After Dinner Gossip.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXIX, Issue I, 5 July 1902, Page 12

After Dinner Gossip.

A P«pH*mant*ry Story .-'The “Saturday Review” tells a goad Story of the days when Lord Randolph Churchill was leader of the Conservative Party in the House of Commons. Lord Randolph wished a debate in the House to come to a speedy end. -*A Whip brought the bad news that Sir Richard Temple had a long speech in his pocket, and felt he simply must speak it. All remonstrance was vain. The Empire’s interests demanded that the speech should be made. The Whip failing, Lord Randolph tried the bludgeon. Turning in his seat just when the obstinate orator was preparing to rise and catch the Speaker’s eye, Lord Randolph said, with savage emphasis, and in tones that could be heard distinctly by the ouender and those who sat near, “What’s the good of my trying to lead this House if every damned fool on my own side thinks he ought to make a speech?” And the speech was never spoken. ■ J ’ * + + The Increasing Cost of Battleships. Twenty years ago a battleship cost about £500,000 sterling, but owing chiefly to cemented plates displacing the old wrought-iron armour and the increased effectiveness of the guns, that figure has been more than doubled. Three new ones are now being built for the Admiralty—the Commonwealth. King Edward All., and Dominion —each of which will cost about £ 1.300,000.

“Punch” Proprietor Interviewed. Mr W. 11. Bradbury, one of the proprietors of London “Punch, in the course of an. interview at Adelaide yesterday, had something to say about literary leaders. He considers that there is not a living master of fiction who is the peer of Dickens, George Meredith’s, he says, "is probably the greatest name of the present day in prose literature, though, perhaps, not the most popular. Hall Caine's works were selling in vast numbers, but could not be regarded as filling the large sphere Dickens made his own. Th- same applied to poetry. Tennyson and Browning had left no successor of equal genius. The days of epics and long poems had passed, but there w<ts a geat orpening for men who could write good lyrics, ballads and short poems. He was not familiar with many Australian poets, but of the works he had read he regarded Gordon’s as the best. Speaking of cartoons in Australia, he incidentally remarked that Australian polities were a strange mixture. “You have,’’ he said. “ a Parliament for each State, and then a Federal Parliament.” He paid a high tribute to tl:a»genius of Phil May. and was enthusiastic in his praise of Du Maurier, whose place he had been unable to completely fill. Mr Bradbury says he regards Ada Crossley as among the most promising of Australian singers. He intends to visit Melbourne and Sydney, and will return via Canada. •I * -F Dinner a la Slot.

“Drop your money in the slot and get a meal" will be the rule at a new restaurant to be soon opened in Chestnut-street (says the “Philadelphia Review") by a well-known firm. Against the main wall of the restaurant will be built an immense automatic machine, out of' which, wlFen the money is dropped in the proper slot, will issue sandwiches, steaming cups of coffee, oyster pies, cakes or anything on the average lunch counter bill of fare. This machine will be ninety-two feet long against one wall and forty-two feet long against the other. Built of mahogany, marble, glass, the intending purchaser must visit one of its compartments and drop in his coin. If the coin be bad the machine will promptly spit it out. But if the machine finds the money satisfactory the food or drink desired will issue

forth on a tray, all ready to be eaten. Hot food will come out just off the fire, and cold articles just off the iee. In this novel restaurant the diner’s cars will not ache from the strident calling. He will go quietly to the machine, which will look like an unusually large sideboard with no counter in front of it, get his food and take it- to the table where he desires to sit and eat. The only waiters in sight will be noiseless ones, whose duties will be to clear away the debris after the patrons of the place have finished their eating. The machine will cost about £6OOO. Just 104 different varieties of food and drink will be vended by it, so that there can be no complaint of a lack of things to choose from. On the other side the machines are built to provide beer, ale and spirits, some of them even having champagne to sell. A stock company has been formed to sell the machines. •I- -F Ping-Pons Balls a British Secret. One British trade secret has remained undiscovered by the .Americans, viz., how to produce xylonite table tennis balls, absolutely round. The British maker holds this secretvery tight, an ft as a result exports gigantic quantities of the balls to the United States, where the game is in the full height of popular favour. The demand is such that no balls are kept in stock, every day the output of about 300 gross being sent direct from the'factory. A week's output represents over £ 1000. Since the game was invented some 5.000.D00 balls have been turned out in London. 4- *v T Not Born Yet. A gentleman walking down a street observed a little boy seated on a doorstep. Going up to him he said. "Wei!, my little chap, how is it you are sitting outside on the doorstep when 1 see through the window all the oflier young folks inside' playing games and having a good time? Why aren’t you inside joining in the fun?" “I guess, stranger, that I’m in this game,” replied the boy. "But how can that be, when you are out on the doorstep and the others are all inside?” “Oh. I'm in this show right enough. You see, we're playing at being married. I'm the baby, and I ain't born yet!” <• 4 +

Not Real Soldiers. The Boer is not without a gentle wit. Here is one of his flashes of humour. A little son of a Boer looked upon his father's prisoners as something to play with, and on a British soldier being removed to another place the little fellow began to cry. whereupon his father promised to catch some more to-morrow, which he did. “Now, sonny, here are the soldiers I promised you.” The little fellow looked over them carefully. Then his lower lip began to pout, and tears rolled down his cheek.

"What’s the matter, my son?” asked the astonished father, “doesn't he like his khakees?” "No. daddy,” replied the little chap, striving with his tears. “Why not, my lad?” Then the child's restraint gave way, and he burst out: “Oh, daddy, they’re not—(sob) —real—(sob) —soldiers at all!” Thev were two of the C.I.V.

When Astor Went Down John Jacob Astor was asked one day what was the largest amount of money he had ever made in one transaction. This he declined to answer, but said that he would tell the largest sum that he failed to make. With De Witt Clinton and Gouverneur Morris, he said, he had planned to buy Lousiana from France and to sell it to the United States Government, retaining the public domain and charging 24 per cent, commission. They changed their minds, and Mr Astor said that he lost thirty millions of dollars by failing to go into the deal. — —

A Olrl with Two Swootheorte. The “Slate” publishes the following Curious letter recently received by a country J.B.:—Dear Sir, —I want you to tell me if Arry can make me marry im, Georg come up this mornin and they had er fite, and arry got the best of im, and did not think they wos in ernust when they started and will you kindle tell wot i can do as soon as posible Arry says i am too marry im—i never give im no encoragment whatevere nor maid im eny promices, Arry has treatned to shute’ Georg if he comes ere i told im e cude do the same to me as he done to Georg, pleas let me no as soon as posible as e is going inter - - on saterday to by the rings and I am terible worreyed. and I donot want im at no price. Arry seys you carnt do nothink if you are a J.P., but you jest show im what you can do for me—he dont know nothink abote the lor, e thinks i am fritened of im now sins e give Georg the hamerin. whativere he does to Georg he can do to me.—yours truely. + + ♦ Ths Blten Bit. "Does enybody vvanter buy a dorg?” That was the plaintive problem put a few nights ago by a certain smart “sport,” and immediately another smarty spoke up and said: “Wot’s he like? Wot’s his pedergree?” “Oh. he's a reg’lar ring-tailed roarer.” replied the First Sport: “none o' yer ’Soonah' slop at all. but a dorg as blue-blooded as th’ King himself.” “Well, if the price suits. I’ll take him," said the Second Sport; “I want a dorg to min-.l some prize poultry I'm rearin'." That was a lie that would have stiffened Ananias; the fellow had no poultry, and no need for a dog, but he really had a sixpence which was cleverly gilded over, and he thought he scented a chance to make it masquerade as half a sovereign. So he said: "If the pup’s wot you say. I’ll give you five bob for him." “Make it half a thick 'un and drinks round." said the dorg owner, “and he's yourn." "I'll go the coin, but not the grog." replied the other. •‘l'm a blue-ribbon man now: sworn ■ io put down th’ aceur-r-sed drink in every round." Which was true as regards putting it down his neck, but that’s all. The bargain was closed, but before the night was over the new owner of the dog began to suspect that he had been taken down at his own game. The party who sold the dog took the shiny “sprat” without even looking at it. stuck it in his pocket, and then took the dog to its new owner's residence. On arriving there he told the other fellow's wife that her husband had bought the pup for five bob, and wanted her to change half a sov., so that he could pay up. “I don’t know what he wants a dog for,” said the lady sharply; "he can’t keep himself too well just now," but she took the crook coin and handed over four half-crowns. When Mr .Smartman came home that night and heard what his superior half had done he swore a little softly, but when he saw the miserable, mangy, half-starved, wholly-useless dog he went out in the yard, threw up his hands, and implored high he'aven to spiflieate the other fellow by chain-lightning, and blow his ashes to the four corners or the earth, and clean over into the unwholesome and unpleasant world beyond. It's a poor thing to take down a bosom friend, but it's a stilj poorer thing to discover that you have been taken down yourseli during the course of the operation. ~ + + + Silk Hat Coincidence. There is something weird about a coincidence that was established in the Westminster County Court, just before the mail left. Captain Hampden Waller, a member of the King's Body Guard, and one of His Majesty’s messengers, sued Messrs. Hill and Son, hairdressers. Bond-street, for 23/6 —the price of a silk hat which he stated was removed from a peg while he was being shaved on February 17. In its place was another hat with the name of “Howe" inside. In cross-examination he admitted that he had attended a marriage recep* tion at Oxford on January 1, and on that apparently innocent fact the defence was based* '

Messrs. Hill stated that after February 17th a Mr Howe called, and was shown the hat, which he immediately claimed as his own. He had lost it at a wedding party on January 1, he being the bridegroom. The defence maintained that Captain Waller had taken the bridegroom’s hat and worn it until February 17 without noticing the fact. The Captain maintained, however, that he had entered the hairdresser’s •with hi’ own hat, and his Honor Judge Woodfall, after commenting on the extraordinary coincidence, gave judgment for the amount claimed, with costs, and refused leave to appeal. + + + Why is an Old Yarn a Cheetnut t According to Farmer's “Americanisms Old and New," the introduction of the word “chestnut” in its slang sense is to be attributed to the late Mr William Warren, a veteran comedian of Boston. In “The Broken Sword." a melodrama by William Dillon. there is a Munehausenesque character called Captain Xavier, who is constantly relating his exploits to the low comedian. Pablo- Says the captain: “I entered the woods of Colloway. when suddenly, from the thick boughs of a cork tree Pablo interrupts with the words: "A chestnut, captain —a chestnut. ‘‘Bah! ’ replies the captain; “Booby. I say a cork tree." "A chestnut,” reiterates Pablo. “I should know as well as you, having heard you tell toe tale these tyventv seven tunes! Warren, who had often played Pablo, was at a dinner party, when on? of the diners told a storv or doubtful age and originality. ' “A chestnut," murmured Warren, quoting from the play- "1 have heard you tell the tale these twentv-seven times. lire application of the lines pleased the rest of the table, and when the party broke up each helped to spread the story and Warren's commentary. -1- 4* F*

A Strange Friza Competition. The latest and most original addition to the crowds of prizes nowadays offered by newspaper proprietors (says a correspondent) has been exhibited during the Easter holidays in the streets of Paris. A Parisian journal has commissioned a very popular novelist to write a sensational romance, and every reader of the romance is tempted, by the chance of winning an “automobile with four seats." to make guesses at the fate of each of the eight leading characters in the story. Life size “portraits" of these persons are placarded about the streets; five are women and three are men. Under each portrait stands the name of the person, and a series of questions for the competitors to answer. For instance: “Catherine: Will Catherine marry?" If so whom will she marry?" Again, “Liane: Will her scheme to gain the Marquis be successful?” Next comes: “Germaine: Will she deceive her husband?” Then, “Marie: Will she marry or die before the end of the romance?” Lastly. "Zizi: How many men will she attract? Who will be her last lover?” These individual queries are followed by a group of general problems for solution. “Which of these five women will die of poison? Which of them will administer poison? To whom?” Each of the three masculine portraits is also underlined by one or more similarly ridiculous questions. No competitor - may send in any reply until a specified number of chapters of the novel has been published.