The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXI, Issue XVII, 24 October 1903, Page 68

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

HIS ANSWER. “Bo you ever gamble?” she asked, as they sat together, her hand held in his. He replied: .“No; but if I wanted to now would be my time.” “How so?” “Because I hold a beautiful hand.” The engagement is announced. MUTUAL OBLIGATION. Mr Jackson: “Can I have your daughter?” Mr Johnson: “Can you lend me £5?” Mr Jackson: “Yes.” Mr Johnson: “Yes.” POOR DOG! Philanthropic Old Lady (to little boy caressing dog): That’s right, little boy. always be kind to animals- Little Boy: Yes. ’m. I’ll have this tin can tied to his tail soon’s I’ve got him quiet. TOO LATE! Edith —No, Herbert. I can never be your wife, but I will be Herbert—Don’t say a sister to me. So many girls have said that. Edith—l wasn’t going to say that. I was going to say that I shall be delighted to be your avint. I accepted your Uncle George last night.

TWINS. A small boy of my acquaintance was greatly pleased at being told that his grandmother was coming to see him, as it was his birthday. After having given the child a present, she said to him: “Do you know, Cecil, that it is also my birthday to-day?” “Oh, granny!” exclaimed the boy. “then we are twins!” And nothing would persuade him to the contrary. SERIOUS. “Faith.” said the Irish policeman, examining a broken window, “this is more sayrious thin Oi thought it was! It’s broke on both soides!” THE REASON. “If I stand on my head, the blood all rushes to my head, doesn’t it?” No one ventured to contradict him. “Now,” he continued, triumphantly, “when I stand on my feet, why doesn’t the blood all rush into my feet?” “Because,” replied Hostetter McGinnis, “your feet are not empty.” SHE KNEW. Father (left in charge): “No, you cannot have any more cake. (Very seriously ): “Do you know -what I shall have to do if you go on making that dreadful noise?” Little Girl (sobbing): “Yes.” Father: “Well, what is that?” Little Girl: “Give me some more cake!” And she was quite right. A MEAN TRICK. Mrs Gabbie: “No, indeed, I won’t have that woman doctor any more!” Mrs Ascum: “Why, I thought you liked her.” Mrs Gabbie: “Oh, she got to be hateful. She used to keep the thermometer in my mouth nearly all the time, so that I couldn’t say a word while she monopolised the conversation.”

A MODERN VERSION. Cinderella was weeping bitterly. “Never mind,” said the fairy, with a wave of her hand, “I will make you a twentieth century cook.” Hereupon her sisters hastily returned from the ball, and begged her to take eight nights out every week.

THE REFINING FINE. Millie: “Gracious! The last time I saw him he was the most opinionated fellow in town. How he has changed!” Fred: “Oh! didn’t you know he was recently married?”

WANTED OIL. A three-year-old miss, while her mother was trying to get her to sleep, became interested in a peculiar noise and asked what it was. “A cricket, dear,” replied her mother. “Well,” remarked the little lady, “he ought to get himself oiled.” WHAT’S IN A NAME? “I hear that young Briefless is about to marry the daughter of old Bonds, the millionaire.” “Yes; so I am told.” “Will he give up the law business?” “Oh. yes, he will give up the law business and go into ths son-in-law business.”

IRRITATED HIM. One time an irascible chauffeur ■Who bumped a poor man cried, “You lauffeur! You not only jumped Before you were bumped, But what did you yell, ‘Let me gau!’ ffeur?”

BEST MOON. He: “Could anything be more delightful than the harvest moon?” She: “I may be wanting in artistic appreciation, but the honeymoon has always been my ideal.”

HIS LIFE WORK. Doctor: “I have spent four years at the medical school, only to discover that 1 know nothing about medicine?” Friend: “And now?” “I shall have to devote the rest of my life to concealing my ignorance from the public.” MIXED? A son of Erin entered a restaurant with pomposity evident, and seating himself at a table gave his order peremptorily, as follows: “Here yez, Waythur, I want wan o’ thim Humbug steaks, an’ Oi’ll hov it immejetly.” He got it.

A BEGGAR TO BE PITIED. Scene—A lonely spot on a dark night. “Would the gentleman be so kind as to assist a poor man? Besides this revolver 1 have nothing in this wide world! ”

A SLOW LIAR. Jones: I don’t think Wilson would hesitate in telling a lie. Brown: Yes, he " 7 ould. Jones: What makes you think so? Brown: He has to. He stutters. MUST HAVE BEEN PLAIN. Lady Customer: “Have you ‘KL. q me by Moonlight’?” Assistant: “No, I haven’t, madam, or by daylight, or any other kind of lig: t, and don’t want to!”

DEDUCTION. A girl knows she is looking her best when none of the other girls tell h r so.

ONLY ONCE. She (coquetishly): Did you ever hold a hand that you liked to hold better than mine? He: Only once, darling. Then I went Nap.

AN EXPEDIENT. Lady Visitor (to little girl): Whit became of the little kitten you had hr re < nice ? Little Girl: Why, haven’t you heard? “No. Was it drowned?” “No!” “Lost?” “No!” “ Poisoned?” “No!” “Then, whatever became of it?” “It growed up to a cat.”

A CHANGE! The second course of the table d’hote was being served. “What is this leathery stuff?” demanded the corpulent diner. “That, sir. is fillet of sole.” replied the waiter. “Take it away.” said the corpulent diner, “and see if you can’t get me a nice, tend”- piece of the upper, with the buttons removed.” ALAS! THOSE ADVERTISEMENTS. Church: What is the stuff that heroes are made of? Gotham: Well, if we can believe the advertisements, it is some of those new breakfast foods. THE HONEYMOON. She: What are you thinking of dear? He: The dearest person on earth. She: You conceited old thing. Lives of fishermen remind us We may strive for pHzes grand: And. departing, leave behind us Tales of fish we failed to land. A man who made photos in platinum, Sat down on some fresh prints to flatinum; But a pin in the chair Made him leap up and swair Now he wishes he never had satinum.