The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXVI, Issue XXI, 25 May 1901, Page 1004

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

A GOOD CHARACTER. “(an you give any evidence in regard to the character of the deceased?” said the judge. “Yes. my lord.” replied the witness. “He was a man without blame, Beloved by all men. pure in all his thoughts, and ” “Where did you learn that?” “I copied it from his tombstone my lord.” AT THE (.RWE SIDE. At a funeral the other day the clergyman was reading the burial service when he came to the words. “Our deceased brother or sister.” He turned to one of the mourners and asked whether it was a brother or The man replied. “No relation at all. sir. only an acquaintance.” GRATIFIED. “Ah. love. 1 would like to listen to you all night.” he said, as he arose to go. Six months after they were (married he chanced to stay out fifteen minutes after his usual hour of return. and he had his desire gratified. MADE NO DIFFERENCE. The Doctor Above all things, madam, your husband musn’t worry. Perhaps you’d better not show him my bill just now. “But I did. doctor, and it didn’t make any difference. He said he knew he couldn’t pay it. anyway.” BREAKING IT GENTLY. Foreman of Quarry Gang- It’s sad news Oi hev fur yez. Mrs. McGinty — y’r husband’s new watch is broken. It was a foine watch, ami it’s smashed to pieces. Mrs. McGinty—Dearie me. how did that happen? Foreman- Yer see, he had it in his pocket when a ten-ton rock fell on him.

A SIMPLE REMEDY. Author : I am troubled with insomnia. I lie awake at night hour after hour, thinking al>out my literary work. Friend: How very silly! Why don’t you get up and read some of it ?

EXPERIENCE. Prison Missionary—Don’t you think that after you regain your liberty you can do better? Burglar—-Well. I’ll know enough not to have another pal that’s so deaf he can’t hear a p’liceman till he’s right on us. TO PROVE IT. “What have von got in the cage. Bill?” “A young crow.’* “What’s that for?” “Well. 1 ’card tell as crows live for a ’undred years, and I’m goin’ to see.” TO THE POINT. Mr. Lurker— Excuse me. Miss Snapper. but 1 have long sought this opportunity to . Miss Snapper- Never mind the preamble. Mr. Lurker. Run along and ask pa. He’s been expecting this would come for the last two years. THE NEW WAY. Mr. Parakay—These two seats you gave me are in different rows, one behind the other. Ticket Seller—One seat is for a lady, is it not? Mr. Parakay—Yes. Ticket Seller—Well, that’s all right, then. You are expected to sit behind the lady, and if you bring one with a big hat it’s your own fault. 1 hat’s the way we sell ’em now.

She (sweetly) : What beautiful roses : so fresh. Is that dew on them ? He (haughtily) : There is nothing due on them. CLEAR. ( holly—What did she mean bv saving I couldn’t be any bigger donkev than I was? —I suppose she meant that you had your growth. LOVERS. Sue Deering—l’m afraid papa was angry when you asked him for me. wasn’t he. Jack, love? Jack Hillow—Not at all. He asked me if I knew any more respectable young men. who would be likely to marry your five sisters if properly coaxed. DOMESTIC CHRONOLOGY. Wife —I hat last set of china is the best we ever had. Husband—l m: it’s all gone, isn’t it ? Wife —Yes: but just think! It lasted four girls and a half. THEIR’S, NOT HIS. Counsel ( ross-examining Dutch Jew): You had a misfortune last Witness: \at vaah it? ( ounsel: Non had the misfortune to call your creditors together? Witness: D.it vashn’t my misfortune. Dat vash dare’s.

THE CONTINONG. Hostess —And I suppose you went up the Rhine? Mrs. Newwealth (who has been bothering' them with her travelling experiences—Oh. indeed, yes. and many other mountains. REALISTIC. Poet: I’ve called to see about the poem I left here last week. Editor: What was it? Poet: It was a realistic piece, entitled “The Gallant Fireman." Editor: I'm afraid it was too realistic. It probably went to the fire.

HER OWN FAULT. Mistress : Bridget. 1 don't like your having those men in the kitchen. They are all strangers to me. Bridget (pleasantly) : Stip inside, thin. muni, and Oi'll introjuice you. EXPRESSIVE. Old Gentleman (dictating indignant letter): Sir. my typewriter being a lady, cannot take down what 1 think of you. 1. being a gentleman, cannot think it: but you. being neither, can easily guess my thoughts. A JILTED LOVER. "But. Freddy. I don't see that you med be so broken-hearted because Mallei has jilted you." “It isn't the jilting I mind, but she returned the ring in a parcel marked •Glass with Care.' " TRI UMPH A N T FLAT TER Y. "So Dick and Daisy have made up! By George. After the way she talked about him. I never expected it. How did he pacify her? "He told her that he'd rather quarrel with her than kiss any other girl." THE SAVAGE BACHELOR. A cynical old bachelor says that the best way to propose to a girl is to make the proposal in writing, and then burn the letter. MRS. RILEY AND MRS. MURPHY. “Ahe yez on calling terms wid your neighbours?" asked Mrs. Riley of her friend. Mrs. Murphy. “Av coorse I am," replied Mrs. Murphy. “She called me a thafe, and I called her another.” AN UNFORTUNATE EXPLANATION*. Pastor: What did 1 say in my sermon yesterday that you objected to? Mr De Good: You surprise me, my dear sir. I did not object to anything. Pastor: But I heard you give a very audible snort at something I said. Mr De Good: Oh, no, indeed. That was only a snore.

AT THE CLUB, Mr Jinks: Your wife seems to be very |x>pular. I notice that a great number of ladies regularly call upon her. Mr Binks; Yes; you know she has a }>arrot, and she has trained it to say " henever a lady caller is ushered into the juirlour, "What a lovely hat!" AT THE FRONT DOOR. Visitor: Is your father at home? Little Daughter: What is your name, please? Visitor: Just tell him it is his old friend Bill Johnson. Little Daughter: Then he isn't in. I heard him tell mamma if any bills came he wasn't at home. TOAST AND SONG. Good luck to the Duke and Duchess of 'I ork. and Cornwall! Chorus, everybody. if you please. "Ophir the sea and far away.” AT THE VILLAGE POST OFFICE. Mrs Brown: Anything for me? Rural Postmaster: I don't see nothin'. Mrs Brown: I was expectin' a letter or postcard from Aunt Sally Spriggs tellin what day she was cornin’. Rural Postmaster (calling to his wife,: Did you see a postcard from Mrs Brown's Aunt Sally tellin' what day she was cornin'? His M ife: Yes. She's cornin’ Thursday. JONES' NEW MOTOR CAR. "1 h ar ft hat Jones left town rather hurriedly." es. He lost control of his motor car.” SHE WAS TRAINED. "No,” said Mr Cuntrox, gently, “I haven't the slightest objection to your asking my daughter to marry you.” "Thank you." exclaimed the young man with a title but no money. "You go ahead and ask her,” the father proceeded. thoughtfully. “I won't interfere. I have given her a good education and taught her to read the newspapers, and if she doesn’t know enough to say ‘No.’ why, she doesn't deserve any better luck.” IN THE EDITOR'S SANCTUM. "Your narrative is too highly coloured." remarked the editor, returning the bulky manuscript. "In what way?” inquired the disappointed author. "Why." replied the editor, “in the very first chapter you make the old man turn purple with rage, the villain turn green with envy, the hero turn white with anger, the heroine red with blushes, and the coachman turn blue with cold." A POINT OF ETIQUETTE. Daughter: Which is correct, papa. Miss Brown married Mr Smith or Mr Smith married Miss Brown? Papa: That depends, my child. Had he the money, or had she?

NOT HAVING ANY. Mrs Gorst : George, I think we ought to have one of those burglar alarms. Gorst : What on earth for ? Mrs Gorst : What do you suppose ? You know if anyone tries to break into the house it will go off, and Gorst : Yes. and wake the baby. No fear !