The Marrying and the Married.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXVI, Issue XXIV, 15 June 1901, Page 1142

The Marrying and the Married.

The world has grown sick of married difficulties. It suffers from a sori of null de manage. It has little time and l<—> inclination for considering eieu the saddest case, ami to eX]>ect its sy m|sithv is worse than Useless. Troubles aie multiplied: the same mistakes are made, tor which there is no help so iong as human nature is .uitierteet and human judgment prone to err. People will marry, and they do "t mostly for the sake of happiness. They do not reflect that Nature and the State, whom they obey, are not concerned alsiut that element at all. Those two all-compelling forces demand progress, and everything else has to give way. "The pitifullest whipster must be happy, and most of us are apt to measure life by happiness or unhappiness, which is sad when we know that verv few marriages prove to be happy, and even the niosi buoyant optimist is bound to admit it. A tew of us are well matched. Some of Us "get along" very well, and many of ns are downright miserable. It is a fallen world. Isn't there always a "but or an "if" lurking behind the happiest ap|H-aralices? "You never can tell." If love were the only' ingredient of happiness! Hut it is not. And doesn't it seem ridiculous that it is the onlyreason given for so many marriages? The girl is charming, and he is the one man she can care for. So they marrv. to find that love is the only thing they have in common. What a strain 11; on that love! How tattered and torn and patched an<l discoloured it becomes in the struggle to hold together two natures pulling in opposite directions! All honour to the noble tvower of love that it so often 'oes hold true, in spite of desperate odds. A l..ving woman rinds heaven or hell The day she becomes a bride." It may not be always quite so sharply defined as that. It is more often a compromise where people where learn to tsar purgatory with fortitude. There are miseries which hardly- bear mentioning -miseries of positive wrong and cruelty and oppression, and terrible faults which make association one long nightmare. For these there is no remedy except the desperate one of cutting oneself away from a joint life and struggling along alone, however crippled and maimed. For such broken lives there is the blessed balm of work. It is not the happiest people who have done the best work, or conferred the greatest benefit ujH.n the world. Trouble and suffering bear strange fruits. Think of "Cranford"—that literary gem written to ease intense grief at the loss of a son. It is pitched in a low key. but there is no morbid thought, no desponding pessimism. And in Thackeray s works, shadowed by silent, abiding sorrow, there is the deepest tenderness for human nature, in spite of all the cynicism. The disappointed man has infinite resources. chiefly his daily work, which is so often the work of his deliberate

choice. It a woman has children to love and work for she has something to hold on to and believe in. and will not grow embittered. For those who have not there is nothing but work—anything or everything. so long as it is something which prevents fitting at home brooding over the irrejmiablv mistake. A great many of the couples we know are like left hand gloves, both being well made ami well titling, thoroughly good material, but. unfortunately, not a pair. It makes one long at times for fate to rearrange things and sort people better. Some would always be old. of course. Some of us are so peculiar our affinities must have lived in mediaeval times, while those of others have not yet been born. The question is: \\ hat is to be done when one finds that one has misled one’s affinity? It is of no use to go abou: the world moaning. •See what a mess I’ve made of it! ’ Remember that many hundreds of peopb? have made iu>t the same mistake Keep calm, make the lust of it. and don’t talk about it. We should nut know of half the matrimonial ur fitness if the ill-paired ones ihemselvt s did not tell us: and we don't want to know. But if they wifi open their cupboard doors and shout to us to conic ;.nd look at their skeletons \\e can’t resist indulging our ba>e vuri osity. To bear the permanent mistake in quiet dignitv shows great self-respect. Men are much more loyal than women in this matter. But it must be remembered that their temperaments are less emotional, and they have outsde distractions, which help to ease painful thoughts ami relieve tension. Speaking of it does m> good, however. For the once that you are tempted to confide in your truest friend there xvi 1 be a dozen times wlun you will be glad you did m t do so. You may think it will be a relief to speak: but if you do indulge in that relief you w ill find after your vain words have died away that you are in no better position than before. The of your marriage remain unaltered. \ ou have but lost in dignity and created a troubled, sad memory between yourself ami your friend. That is the one sorrow which cannot be halved by a friend. Hide it. ami don't spread the pain of it. O. W. Holmes says that to tell our secrets to peo| le is like giving them the key of our side door. At any moment they may break in upon our most sacred privacy, which is a second reason for silence. There is yet a third. How do you know that in your impulsive communication vou are just to another? The difficulty of your marriage may rest principally with you. You yourseir may be the stumbling block: you may not be suited to the life: you may not be unselfish enough, good nature,! enough. forgiving enough. Even the ill-matched with these qualities may manage not to make each other entirely miserable, although by reason of clashing tastes they cannot lie happy companions. They can always find something in common if thev trv.

slipposing they wisely reeognse the limitations of their syn>|Kithy and make way for each other franklv and generously. But they who always want to have their own way and are not prepared to grant that privilege to others will soon turn the most promising marriage into a failure. If yours has failed to be just the veritable Garden of Eden we all dream of and so few realise, make the very most of the good conditions which still remain, and don't allow one baffled emotion to spoil the whole of life. And don't imagine that if you had happened to marry someone else things would have been different. Human nature is the same, and the demands or married life are much the same too. “The flowers growing afar off are n~ better than those which grow at our feet. It is only children who wander oil. deceived by the distance which lend' enchantment. The little courtesy, the kindly act. the restrained impatience, the ready help, the gentle consideration, the sustained effort to please—all these ate the flowers which grow at your feet, waiting for you to gather them, that your home may be brighter and vour heart less tired. •‘PHOEBE WARDELL."