The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXI, Issue XX, 14 November 1903, Page 68

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

WHO HE WAS! The following answer was elicited to “Who was St. Alban?” “St. Alban, otherwise known as the Duke of Albany. Was killed in battle, and afterwards built a large church on the spot where he was slain.” HOW? Dr. M has a telephone in his house, and he instructed a newiy engaged Irish lad how to reply in case there should be a call over the wire in the absence of Dr. M and his wife. One day there came such a call, and Patrick went to the telephone. “Well, sor?” said Patrick, with his mouth to the speaking-tube. “Who’s that?” came over the wire. “It’s me, sor.”“And who’s me?” “Shure. and how should I know who yez are?” retorted Patrick. NEVER JOKE WITH A JUDGE. “Judge: You say you are not a vag rant ? Prisoner No. your honor. Judge: Did any motive bring you to this town? Prisoner: Yes your honor. Judge: What? Prisoner: Locomotive. Judge. Seven days. LET WELL ALONE. A woman applied to a magistrate for a summons against a neighbour. “She called me a thief, your worship! Can’t I make her prove it?” “No doubt you could,” said the magistrate, “but I think you had better not.”

HE KNEW. “Is your mistress in. Mary?” inquired the head of the house when he came home. “No. sor. The dressmaker spoiled her new silk dress, and she’s ’one there to see about it.” “W-h-e-w!” whistled the old man. uneasily. “Just say to her that I am called away on important business, and won’t be home until alte.” MATRIMONIAL FISHING. Father: “I can’t see what fun you find. Clara, in fishing, when you never can eateh any fish.” Daughter: “The fish I am trying to eatch holds the rod for me. Here he comes now. You’d better go.” NO SWEET'S LEFT. “How are you. Smith?” asked a man of a friend whom he had not seen for nearly a year. “Still sweet upon Miss •Tones’” “Oh. no.” “Had a quarrel?” “No: T married her.” AN OLD HAND. First Bazaar Young Lady: “Hullo. Maud, what cheer? How many fancy goods raffle tickets did von work off last night?” Second Bazaar Young Lady (mournfully) : “Didn’t work off any. Had no luck at all. and I tried all the best-look-ing young men too.” First Bazaar Young Lady: “That shows your greenness. Never try the good-looking fellows: they are so conceited. they can defy you. Always tackle the plainest ones you can find: thev’ll feel flattered and part accordingly. Tata : better luck this evening.” THE BONE OF CONTENTION. Little Elmer (who has an inquiring mind): “Papa, which bone was it that was taken from Adam to make a woman of?” Professor Broadhead: “The bone of contention, my son.”

THE POOR POET AGAIN. Willie: “The other day I found mother crying over your book of poems.” His Sister’s Fianee (delighted): “’Oh! is that so?” (Aside): “Ah! what glory! What fame awaits me! A man who can bring tears to the eyes of such a flinthearted woman is certainly great, and no mistake.” (To Willie): “She was really weeping, Willie?” Willie: “Yes; she said it nearly broke her heart to think that a girl of hers was going to marry a fellow who would write sueh rot as that!”

THE “FIXE FRENZY.” A young poet worked three hours, and then produced these fine lines:— It was a cold and wintry night, A man stood in the street; His aged eyes were full of tears. His boots were full of feet. FOR TOURISTS ONLY - . Alpine traveller: This is a very dan gerous place! And do the poor people who live on the mountain have to travel th,is way every day’ Guide Oh. no. They are not so stup id. They go up by a much easier road. We only bring the tourists round this way. SO LONG! Playwright: How do you know the public don’t like a plot? Manager: Perhaps they do. But they’ve gone without one so long that I’m afraid to risk it. A DISTINGUISHING TITLE. •‘How did he get his title of colonel?’ ‘Hie got it to distinguish him from his wife’s first husband, who was a captain ; and his wife's second husband, who was a major.” PROFICIENT. Mr Waffles: “And how is your grand mother getting on with her music. Mrs Binders?” Mrs Binders: “Oh. splendidly. She can go to a classical concert now and tell just when to applaud without looking at the rest of the audience.”

AWKWARDLY PIT. Site: “I suppose if a pretty girl eani< along you wouldn't <are anything about ine any more?” He: “Nonsense, Kate! What do I care for good loots? You suit me all right.” THE ONLY ONE ABOUT. "The man I wed must be handsome, brave and noble: he must have no bad habits, and love me devotedly.” But. my dear, that is quite impossible, you know; quite impossible.” “Why?” "Because, you know there is only one such man in all the wide world, and he is going to marry me.” PAPA’S JOKE. ‘1 think it is so silly to see a babv biting his toes.” remarked the young mother. “Well, I don’t,” spoke up the young father. “It shows that he is already learning how to be thrifty.” “Thrifty?” “Yes; isn’t he making both ends meet?” “

POOR PAPA. Willie (at his lessons): “I say, pa. what’s a fortification?” Fa: “A fortification, mv son. is a large fort.” V illie: “Then a ratification is a large rat.” NOT TO BE DONE! Tommy Sharp (laying down twopence farthing) : “A loaf of bread, please.” Baker: “It’s dearer, my bov: it’s riz.” Tommy: “When ?” Baker: “This morning.” Tommy: “All right, mister: give me one of yesterday’s.” A KIND HEART. "And so you are doing charity work in the slums, Mrs Naggerson? It’s so lovely of you to take an interest in those poor people.” “Yes, I enjoy the work very much. Nearly all the women down there have domestic troubles that they tell me all about.” UNA NSWERABLE. She: George, you don’t love me now as you used to do— The Brute: Did you ever hear of a man running after a tramear after he had eaught it? TOO GOOD TO HIMSELF. Bill—You say there were six people killed in the first act of the new piece, eight in the second, and twelve in the third, but that wasn’t enough? Jill—No: it was’nt enough, because the author of the piece wasn’t amon<» them. ’

A SCIENTIFIC SET-BACK. "Look into my eyes,” pleaded the devoted youth, "and tell me what you see within them.” The fair young thing, who had just completed her post-graduate course and received high encomiums on her thesis concerning optics, gazed earnestly into his eyes, and then replied: "The cornea is slightly distended, and the iris shows symptoms of dilation, while the ” But he had gone, searching for a girl who would not insist upon writing prescriptions for goo goo.

EXTRACT FROM RECENT NOVEL. "Placing her hands on the shoulders of the bowed form of the man before her. Imogene Cazozzus, the beautiful young girl, looked dreamily a wav into the future. “ ‘Much as I regard you. Annand,” she sighed, ‘destiny has written that I must go on and on. even though my path lies imeasurabl'v above you.’”