The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXVII, Issue VII, 17 August 1901, Page 336

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

MRS YOUNCiWIFE’S FIRST RABY Dr. Redlight: Why did you send for me, Mrs Y’oungwife? There is absolutely nothing wrong with the baby. Mrs Youngwife: Oh, I'm so glad, doctor. Dr. Redlight: lint what made you think he was ill? Mrs Youngwife: Why. he hasn't cried a bit all the night. OFTEN THE CASE. Day: A man's ability to save money depends largely on his marrying a woman who is an economist in dress. Weeks: That's true. The more economy the more cost. A TELEGRAM FROM HER SWEETHEART. Nell (excitedly): Here's a telegram from Jack Punter, of the Aaisity team. Hell: What's it say? Nell: It says. "Nose broken. How do you prefer it set —Greek or Roman ? THE ORIGINAL WAY. Little Mickey: Oi saw Hop Lung, the laundryman. radin' a Choinase book just now. Instid av doin' loike a whoite man. shore, he begins at the back an' rades upwards. McLubberty: Begorra! is the poor divi) lift handed or cross oyed or phwat? SWEETHEARTS. George: I see nothing but for us to elope. Do von think your father would forgive us? Ethel: I am sure he would George: How can you be sure? Ethel: I felt a little nervous on that score and —and 1 asked him. USUALLY. School Teacher: What is the future of "he drinks?" Bobbv: He is drunk.

Hipps : 1 do admire a num who says the right thing at the right time. Phipps .So do I particularly when Pin thirsty.

REASON ENOUGH. "Why did you break off yo.tr engagement with Jim?” asked Ne.lye of Mae. "He got to signing his love letters •Jyme,' replied Mae. IN THE DRAWING-ROOM. Big Sister: Dick. 1 think it's time little folks were in bed. Little Dick (on Mr Nieefellow’s knee): Oh, it’s all right. Mamma said 1 was to stay here until she came downstairs. FATHER AND SON. Father (who has helped his son with his home work): What did the teacher say when you showed him the sums? Johnny: He said 1 was getting more stupid every day. AN EASY QUESTION. Teacher: What kind of boys go to heaven? Sammy: Dead boys. AN UP-TO-DATE YOUNG MAN. "Dick proposed to me last night,” confessed Madge to Elizabeth. “Let me congratulate you. for of course you accepted him?" "No." “You didn't reject him?" "Yes." “How.did he take it?" “Oh. he was perfectly lovely about it, and I almost worship him for it. He said he knew the girls liked to have it to say that they have had a great many offers, and that he should not despair, but he hoped that when 1 had refused enough proposals to satisfy me I would intimate the fact to him in some way, and then he would propose again, and we could be married quietly and settle down. Do you think it would be forward in me to let him know that I have now refused all the offers T care to?” RURAL SIMPLICITY. “I don't like your milk.” said the mistress of the house. “What's wrong with it. mum?” “It's dreadfully thin, and there's no cream on it." “After you've lived in 'he city awhile, mum." said the milkman, encouragingly. "you'll get over them rooral ideas o' vourn.”

AT THE CHEMIST’S. An old woman having brought a prescription containing arsenic as one of the ingredients, observes the scrupulous accuracy with which the ehemisfl weighs the desired quantity and says, “Why. my dear sir. you needn’t be so very skinny particular. It's tor a poor orphan, you know.” IN A THIRD-CLASS RAILWAY CARRIAGE Positive Passenger (pointing to old gentleman who has just alighted whilst the train was in motion); See that? Might 'a 'urt ’isself. Comparative Passenger: 'Urt ’isself? Might 'a broke ’is neck. Superlative Passengei : Broke ’is r.tck? Might ’a killed ’isself! HUSBAND AND WIFE. Newly-married Husband (home late for the first time); 1 know I'm a little late. Alice, dear. You really shouldn't sit up and wait supper forme. darling. Newly-married Wife (with withering scorn): Supper, dearest; it's too late for supper. I've laid the breakfast table! ALMOST PARADISE. Mrs Cobwigger: How is the family in the next fiat? Mrs Hillaire: I couldn't ask for better neighbours. Their little boy is tongue-tied, and they use only noiseless rockers. HAD HIM THERE. His Lordship: What does counsel suppose I'm on the bench for? Counsel: Wei', my lord. I confess you have me there. THE IRISH OF IT. German Woman (calling her little child): Komm' hierher, mein kind. Irishman (passing by): Faith, how kin yez ixpict a little kid loike thot t’ understhand yez? Phy don't yez shpake; t’ him in English? A BIG ADVERTISEMENT. An enterprising patent medicine advertiser recently ornamented the walls of a graveyard outside Kimberley with the warning:—“If you want to keep out of here, use 'Drastic Dyspepsia Pills.' 2/9 per bottle. ! ! !

A WOMAN’S CURIOSITY. Claribel: Y’ou- tuld me you were never going to write to young Hankinson again. Adelina: He's sent me a dozen letters I haven't answered: but in his last one he left a page out. and I had to write and ask him what it was about.

Bilks : Doctor. I am getting too stout for comfort, and 1 want your advice. Doctor : Nothing reduces flesh like worry. Spend two hours a day thinking of the unpaid bill you owe me. PROPOSAL OF MARRIAGE. “It cannot be.” sighed the maid. “I respect you highly, Mr Hunniwell. but we are incompatible.” "Well. 1 suppose it cannut be helped." replied the young man. pocketing his chagrin and looking about for his hat. “But it defeats all my cherished hopes. I had planned a house in which I fondly imagined we might be happy. It was to have a drawingroom twice as large as the ordinary size, with a capacious wardrobe in every room in the house.” “Stay, Harry," she said, falteringly. “Perhaps I have been too hasty. Give me a day or two to think it over. It is not impossible that—that " And Harry stayed. A DEFINITION FROM EXPERIENCE. Master Bobby Henpeck: Papa, what is a bachelor? Papa Henpeck: A bachelor, my son, is a man to be envied: but don’t tell your mother I said so. THE FLOWERY WAY. Stubbs: Hello. Jack! why. what in the name of fortune have you been up to ? Aon look as if you'd been invalided home from South Africa! Staggs: Oh, my wife has been throwing flowers at me. Stubbs: But. Great Scott, man, flowers wouldn't cut you about like that! Staggs: Well, you see they were in pots.