The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXIII, Issue XXIV, 10 December 1904, Page 68

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

HE KNEW. < 'onirdian : “So our manager lias been sick. What did the doctor say?’ Suubrette: “Said he needed a change of scenery.” ('oini dian: *ll in! The doctor must have seen the show.” TRUE! Brown: I have just disc vered what it is that destroys a man’s memory complet el v. Green: "What is it -alcohol or toITow n: Neither; it is doing him a fa\ our.

BEING POLITE. “What’s a bachelor girl. Pop?” "That’s what you call an old maid to her face.”

A HARD PROBLEM. “Is this Aldine. Pompon ?” breathlessly in<j ii i i*io I a man wiio had climbed several Hights of stairs and been admitted into a darkened parlour. “It is," replied the stately personage? whom he addressed. “The famous clairxovant and fortuneteller Y’ 1 “Thu same." you read the miml?” “With perfect ease." ‘( an you foretell the future*'" “The future holds no mysteries, that I cannot unravel." “Can you unfold the past?" "’rhe record of all things past is to me an open book." •’Then.” said the caller. feveri>hl\ taking from his pocket a handful of sil ver. “1 wish you would tell me what i‘ is that my wife wanted me to bring home without fail this evening. :’n I name your price. Monty is no object." SNUBBED. Little Girl: ‘‘Papa, it's raining.” Papa (whose temper is somewhat ruf lied): "Well, let it rain!” Little Girl (timidly): “1 was going to. papa.” Mrs ( areh’ss (returning from the holidays): "Good gracious. George! the cal looks quite hungry.” Mr Careless: "Yes; now I come to think of it. it can’t have had anything to cat for a fortnight.”

ALL IS VANITY. Cobwigger: "Hullo, old man’ Wheeling the baby-carriage, eh? Why. where is you wife?” Newpop: "Taking exercise at the physical culture club.” TAMED WITH SPIRITUAL TA M ’ NG. Mrs Game: "See, here. Mr (».. I thought you said you had been due' hunting. But these ducks you brought home are tarn? ducks.” “Y-e-s, m’dear: I tamed ’em after I (hie) shot ’em.” POOR DOC TOR. Physician (looking into his ante-room, where a number of patients are wait ing): “Who has been wailing the longest ?” Tailor (who has called to nresent hiI'll): "] have, doctor: T delivered the clothes to you three years ago.” WOMAN'S WAY. She put her new dust coat away: She said: "It was so gusty. I shall not promenade to-day — My dust coat might get dusty.”

EXPERIENCED! “II irk. John! That must be the new servant. 1 heard a cab stop at the door.’’ "You'd better show her the house, dear, while I go and t * I the cabman to wait.”

EXPERIENCED. Mrs New: Yes; most of the servant girls are as independent and as impudent as they can be. Now. I believe it’s best to take a young greenhorn and train her up in the way she should go. and then ” Mrs ('ldea: “First thing vim know, she goes.”

PREPARED. The Adjutant.—(icing to be best man at the Ostrich’s wedding, eh? What are yon doing with that ladder? The Pelican.—Doing with it? Haven’t I got to kiss the bride?

STA NDA RD DIRECTIONS. He: “I understand that Airs Wiggins rejected Mr Wiggi’s thirteen times before she accepted him.” She: “Yes. She evidently thought it best to shake well before taking.” WISHED TO GET EVEN. “1 see it stated here that the Sultan wears an iron undershirt.” “Say. I wish I had one like it to send to my laundry. I’d like to get even with 'em once in a while.” DIFFEREN FLY PRONOUNCED. “Don’t you think he lacks aplomb? asked Mrs. Oldeastle. "Well.” replied her hostess. “I don’t know, but at the dinner the other night it did seem to me as though he couldn’t get enough peaches.”

UNDOUBTEDLY. Harold—“ They tell me. Ethel, that your aunt, Miss Thinly, will not go in bathing until after dark. Is it a fad?” Ethel “ No: it's a ' matter of form ’ with her, I believe.”

SCARING HIM OFF. "What’s the trouble between Dollv and Ethel?” "Why. Dolly told Ethel she would certainly accept Jack if he proposed, and Ethel went and told Jack.” HER DIGNITY. Mrs. Annex: I’ll tell ymi what I’ll do, Bridget. If you’ll consent, to stay I’ll raise your wages. Bridget: Listen to her. wild ye? Raise me wages, indade! Ye’ll inerase me salary. that’s ph.wat ye’ll do. A POINTER. “Ethel, don’t you think if you take this box of candy to your sister for me she will take an interest in me?” ‘‘Maybe, but her other beaux always give me a box of candy first, so I’ll not take too much interest in them when they’re with sister.”

T’OTHER WAY ROUND! "Are you teaching that parrot to swear?” asked the benevolent-looking lady with unwonted indignation in her tone. “Bless yon. ma’am!” answered the old sailor “No, indeed, ma’am: I’m taking lessons.” NOT HIS FAULT Practical Father: “If he says he loves you I suppose he does; but can he sap port yon?” Daughter: “Why, papa, you must know it wasn’t his fault that the chair broke.” Small Harry: “Mamina, what is the meaning of hereditary?” Mamina: “It is something you get from your papa or me.” Small Harry: “Oh. yon mean a spankin’!”