The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXVI, Issue II, 12 January 1901, Page 96

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

THE KIND OF WORK HE LIKED.

‘•You are mistaken about Young Clifford. I tell you his heart was very much in his work when I last saw him.” “Indeed! What was he doing?” “Falling in love with a pretty girl.”

WILLING TO PLEASE.

New Cook (haughtily)—You have no children. I suppose? Mistress (thoroughly humbled) — Only one boy. I assure you. And if you prefer he van be sent to a boarding school.

AN IMPRESSION.

“I played a game of cricket to-day, the first in fifteen years.” "Ah?" "Yes. I wonder what is the idea of having the wickets so much farther apart than they used to be?"

PERADVENTURE ’TIS TRUE.

Sunday-school Teacher —Robert, tell me why it was the children of Israel built a golden calf. Robert —1 don't know, unless ’twas that they didn't have gold enough to make a cow.

ACCORDING TO LAW.

"I notice by the reports of divorce eases that husbands are not always right. ■‘No. A good many of them nowadays seem to be left.”

D.T’S.

Snagsby—What did old David Trimble die of? Nogsby—Of his initials.

CERTAINLY NOT.

Cholly: I shall never marry a strong minded woman —never. Minerva: No, of course you won’t. The woman you marry will be weakminded, I’m sure.

SHE TOOK HIM.

"Are you fond of puppies, Miss Golf?” Miss Golf —What a singular way you have of proposing. Mr. Tanly'

“ Deer son—Yore letter receeved askin' fer money ter buy a wheel, so’s yew cud take a spin every day. Ez money iz skeeree mother sends yew her old one. ” Frum yore father.”

SENSIBLE.

••Why do you imagine he married his first wife's sister?” “So he wouldn't have to change mot hers-in-law. I suppose.”

THE FIRST DOLLAR.

yes. 1 have always kept the first dollar I ever made. It was such a bum piece of work that I couldn’t spend it!” Ami the counterfeiter laughed heartily at the recollection.

A CLOSE SHAVE.

Ba'rlier (pausing in. the mutilation): Will yon have a close shave, sir? Victim (with a gasp): If I get out of this chair alive I* shall certainly consider it such.

OF TWO EVILS.

" Ruggles. 1 am sorry to hear you were burnt out the other day. Did you lose all your household goods?" “ Yes. but we don’t feel so awfully bad over it. Lumpkin. We expected to have to move next week, any way.

A PIOUS NEPHEW.

Manager: You say you would like to go to your uncle’s funeral this afternoon? Clerk: Yes. sir. if it doesn't rain.

DROOPING SWEETNESS.

Clara: Don't you like a drooping moustache? Mabel: Yes; if it droops my way.

ELABORATE REVENGE.

Wattelle: Old Bullion fired you from your job in his banking house, did he? What are you going to do to get even with him? Foyle d’Agavne: I am going to write to him on a postal card and tell him I must not be considered any longer an aspirant for the hand of his daughter.

AT THE BEACH.

“It must be grand to stand out there and watch the beauties of the morning,” said the poetic man, as he stood on the pier and watched the bi 1 lows. “Well, the fact is." said the hotel landlord. "I’ll be candid and tell you that the beauties sleep pretty late. But you can watch them in the afternoon.”

FOND.

“The dog you sold me yesterday would have eaten my little girl up this morning if she had not been rescued.” “But you insisted on having a dog that was fond of children.”

THE FEMININE CODE.

Daisy: Oh, yes, she wrote him that they must part forever and ever, but she did not mean it. Dolly: How do you know? Daisy: Because she did not underscore it, you silly.

DRIVING IT HOME.

Miss Thirtysmith: Powder doesn't seem to do my complexion any good. Sally Gay: Try dynamite, dear.

AN EXPLANATION.

Weeks: Your wife flares up pretty often, doesn’t she? Meeks: Yes; you see, I married one of my old flames. Tramp—l’m very much obliged for that piece of fresh bread you gave me. mum. Young Housekeeper—You are welcome. Tramp—Yes. mum. It was a little too doughy to eat. mum, but it tightened my leaky shoes up elegant.

EXPLAINED.

She —l think that a great many foreign noblemen are awfully plain-look-ing men. He--Yes. that is why their severeigns feel called upon to decorate them so often.

IMPERVIOUS TO HEAT.

New Tenant—This Hat is fire-proof, isn't it? Old Tenant —You will think so, after you have lived here for a while.

JUST THE ONE.

Ilopperly—(an you recommend the man who built your house? Plankinton—lf you are fond of an outdoor life.

TRUE DEMOCRACY.

Pip—After all. do you suppose when a man's elected he's really the choice of the |>eople‘? Nip—Why. yes. 1 fancy so if he's spent enough money.

ACKOWLEDGING THE DEBT.

"I do not claim." said the thoughtful member of the club, "that the influence of Fashion is entirely harmful. We must admit that we owe the milliner and dressmaker something.” “(loodness. yes!” exclaimed the usually frivolous member, shuddering. “My account can't be less than a hundred and fifty pounds.”

RATHER ONE-SIDED.

Dixmyth —How do you like your new boarding-house? Hojax—By reversing the order of things it could be made an ideal home. Dixmyth —How so? Hojack—What it requires is less hair in the butter and more in the mattress.

IDEAL HAPPINESS.

She—What was the happiest moment of your life? He—Well. I think it was one evening last week when I entered the parlour of- nt*' boarding-house and saw a strange'sign on the piano? She—lndeed! And the sign? He—Closed for repairs.

NOT A CHEERFUL OUTLOOK.

The Applicant —Awn phoy did th’ lasht cook leave ye’er door, sor? The Suburbanite —She didn’t leave my door.

The Applicant —How was thot, sor? The Suburbanite —She left my roof. Lit the gasoline stove and then soared.

A LONG PROSPECT.

Burroughs—What are you driving at ? Lenders—l simply don’t want you to forget that you owe me ten pounds. Burroughs—Don’t worry. I expect to remember that to my dying day.

"What are you crying for, little girl?” "Bò-hoo. 'oos siftin’ on my jam tart!”

LATENT ENERGY.

Stiles—ls there any life at all in your office boy? Biles —Any life? He's only resting for a spurt. Wait ten minutes, and you'll see him close the office.

RESUMPTION OF HOSTILITIES.

The professor, who thought his system was running down.-asked his old enemy, the doctor, to prescribe for him. ‘■.Ml the medicine you need,” said the doctor.'after listening to a recital of the symptoms, “is a tonic in the shape of fresh air."’ “Well,” responded the professor, slightly irritated, “what is the shape of fresh air?”

ECONOMY.

Widow—Here is a pair of shoes which irelonged to my deceased husband. You may have them if they fit you. Beggar (examining the worn out shoes) —You iretter keep them, madam. you might get married again.

A PRECAUTION.

Marie—You should get him to sign the pledge when you marry. Carrie—Why. he doesn’t drink. Marie—No. but he may be tempted to do so after.

TOO BAD.

Tailor—We came. Baron, to ask you to pay your bill. We cannot wait any longer because we have not been able to pay our own bills for cloth for three months. Baron —Well. I declare —you fellows incur debts and then you come to me for money to pay them. What impudence!

( rawlev :*• Yes, I'm a firm believer the past our spirits inhabited other a certain extent and inherit their Cocoanut pie for me, please.”

iii the theory that at some time in bodies, ami that we resemble them to taste. (To waitress.) Dessert ?