The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXVIII, Issue XXII, 31 May 1902, Page 1120

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

HE SHOWED PROPER SPIRIT. Mrs Stetson, wife of the operator at a little station in New Plymouth, was sick, and sttadily girowing' worse. At last she said to her husband: “Stet! That Dr ain’t helpin’ was sick, and steadily growing worse, every day.” “I know it, Alice! I know it! Don’t appear like he’s any good on earth.” “I tell you, Stet, I’m goin’ to die! 1 feel it in my bones!” “Wai. Alice” (with sudden earnestness and comfort), “if you do I’ll be blowed if ever I pay the doctor!” THE SEAT OF LEARNING. "1 don’t know what to do with Thickhead, Major,” said the despairing usher. “It is impossible to teach him anything. Knowledge seems to go in at one ear and out at the other.” “You have begun at the wrong end,” replied the headmaster- “With boys of that stamp the ear is not the proper inlet. Knowledge driven through an opposite extremity of the body is of a far more enduring dei eri pt ion.” The usher took the hint. Master Thickhead howled, but he re me inhered that lesson for some hours to come. AT THE CLUB. Atkins: That fellow Smithers who lives next door to me has more confounded cheek than any man I ever met - Brigg-: How's that?” \ t kins: Why, yesterday he came over to my place to borrow a gun. Said he wanted to shoot a cat.” B iggs: Where does the cheek Atkins: Why. it was my wife's eat be wanted to shoot!

Client: “But litigation isn’t always a mistake.” Candid Lawyer: “Always for one party; frequently for both.”

DOCTOR AND PATIENT. A college professor, feeling indisposed, consulted his physician, a German, very scientific, and acknowledged as one of the leading men in his line. The doctor advised the professor to work less at the desk, exercise more outdoors, and take beer as a tonic, something the professor had never cared for. The doctor met his patient a few days later as he was leaving the college, and stopped to inquire how he was feeling. “About the same,” replied the professor. “Did you take beer as I directed?” inquired the physician. “Yes,” replied the professor; “I took it a few times, but it became so nauseous that I had to discontinue it.” “How much did you take?” “Why, I bought a whole bottle, and took a spoonful before each meal,” answered the professor. AS TO DETAILS. “Young man,” said the girl’s father, “you have boasted several times that you possess an honoured name.” “Yes. sir,” replied the suitor haughtily. “Well, may I inquire what bank it will be honoured at, and for how much?”

Alice: “A Turkish woman doesn’t know her husband till after she’s married him.” Amy: “No woman does.” SMART SOCIETY. "What is your impression of modern society?” asked the old-time friend. “Well,” was the answer, “I wouldn't like to have you mention it to mother or the girls; but my impression is that society is a place where a man who has worked his way up in the world from nothing to a millionaire is likely to get sneered at because he can’t play ping-pong.” IN THE ORCHESTRA. Herr Meyer Lutz writes: 1 was once conducting in Bradford when I noticed that the clarionet player, a young man, but clever and steady lad, jumped a good deal during the progress of the opera. Then I found that his father, who played the trombone, sat just behind him, and every now and then he gave his son a kick, with the remark: “Look out, Sammy, there be a flat a-eummin’!”

QUESTION AND ANSWER. Why did the cro-cus? Because it saw the snow-drop. What two nations are chiefly spoken about at the present time? Vaeci-nation and Coro-nation.

Doctor (finding patient sampling a bottle of whisky): “Here, here, my man. that will never do! That’s the cause of all the trouble.” Facetious Patient: “Well, then, fill your glass, doctor. Now we’ve foun 1 the cause the sooner we get rid of it the better.” IT WENT OUT. “Keep your seats, pleas™, ladies and gentlemen.” said a theatrical manager; “there is no trouble whatever, but for some inexplicable reason the gas went out.” Then a boy shouted from the gallery: “Perhaps it didn’t like the play.” LORD METHUEN. “The Week-End” tells of an encounter between Lord Methuen and an Irish recruit. Paddy, unconscious of the identity of the officer, followed him pretty closely down a country lane near Aidershot, loitering when he loitered, hurrying when he quickened his steps. At last Methuen turned and said irritably: “Why are you dogging my steps? Be off.” “Share, yer honor, it’s no harm I was mailing,” said Paddy. “It’s a bit home-sick that I am, and it does me good to watch such a foine figure of a man.” PRESENCE OF MIND. A great public dinner was once given by the town of Boston to- one of its celebrities, Isaac Hill, and afterwards he was asked to sit for his portrait to Gilbert Stuart, the celebrated artist, who was a great braggart. When Hull visited his studio Stuart took great delight in entertaining him with anecdotes of his English success, stories of the Marquis of This and the Baroness of That, which showed how elegant was the society to which he had been accustomed. Unfortunately, in the midst of this grandiloquence, Airs Stuart, who did not know that a sitter was present, came in with her apron on and her head tied up with a handkerchief from the kitchen and asked, “Did you mean to have that leg of mutton boiled or roasted?” Stuart’s presence of mind, however, did not fail him. “Ask your mistress!” he replied sharply.

IN A LONDON FOG. Passers-by in the neighbourhood of St. Martin's Church were attracted on a recent night by a brilliant glare, which on eloser examination proved to emanate from a number of tanks in the courtyard of the church. An experiment was being made by the Westminster City Council with a lamp to be used in fogs. These lamps burn hydro-carbon oil, and each gives a white light of 3000 candle-power. The proposal is that whenever a fog comes the lamps are to be placed on light carts and deposited at intervals in all the main thoroughfares. The oil is forced by air pressure into the head of the lamp and is there volatilised. The flame produced is about two feet in height and of greenish intensity. A LIMIT. “Well, William,” said Mr Hardhead to his new confidential clerk, “you are in a first-class position now, at a good salary. I shall expect you to be faithful and diligent; in fact, to make all my interests your own. It won’t be necessary, however, for, you to make love to the typewriter. I’ll attend to her myself.” SLEEPERS AWAKE. A witty Scotch clergyman, having undertaken to preach for a friend in the North of England, was asked to choose the hymns before and after the sermon. His selection was as follows:—(Before—“Christians, seek not yet repose.” After —“Sleepers, wake, a voice is calling.” THE DECEPTIVE HAT. “Tell that, man to take off his hat in court,” said a judge the other morning to an officer. The offender who turned out to le a lady, wearing the fashionable sailor hat, indignantly exclaimed, “1 am no man, sir.” Then said his honour, “I am no judge.” HIS RIVAL. Miss Conyers: What are you going to sing at the concert to-night, MiBellows? Bellows: Oh, 1 shall sing “Ye Banks and Braes.” His Rival: Just the song for you, Bellows, old boy. You ought to bring out some first-class “brays.” THE CHIEF POINT. He: “The theatre was draughty, the music was poor, the acting utterly feeble, and there wasn’t a fresh idea in the whole piece. I reallyl can't see how you enjoyed it so much.” She: “Why, Fred, you are funny! What on earth did those silly things matter? Wasn’t my gown the most striking in the whole theatre?”

Mother: “Come, Willie, this is Miss D’Arcy, your new governess. Won’t you give her a kiss.” Willie: “N-no, ma; I'd rather not. Papa kissed her yesterday, and she slapped him.”