The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXXI, Issue XVI, 17 October 1903, Page 68

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

SOLD. “I am sorry. George, that papa has refused you; but you must ask him again. I know he has a soul.” “Do you think so, darling?” “Oh! I know it.” “Well, then, you must have seen him bid me good-evening last night. Yes. indeed, love, your father has a sole—and a thick one.” THE RETORT COURTEOUS. Mistress (angrily): “Bridget. I find that you wore one of my evening gown* at the ’bus-drivers’ ball last evening. It’s the worst piece of impudence I ever heard of. You ought to be asham ♦al of yourself.’ Bridget imeekly): “Di wus. muni: Oi wus and me young man said as if (>i ivir wore sich a frock in public agin lit ’<l break our engagemint.” HIS HEART WHERE HIS EEET OUGHT TO BE. A gentleman was accosted by a poor fellow. and. in response to his appeal, gave him some silver, telling aim to buy a new pair of boots with it. The man looked at his dilapidated foot-gear, ami rt plied: “Aye. sir. they’re an old pair, but I assure you. sir they cover a warm TEX DOLLARS WORTH. I'he son wrote home from college as follows: —“Dear Dad.—l expect to graduate this month, and will need a hundred dollars immediately. Send cheque at once.” The old man replied:—“Dear John. — Times is too tight. I send you a postoffice order for ten dollars. Jest graduate ten dollars’ worth an’ come home an’ go to ploughin’.” WHAT DID SHE MEAN? Mrs Prairyavnoo: “GwerdoJen. that young Mr Wobbyshavnoo is too fresh and too presumptuous. We shall have to sit down on him.” Gwendolen (sweetly) : “Let me alone for that, mamma. I’ll attend to it the next time he comes.” Mamma looks suspiciously at da ugh ter. but says nothing. NO NEED! Solicitor: “You want to be made bankrupt, do you? Very well. I’ll put it through for you. Just give me a cheque for £2O on account of prelimin ary exjivnses.” Client: “B-but I haven’t got an\ money at all.” Solicitor: “Then why the dickens do you come to me? Hang it all. man. you are bankrupt!” SHff POINTED IT OUT. Together they were looking over the paper. “Oh my! how funny’” said she. “What is it?” he asked. | “Why. here’s an advertisement that says. ‘No reasonable offer refused-’ ” “What’s so odd about that?” “Nothing! nothing!” she replied, trying to blush, “only those are exactly my sentiments.” If that young man had not taken the hint and proposed then and there she would have hated him.

THE PAST. Jack: Miss Elderleigh has half a mil lion in her own right. I’d propose tc 1 her were it not for her past. Tom: M hy. I always considered her above re>proaeh. Jack: So she is; but her past has been too long drawn out.

GOOD APPETITES. y hatever are you young scamps doing—mischief, I suppose ?” \o. mother, were only writing out a menu for our supper, ’cos cook never gives us what we like.”

“ Your daughter, madame, is a born princess.” American Mother : “ Yes. We inherited our wealth.”

TOO SUGGESTIVE. Mr Bones:What sort of trimmings will you ’are on the coffin, mum? The Relict: Good gracious, none. Why, ’e died of ’em! Mr B.: What do you mean, mum? The R.: Why delirium trimmuns, of course!

VERY LAZY. “Dawson declares that if he marries at all he will wed a widow.” “Yes, that is like him. He is too lazy to do anv of the courting himself.” THE RUDE THING. Young Lady District Visitor (to mother of family): “I hear your third son is married ?” Mother of Family: “Yes, miss, our sons marries off. but our daughters is left hanging on our hands. I expect your mother finds it the same, miss.” THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH. Doctor: My poor fellow, it is my painful duty to tell you that there is no hope. Burglar: Well, then, give me a bunch of skillington keys in one ’and and a erowbar in the other, and let me die appy. A NEFARIOUS SCHEME UPSET. First Little Wife: Going to have a new tea-gown? Second Little Wife: Rather! Henry hired a burglar to come and pretend to rob us, so that he would have an excuse for not buying me one, but I heard of it. and bribed the burglar to let me scare him away with a gun; so it worked beautifully, and Henry had to promise me the dress as a reward for my heroic conduct. MEN’S WAY. Miss New Woman: I don’t ask any special privileges, Mr Crump. What I do ask is that you, for instance, a man, should treat me exactly as you would another man. Instead of talking small talk and treating me like a thing to be protected, and all that, assume towards me the attitude you do to Mr Warrington. Treat me like a good fellow. Mr Crump (quickly): Why, certainly, old chap. Lend me a fiver, will you? ALWAYS ON HAND. He had just returned from the city and he was strangely uncommunicative concerning his adventures. “Did you buy anything while you were gone, Hiram?” she asked. “Yep,” he answered, shortly- “Pay much for it?” she persisted, for she rather expected the material for a new gown. “Yep.’ “What was it?” “Experience.” “I thought you loaded up with that last time,” she said, bitterly. “Well, this was another kind,” he explained. WATCH THE OPPORTUNITY. “A little more animation, my dear,” whispered a fashionable mother to a daughter, who was walking languidly through a quadrille. “Let me manage my own business, mamma,” said the latter; “I shall not dance my ringlet out of curl for a married man.” “Of course not. my love, but I was not aware who your partner was,” replied the mother. MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE. An old Highlander, rather fond of his glass, was ordered by the doctor, during a temporary ailment, not to exceed one ounce of spirits in a day. The old man was a little dubious about the amount, and asked his boy, who was at school, how much an ounce was. “An ounce?—l6 drachms, loz.” “Sixteen drachms!” exclaimed the delighted Highlander. “Gaw! no so bad! Sixteen drachms! Run and tell Tonal Maetavish and Big John to come doon the nicht.” HOW TO PROVE HIS DEVOTION. After he had proposed and been rejected He said—Then life has no further charm; I shall kill myself. Siie—By poison? 11 e—Pr obably. Bhe—Well, you’ll excuse my mentioning it, but brother Jack has just opened a chemist’s shop, you know, and would you mind buying the poison of him? It would encourage poor Jack, and prove your devotion to me. He still lives.