The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXX, Issue XXIII, 6 June 1903, Page 1624

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

NOT VERY SUBSTANTIAL. Mr. Newedd—How is that, my love? Nothing in the house to eat? I give you money this morning. Mrs. Newedd—Yes, I know; but I ran against the most exquisitely charming dinner-gong—awfully fashionable, you know —and I couldn’t resist the temptat ion to buy it. “But what shall we do for dinner?” “We can listen to the gong.” NOT DIFFICULT, PERHAPS. “Deal; boy, is it true that you have discharged your valet ?” “Ya-as, the doosid scoundrel was too dein’d fresh! When 1 took him out with me he managed to make people think he was the mastah and I was the man, baw Jove!” WHY SHE WORRIED. Cordelia—l am always worried when 1 am - buying new clothes. ( ornelia—Why? Cordelia—Oh, I can't decide whether to look stylish and be uncomfortable, or to be comfortable and look a fright. ASKED AND GRANTED. “May I have the pleasure of seeing you home?” he bashfully asked. “Certainly,” she graciously replied; “there is a high hill just in front of the house; or, if you prefer it, you can climb a big tree in the cow lot. Go anywhere where you can get a good view!’ ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT. “You seem in a hurry to marry Wil lie.” “Yes: I’m afraid he’ll change his mind.” “Well, dear, I shouldn't have the slightest objection to that if I were going to marry him.” ALL THE DIFFERENCE. Him: "I believe your hush nd was a very rich man?” Her: “Ob, yes; an exceedingly rich man. but a very poor husband.” WHY THEY GO. The “Why Don’t Men Go to Church” controversy shows no abatement. The opposite question, “Why Do Women Go to Church,” was discussed years ago in the London “Daily Telegraph,” and one correspondent put his views tersely:— “Attend your church the parson cries; To church each fair one goes; The old go there to close their eyes; The young to eye their clothes.” WHY! ‘I suppose you call your new automobile ‘The Scarlet Killer,’ or ‘The SkyBlue Demon,’ or some such foolish name?” “No; I’ve named it ‘Disparage.’” “Why?” “It’s always running people down.” NEATLY TURNED. The judge was being shaved, and the barber, whose hand was unsteady from drink, cut him four or five times. Re-

k garding gravely in the mirror his coun- ■ tenanee bleeding from all those cuts, the I j dge said: “Friend, you now perceive, I

trust, the evil effects of intemperance.” “Intemperance does make the skin rather tender, sir,” was the reply.

QUESTION. “The widower is very attentive to her.” “Yes. I wonder if he’ll have cheek enough to tell her she is the only girl . he ever loved?”

SUBTLE. Husband —There was a perfectly lovely woman in the theatre to-night, my dear. I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. Wife—lndeed! How kind of you to tell me.’ Husband—Keep calm, my love, keep calm—it was yourself.

WELL ANSWERED. Sunday-school Teacher (to sm ill pupil): “Yes, Faith and Hope are eor rect; but what else is necessary to our happiness ?” Small Pupil (promptly): “’Usbands. Miss.” THE STORY OF HIS GREAT SIN. Pluffers bounced into the club, jammed his hat down on a table with a fierce, resounding bang, and flung himself into an easy chair. “What’s wrong to-day, Bluffers, you look bad?” “I’ll never forgive myself. I kicked a man out of my house last night.” “Huh! I’ve kicked out many a one. Young fellows, I suppose?” “No; past middle age.” “Well, the old codgers have no business to be coming around courting young girls. I kicked out one of that sort last week.” “Yes, but I’ve found out this man wasn’t courting my daughter. He was after my mother-in-law!” MIS CALLING THINGS. Casey,: “There’s tbrouble over at Clancy’s.” Costigan: “Phwat is ut?” Casey: “A family foight.” Costigan: “Shure, thot’s not throuble; that’s enjyement.” JUST THE SAME. Patient: “Although, doctor, I have sent for you at the earnest solicitation of my friends, and to please them, let me tell you that I have not the least faith in modern medical science.” Physic'an: “Oh, that doesn’t matter at all, I assure you. The mule has no faith in the veterinary, yet the latter cures him just the same.” SHE KNEW THE SIGNS. Ethel: “Oh, Aggie, so glad to see you! (They kiss.) Why, you are engaged to be married!” Aggie: “How do you know?” Ethel: “I can tell by the genuine, earnest way you kiss.” SHE DECLINED IT. Angry Papa: “Clara, did you throw a kiss to that young man?” “I did, pa.” ‘Well, how dare ” “Oh, the fellow threw it at me, and I just threw it back. You wouldn’t have me keep it, would you?” THEY SMELT IT. Teacher: “Sammy, can you tell me how iron was discovered?” Sammy: Yes. I heard father say the other day they smelt it.” NOT THE FIRST. The Fiancee: “No, I didn’t accept Jack the first time he proposed.” Miss Wryvell: “How could you? You weren’t there.” HE COULDN’T SHOUT. Gayboy: “Have a drink with me?” Hardhead: "Certainly! Here’s to you! I belong to the Anti-Treating League, and have promised not to treat, but there is nothing in the rules about accepting treats. Fire away, old boy! You pay, and I’ll drink.” AS ADVISED. “Hurry, doctor, hurry!” shouted the agonised parent, rushing into the consulting room of the physician. “My little boy has swallowed a toy musical ■ box.” Even in the excitement of his first patient the young doctor did not forget the advice he received, on passing his examinations, to be cheerful and jocular in the face of sickness, and he smiled, as he grasped his instrument case: "Ah!” said he, "I thought there was music in the heir this morning.” SUMMED UP. Exchange Arithmetic: Ten mills make one trust. Ten trusts make one combine. Ten combines make one merger. Ten mergers make one magnate. One magnates makes all. the money.