The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXX, Issue XI, 14 March 1903, Page 768

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

GOOD LAD!

"I ’ear as yon ’ad a fight with Bob smith.” "Yes.” "What was it all about?” "Well, ’e said as my sister was crosseyed.” ‘‘Why. you ’aren’t got a sister.” "No, but it was the principle of the thing I went for.”

WHAT THEY MIGHT THINK.

lie: If 1 should fall out of the train what would you do? She: Jump out after you. He: How sweet of you. She: Not at all; otherwise they might think I had pushed you out.

THE TELEPHONE AGAIN.

A lady one day called up her husband at his office to say that the Smiths had just telephoned asking them to dinner. "Is it worth while?” she inquired of her spouse. “Yes. it’s quite worth while,” came back the unexpected answer from her would-be hostess, who had not been "cut off.” KOT ALWAYS SO. A. A man never steals anything but he lives to regret it. B. : You're wrong there, my boy. Didn’t you ever steal a kiss from your girl in your young days? A.: Yes. my boy, I did, but didn’t i marry the girl?

HE KNEW.

"Who is the smartest boy in your class. Bobbie?” asked his uncle. “I’d like to tell you.’’ answered Bobbie, modestly. “only papa says 1 must not boast!”

RIGHT AGAIN.

"What do you think of married life?” asked the henpecked man. addressing the youthful bridegroom. “Bliss is no name for it.” said the young husband, enthusiastically. “You are right,” said the henpecked man. gloomily—“bliss is no name for it.”

WHY AND WHEREFORE.

Mrs Breezy (with hammer): There. I’ve bit the nail on the head at last. Mr Breezy: Why do you put your finger in your mouth? Mrs Breezy: That was the nail I hit.

NOT HIS FAULT HE WAS THERE.

The Vicar’s Daughter: Papa was very shocked. Giles to see you standing outside the Green Man this morning after church. The Village Reprobate: Oi ran ’sure ye. miss, it was na fault o’ mine that I was standin’ ootside!

AERY TOUGH.

Lady (who is entertaining her little son's playmate, aged five, to dinner): Willie, can you cut your own meat? Willie (who is struggling with a piece on his plate): Yes. thank you (with a desperate saw at the beef). I’ve cut twice as tough meat as this at home.

MAKE THE BEST OF EVERYTHING.

"Oh. dear, such weather!” exclaimed Gazzani. as he gazed at the perennial rain. "You ought to be thankful that we have any weather at all,” replied Mrs Gazzani. who had been taught to look at the bright side of everything.

WRONG DIAGNOSIS.

"The trouble with you,” the doctor said after examining the young man, “seems to be that something is the matter with your heart.” “With my heart?” "Yes. To give it a name, it is angina pectoris.” "You’ll have to guess again, doctor,” said the young man. “That isn’t her name at all.”

Little Johnny, who has been smoking. hears his father coming. Where is he?

WHAT IT LACKED.

Visitor (at artist’s studio) —Yes, it’s rather a striking picture, but it seems to lack local colour.

Artist—Local colour? Why, man, it’s a painting of a rainbow.

Visitor —That’s why I say it wants local colour. It’s not like any rainbow I’ve ever seen in this neighbourhood.

CEREBRATION.

She—Why does that piano sound first high and then low when Miss Wilson plays it ? He—Well, you see, she is learning to ride a bicycle, and uses both pedals from force of habit.

DISCRETION THE BETTER PART.

Irate Parent (to frightened youth who has stolen cautiously into the house) — Here, you! didn’t I tell you not to show yourself inside again till tea-time? Ont side you go, and Small Roy (sullenly)—Ugh! I’m not going out there, see! There’s a bloke coming down the street that I’m going to give a hiding to.

A LAW-ABIDING CITIZEN.

Some days ago a man walked into an Irish Police Court, and asked to be fined. Magistrate—What’s the matter, Downey, that you want me to fine you? Downey—Oi met some ave me friends and took a dhrop too much. Half-a-erown ’ill square the damage in brakin’ the law. Magistrate—Under the circumstances, you may go free. Downey (turning away disappointed) —lt’s all roight whin yez say it, sorr, but Oi’m prepared to pay all the same.

HIS VERSION.

The other day a small boy, whose father drives a motor car, was overheard by his mother solemnly reciting: Stinkle, stinkle, little ear, How I wonder if you are Always bound to smell so high, Like an oil-can in a stv.

Ella—Mother doesn’t want me to marry. Stella—Does she say so? “No: but she tells everybody that at my age she looked just as I do now.”

TWO KINDS OF ENJOYMENT.

Father—What is the use of my earning money, if you spend it as fast as I make it ? Son—That’s all right, father. I enjoy spending it just as much as you do making it.

SHE WAS SURPRISED.

Hostess (to gentleman her husband has brought home to dinner) —How well you speak English. Mr. ! Mr. (not understanding)—Yes, I ought to. Hostess—But you speak remarkably well. Mr. : I ought. I have lived here all my life. In fact, I was born in London. Hostess—Why. how strange! I am Sure my husband told me that you were a Bohemian.

FIRST GOLF WIDOW.

Columbus had just been cast into chains when a dozen of her best friends called to condole with his wife. “How shocking!” they murmured. “Oh. I don’t know.” she replied, airily, “while Christopher is on the links I shall be the first golf widow.” Discomfited. they withdrew, and hastened to get into style.

PAPA HEARD OF IT.

Auntie: But don’t you know, Tommy it is very rude to draw caricatures of your aunt? Tommy: But it isn’t a caricature, it’s a real portrait—just like you. Papa says so.

HIS STRONG POINT.

The New Special: Tell me. candidly, is there anything original in that manuscript ? The Editor: Yes; the spelling.

WANTED IT NOISY.

Tradesman (to old gentleman, who has purchased lawn mower) —Yes, sir, I’ll oil it. and send it over imm ’’

Customer (imperatively)—No, no, no! —it mustn’t be oiled! I won’t have it oiled! Mind that! I want noise! And, look here—pick me out a nice rusty one. My neighbour’s children hoot and yell till ten o’clock every night, so” —(viciously) —I mean to eut my grass from four till six every morning.”

A QUESTION OF ECONOMY.

"Laura,” said the young lady’s mother, not unkindly, “it seems to me that you had the gas turned rather low last evening.” “It was solely for economy, mamma,” the maiden answered. “It’s no use trying to beat the gas company, my daughter. I have noticed that the shutting off of the gas is always followed by a corresponding increase of pressure.” “Well, that lessens the waist, doesn’t it. mamma dear?” replied the artless girl. And her fond parent could find no more to say.

TRAMP REASONS.

(twner of Property (sternly, to tramp reclining on a mossy bank): Don’t you see that notice —“Tresspassers will be prosecuted?” Tramp (calmly): No. I don’t see it. fer I can’t read. Owner of Property: Well, you know what it is now. so go! Tramp: Hexcuse me. mister, but I don’t know wot it is. I’ve only got y< ur bare word fer it, and you’re a puffect stranger to me. Fer what I know to the contrary, the notice may be "Milk sold ’ere.” or “Cherries tuppence a pound,” or “Welkim. weary wanderer!” Don’t you lay your hands on me. mister, or I shall ’ave to see whether my stick is really good old oak or only a sugaT stick!

HE HAD BEEN THERE-

“When 1 came to this town 18 years ago.” said the leading citizen.. “I had only eighteenpence in my pockets.” “However.” the cynic kindly added, “there were other pockets.”

ABOUT EQUAL.

“You’re an astronomer, are you?” “Yes.” “I’m a theatrical manager. I wonder if you have as hard a time finding new stars as I have?”

A TENDER CONSCIENCE.

First Tramp: “Look. Tom. this is the minister’s house: the window’s open, an’ all the folks are at ehureh. an’ they don’t keep no dorg. so that we couldn’t have a softer snap.” Second Tramp (with suppressed emotion): “The minister’s house, do you say? Ah. Bill. I have been .a bold bad man. but I have never yet robbed the clergy. Thev are a hard-workin’ lot. an’ their pay is small; besides, some of the tenderest recollections of an innercent bovhood is coupled with mv Sundav-school (wipes away a ’ear). But. Bill, you haven’t got the same feelin' in the matter I has: an’ if ye’ve made up yer mind to enter the place, why. I’ll stay outside an’ keep watch, an’ I’ll give a whistle if I «ee anyone cornin’.”