you if you have got your clothes on.” In These Days of Operations. A husband came home one evening to find a note left for him by his wife. Carelessly he opened it. but as he read his face blanched. “My God!” he exclaimed. “how could this have happened so suddenly?” And snatching-his hat and coat, he rushed to a hospital which was near his home. “I want to see my wife, Mrs Brown, at once.” he said to the head nurse, “before she goes under the ether. Please take my message to her at once.” “Mrs Brown?” echoed the nurse. “There is no Mrs Brown here.” “Then to which hospital has she gone?” asked the distracted husband. “I found this note from her when I came home,” and he handed the note to the nurse, who read: “Dear Husband: “I have gone to have my kimono eut out.—Belle,”

Ano tli er Society Craxe. The Japanese “art” of jiu-jitsu, of self-defence, has become the rage in London, and elderly ladies attired in “physical culture” dress wrestle with each other instead of going to the countless massage establishments. Spinsters living in lonely suburbs are learning the art, so that they can tackle “hooligans” in cases of necessity, where small Skye terriers afford little protection. Young men and old men have put themselves in the hands of Japanese professors, and the result of the boom has been an influx of little yellow men into London, many of whom are very indifferent teachers. There are now over forty schools of jiu-jitsu in London, and the physical culture people, and those who run gymnasiums are doing all they can to pour cold water on the Japanese fad. as being extremely dangerous ami jointdislocating. Suppressed Chapters. Zenobia, they tell us, was a leader born and bred; Of any sort of enterprise she'd fitly take the head. The biggest, burlft st buccaneers bowed . down to her in awe; To Warriors, Emperors' or Kings, Zenobia** word was law. Above her troop of Amazons her helmet plume would toss, And every one, with loud accord, proclaimed Zenobia boss. The reason of her power (though the part she didn't look). Was simply that Zenobia had once lived out as cook. Xantippe was a Grecian Dtame—they say she was the wife Of Socrates, and history shows she led him a life! They say she was a virago, a vixen and a shrew. Who scolded poor old Socrates until the air was blue. - ? She never stopped from morn till night the clacking of her tongue, But this is thus accounted for. You see, when she was young—(And 'tis an explanation that explains, a* you must own), Xantippe was the Central of the Grecian telephone. The Use .of Pepper. Pepper is not, like salt (says “Health”), a mineral substance. It is a vegetable poison. Flies will not touch it, neither will they eat salt. Black pepper, if taken on an empty stomach, in the moderate quantity of a teaspoonful, will either be promptly ejected, or it will cause great disturbance in the stomach and bowels, and also on the heart’s action, after it enters the circulation. It is in no sense a food, but in every sense a stimulant, which is but another name for a substance non-usable by the vital organs, and, therefore, to be thrown out of the vital domain. Bed or black pepper is a prolific cause, as are all stimulants, of enlargement of the blood vessels, and ultimately of disease of the heart. Its immediate effect upon the tongue, throat, stomach, and bowels is to create increased action, not only of the capillaries, causing temporary congestion, and even inflammation of

the mucous surfaces, but also of the organs which secrete the digestive fluids. Its ultimate effect is to weaken and deaden these organs by repeated stimulation to abnormal action. It also impairs or destroys the nerves of taste in the mouth, together with the gastric or other nerves, which aid the progress of digestion. When these are weakened by stimulants the functions themselves are necessarily impaired, and confirmed dyspepsia and its attendant train of bad symptoms bring up the rear. Her First Railroad Ride. An old lady in Missouri took la?r first railroad trip last week, says “The Butler Democrat.” She noticed the bellcord overhead, and, turning to a boy, she said: “Sonny, what’s that for?” “That, marm,” he said, with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, “is to ring the bell when you want something to eat.” Shortly afterward the old lady reached her umbrella up to the eord and gave it a vigorous pull. Tbi? train was in the middle of a trestle. The whistle sounded, the brakes were pulled on, the train began to slacken its speed, windows were thrown up, questions asked, and confusion reigned among the passengers. The old lady sat calmly through it all. Presently the conductor came running through the train and asked: “Who pulled the lie!I?” “I did,” replied the old ladv meekly “Well, what do you want?” asked the conductor impatiently. “Well,” said the old lady meditatively. “you may bring me a ham sandwich and a cup of tea, please.” The Modern Loch.in.var. O, young Loch Invar came from out of the West. And of all the swift autos ills niobe was the best. He sped to the house where his lady love sat And he gave her no time to pack up dress or hat. But: "Jump in my auto! Come just as you are. We’ll skip in a hurry,” quoth hold Loeliinvar. The girl to her scat by the chauffeur he swung— Himself was the chauffeur —the warning bell rung; Then off and away With a zip and a scoot They tied, with her relatives hot in pursuit. “They follow us, love, like a lame trol--1 y car.” Observed the impetuous young Lochinvar. There were puffings and pantings, and footings and whoops. ’And bumping, and bursting, and looping the loops. And jolting, and jarring, and many a wail From afar in the roar on their hotly chased trail. “They will do pretty well if they follow us far.’’ Was the confident speech of the bold Lochinvar. The followers stopped every once in a while, Until there was none at the twentieth mile. Young Lochinvar said with a satisfied mien, “It was luck wo stole most of their gasoline I know it will give all my rivals a jar. But you auto belong to the bold Loch invar.” Geological Terms. The names of many of the subdivisions of the geological ages are derived from the names of the localities in which typical occurrences of the rocks were first studied. Azoic means without life, and refers to the earliest Archaean. Archaean means old, being the oldest formation known to geological science. Laurentian and Huronian are divisions of tire Archaean; Laurentian being named after the Laurentian hills on the River St. Lawrence, Canada, a typical exposure of the rocks in question, and Huronian is the name given to a largo area of ancient schistose rocks near Lake Huron, Canada. The Algonkian rocks were formed during a period intermediate between Archaean and Cambrian, and was named from a once powerful tribe of Indian* that wandered from the Carolinas to Hudson Bay. The typical exposures are near the shores of Lake Superior. Silurian is from the ancient Si lures, a Celtic race, who at one time inhabited Wales whore these rocks are promintenlly exposed. Cambrian is the lowest member of the Silurian, though sometimes sepa-

rately considered, and is named from Cambria, the ancient name for Wales. Devonian is from Devonshire, England. The Carboniferous is named from the large amount of carbon (the coal measures) occurring in certain localities in some portions of the rocks of that age. The Jurassic (usually called the Jura) is named from the Jura Mountains, l>etwi?en France and Switzerland. The Triassic is from the Greek, meaning three, in consideration of the three distinct divisions of this formation in Germany. The Jurassic and Triassic are usually considered togetluer as the Jura-Trias. The tertiary means the third (in point of classification). Formerly the Mesozoic, which includes the Jura-Trias and Cretaoeous, was known as the secondary period. The Paleozoic —the period of old life—includes the Cambrian, Silurian, Devonian, and Carboniferous. The Permian is the uppermost division of the Carboniferous. All of these divisions of geological time, together with the numerous subdivisions, will be found in any geology, unabridged dictionary, or encyclopedia. Rock formations are usually identified by the remains of plant of animal life (Hora of fauna) contained. These are known as fossils. Where fossils are absent, the classifications are generally made on lithological grounds. The latter has led to many disputes among noted geologists in the identification of the older cystalline rocks, and in some instances a certain confusion of identity and names, as, for instance, the relation of the Algonkian to the Archaean.—“Mining and Scientific Press.” The Science of Golf. (A certain make of field glasses is advertised just now as ‘•suitable for golf players. enabling them before striking to select a favourable spot for the descent of their ball.” There ran be litt'le doubt that this brilliant will be further developed, ami wife some such results as those outlined in the following anticipation.) As T told Jones when ho nvt me at the club-house, it was a year or more since 1 had last played, so the chances were that 1 should be a bit below form. Besides, 1 was told that th? standard of paly had been so raised “Raised? 1 should just think it has!” said Jones. “Why, a year ago they played mere skittles—not what you could properly call golf. Got your clubs? Come along then. Queer old-fas-mioned things they are, too! And you’re never going out without your theodolite ?” ”Well,” I said with considerable surprise, “the fact is, I haven’t got on?. What do you use it for?” “Taking levels, of course. And—bless me, you’ve no inllater, or glasses—not even a wind-gauge! Shall I borrow some for you?—Oh, just as you like, but you won’t h? able to put up much of a game without them.” “Does your caddie take all tho-e things!” 1 asked, pointing to the curious assortment of machinery which Jones had put together. “My caddies do,” he corrected. “No on? takes less than three nowadays. Good; there’s only one couple on the first tee. so we shall get away in half an hour or so.” “1 should hope so!” I remarked. “Do you mean that it will be half an hour before those n?»?n have played two shots ?” “There or theivabouts. Simkins is a fist player—wonderful head for algebra Jiat man has—so it may be a shade less. Come and watch him; then you’ll so? what golf is!” And indeed I watched him with much interest. First ho surveyed the country with great care through a field glass. Then he squinted along a theodolite at a distant pole. Next he used a strange instrument which was, Jones told ino, a wind-gauge, and tapped thoughtfully at a pocket-barometer. After that he produovd paper ami pencil, and was immersed apparently in difficult sums. Finally he summoned one of his caddies, who carried a metal cylinder. A golfball was connected to this by a piece of india-rubber tubing, and a slight hissing noise was heard. “Putting in tlir* hydrogen.” explained Jones. “Everything depends upon getting the right amount. New idea? Not very; oven a year ago you must have seen pneumatic golf-balls—filled with compressed air? Well, this is only an obvious improvement. There, he’s going to drive now.” And this ho did, using a club unlike anything T bad seen before. Then he surveyed the putting green—about half

a mile away—through his glasses, and remarked that it was a fairish shot, the ball being within three inches of the hole. His companion, who went through the same lengthy preliminaries, was less fortunate. In a tone of considerable disgust he announced that he had over-driven the hole by four hundr'. ya rds. “100 much hydrogen,” murmured Jones, "or else he got his formulae muddled. Well, we can start now. Shall I lead the way’” 1 begged him to do so. He in turn surveyed the country, consulted instruments, did elaborate sums, inflated his ball. “Now,” lie said, at length settling into his stance, "now I’ll show you.” And then he missed the ball clean. . . . Of course he ought not to have used such language, and vet it was a sort of relief to find something about the game which was entirely unchanged! “Punch.” Bill Nye’s Literary Methods. I eat almost anything with perfect impunity, except health food. That is the only thing 1 ever have trouble with. Health food will send my pulse down to forty-eight in less than an hour. A man must have a very strong constitution to stand up against food which is already prepared, so that all he has to do is to swallow it. I exercise a great deal in the open air. In summer I follow a lawn-mower around for an hour each day, and in winter I take a spin on the elevated railroad. 1 keep a notebook, in which I write :u! my best thoughts. I then put the book in a side pocket of my coat anil give the eoat to a poor man whose address 1 do not know. I give a great deal to charity, but try to keep it out of the papers as far as possible. W hen the weather is such that I cannot exercise in the open air I have a .heavy pair of dumb-bells al my lodgings, which I use for holding the door open. 1 also belong to an athletic club and a pair of Indian clubs with red handles: 1 owe much to my robust health to this. I do most of my writing in a sitting posture or in an autograph album. When I am not engaged in thought I thn employed in recovering from its effects. I am very genial and pleasant to be thrown amongst and frequently submit to all kinds of indignities, especially from people to whom I am indebted. rather than resent it and cause them pain. 1 keep a large pair of brass knuckles, which I wear on my feet while riding in a crowded car. This I like better than getting myself newly upholstered every week. 1 do not believe in mixing up alcohol with literature. Literature with nothing else in it will last, longer when exposed to the air than the. other kind. I dress expensively, but not so as to attract attention. In the morning I wear morning dress, in the evening I wear evening dress, and at night L wear a night dress. 1 have forgotten what books have helped mo most; also what my favourite passages of prose and poetry are. I had the benefit of the best of home infill ences when a child, and everybody has been very kind to me, so I cannot sav definitely what it was that brought me here. —“The New York World." The Zoo Budget. The family budget of the inhabitants of the London Zoo. their tragedies and comedies, are dealt with in Dr. Chalmers Mitchell’s annual report, which was issued a few weeks ago. The commissariat is an extensive one. and ranges from horseflesh and clover to shrimps, heeding the brutes cost in all £3423 4/5 last year. Here are some of the principal items in the bill:

1488 pints shrimps. 1872 fowl heads. Among the animals born at the Zoo during the year, the most interesting wore the two lions. They were, how-

ever, imperfectly formed, and died after birth. 1 hree leopards were born and lived, and among the other additions in the course of nature were eight timber wolves, a Korean hull, an eland, and live Barbary wild sheep. The population of the Zoo at the end of last year was 2552, made up as follows: Mammals Gift Birds 1448 Reptiles 343 Fish 121 The total number of registered additions to the menagerie in 1904 was ]BO4. of which 701 were acquired by presentation. 254 by purchase. 177 were bred in the Gardens, 581 were received on deposit, and 91 obtained in exchange. The number of deaths recorded is 1149. Of these the great majority died a few days after arrival in the Gardens. 1 hey include the lamented gorillas \ enus and Chloe, two zebras, and the old rhinoceros presented to the society in 1864. During all last year 706,074 visitors, an increase of 48,.866, visited the Gardens. Of these, 114,944 were admitted on Sundays. 34,350 on Easier Monday, 33,391 on Whit Monday, and 20,042 on August Bank Holiday. The record annual attendance at the Zoo,it may ba mentioned, is that in 1876, when 915.764 were attracted by the Prince of Wales 1 Indian menagerie. The total receipts in 1904 amounted to £31,538 1/10, an increase of £l4BO 4/fr on the previous year. The total payments reached £33,545 4/10. Should Music Be Applauded? The musical editor of the London “Truth” thus discusses the question of applause: Periodically, some one puts forward the notion that applause in the concert room is absurd and inartistic. “Mus< there not be a kink in our musical in telligence,” says a recent writer, for in stance, “when we hasten to drown the cohoes ,of rich and varied harmony by outburst of the ugliest noise al, our command?” In point of fact r applauqc is the life and soul of public music. There is nothing more depressing thar musical performances—those given in churched and cathedrals, for example—' nt which such demonstrations of appro Vai are prohibited. Igo so far as to say. indeed, that that musical perform a nee can he of little value which does not prompt, its hearers spontaneously to applaud. The writer referred to himself admits as much, indeed, but suggests the need" for a better mode of applause than that which prevails. As to h'and : < lapping “filing'\icoph6mjous and displeasing, why should it be thought so? Some people are, course, more sensitive in matters of this kind than others. One of the greatest of composers, it is recorded, *ainted as a child at. the' sound" 0f...* trumpet, and Schopenhauer, it was, f Miink. who pronounced susceptibility to noise the surest index to high nervouK organisation. There are those again who can not abide the harmless necessary tuning of the orchestra (which th# Shah of Persia thought the best part of the performance when he was taken to Covent Garden), and some yean Hgo a well-known opera goer went the length of complaining formally to Sil Augustus Harris on account of the anguish which he suffered from those preliminary exorcises. Sir Augustus laugh cd at the complaint, however, observing that he liked to hear his mon tun ing up vigorously, since it ensured the ncuracy of their intonation. Perhaps H ere and there the same kind of ultrasensitive personage might be found tG take exception in a similar spirit to the applause which follows a performance but certainly most are not affected by it in any such fashion. Musicians, for instance, art* among those who usually applaud most vigorously. Nor shall snvone condemn them on this account. (In the other band, for people to insist on continuing their demonstrations of delight long after the audience iq general has ceased to do so is an obvious abu-e of an otherwise wholesome practice, and audiences are often absurdly indulgent with such offenders, allowing them perhaps by sheer persistence to bring back an artist in fortunes they happen to be interested against the manifest desire of the audience as a whole. For this sort of bad manners there is no sort of excuse, and it can not be too sternly repressed.

207 horses .... £ 249 G « 270 goats .. . . 160 <> «• 34.92’ilbs fish .... 4SO 0 6 Fruit .... J59 25.196 eggs <>855 quarts milk.... .... 96 s a 111 2