The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXVI, Issue I, 5 January 1901, Page 48

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

ANIMAL LIFE. Doolittle Goode: How did you spend your holiday? Somers Holliday: Oh. I led a dog’s life. Doolittle Goode: No! What did you do? Somers Holliday: Lay around and slept. NO CUKE FOR IT. Jones: What’s the matter, old man? Smith: Can’t sleep nights. Jones: Ah, insomnia; I know just the— Smith: No; baby. THE PROFESSIONAL WAY. Mistress: “Does your policenuan lover ever ask you for a kiss, Norah?” “Cook: "No, indade, mum! Whin a policeman see anything he wants he takes it widout asking,” THE CONCEALED HUSBAND. Jinks: When burglars were in your house the other night did Mrs Filkins look under the bed for a man? Filkins: Yes; and found one, too! Jinks: One of the burglars? Filkins: No, me! PREJUDICED VIEW. “Paw. what is an ‘independent paper?’ ” “An independent paper, my son, is one that usually tries to throw its influence in favour of some political party in such a way that nobody will suspect it.” WHERE HE FOUND IT. Penelope: O, I like that new song of yours so much. It is so sweet and sad, especially that line, “You never fail to meet me Sunday night.” What gave you the inspiration for it. Mr Quaver? Quaver: My board bill.

O.P.H. Phlipp: Say, Todd, do you want a tip? Todd: What is it? Phtipp: Go and stand in front of a bank. There’s money in it.

STILL IN THE SWIM. Neighbour: How did your daughter’s marriage with that count turn out? Mrs Brickrow: Her last letter states that he has spent all her money, and she is taking in washing; but then, 1 presume, she washes only for the nobility.

A DIFFERENT MATTER. Tom: I paid a visit to Miss Sweety’s house yesterday, and l found her old man at home. Dick: Ha! What did the old bear do? Kick you out? ■Tom: Ob, no. He was very polite: asked me to call again. Dick: You don’t mean it? Why, he never lets any, one call on his daughter. Tom: I wasn’t calling on her. I was trying to collect a bill the old man owes the firm.

THE OTHER FELLOW. “Talk about woman’s fickleness and caprieiousness! ” she exclaimed scornfully. “I’d like to know how she can beat man when it comes to being vacillating and mentally unreliable.” “What’s the matter now?” asked her dearest friend. “Why, if it were not for man’s inconstancy I’d be engaged to be married.” “Tell me about it.” “Well, he asked me to marry him, and I refused. I didn’t think I wanted to, you know, but afterward I made up my mind that I did, and the fickle thing never asked me again.”

NOT NECESSARY. “Can you prove all the things you say in your campaign arguments,” asked the conservative voter. “That's not the point at all,” answered the practical politician. “The only question we are concerned with is whether the other people can disprove them.”

SPORTY. Walker: This bride was quite a popular girl, wasn’t she? Watkinson: Yes, indeed. The Evening Scarifier sent its sporting man to report the wedding. He printed a list of rejected lovers half a column long under the heading “Among Those Who Also Ran.”

A YOUNG PHIIXhSOPHER. “Mamma, I heard somebody* to-day say’ that matches were made in heaven; how about that?” “I believe that is the fact, Willie.” “Well, what in thunder do they want matches there for, if there’s going to be no night there?”

RECOGNISED HIM. Mrs Casey (reading war news): Wan soldier wor morthal wounded, an’ his lasht words wor “Gimme whisky.” Mrs Dolan (whose husband is at the front): Hivin hilp me fatherless chillier. thot wor Pat.

ALL FOR THE BEST. "They say’ that women have a vary deficient sense of humour,” remarked Willie Wishington. “Yes,” answerd Miss Cayenne, “And perhaps it is just as well. If we had too much discrimination in such matters we couldn’t smile at so many well meant masculine efforts to be funny.”

FILIAL PRESCIENCEI Fond Mother: You say’ Mr Willing objects to my presence in the drawingroom when he calls? Daughter: Yes. mamma. Fond Mother: I wonder why? Daughter: I'm sure I don’t know, unless it is because he loves me for myself alone.

HARD TO UNDERSTAND WOMAN. “Oh. you can’t please a woman,” he said disgustedly; “it’s no use trying.” “What’s happened now?” “1 met that pretty Miss Brown in a dark hallway and kissed her. I didn’t think she’d mind, you know.” “And she did mind?” “Well, she pretended to be very angry. so I thoug’ht I'd smooth things down by telling her that it was all a mistake, that T thought she was somebody else.” “And then?” “Why, then, she. really was angry.” THE TWO WAYS. Mrs Geyer: Men have different ways of making home happy. Mrs Meyer: How so? Mrs Geyer: Some do it by staying at home and some by going away. MODEST MAN. Braggs: What? Miss Romanz. No. she’s not for me. She told me the other day that the man she marries must be handsome rather than wealthy. Briggs: Well, you’re certainly not wealthy, but Braggs: Of course. That’s just it. I hate to have a girl throw herself at. my head that way. GRATITUDE. Young Lady: Give me one yard of why, haven’t I seen you before? Dry Goods Clerk: Oh, Maud, can you have forgotten me? I saved yourlife at the seaside last summer. Young Lady (warmly): Why, of course you did! You may give me two yards of this ribbon, please. NOW THEY DON’T SPEAK. Mrs Nexdore: I notice you’ve got new paper in your hall. Mrs Pepprey: How do you like the design? Mrs Nexdore: It seems to me it’s rather loud. Mrs Pepprey: Yes, that’s why we selected it. We thought it might drown the sound of your daughter’s pianoplaying.

WELL SPOKEN OF. “I believe that last book of mine was a good deal talked about.” “Yes, I have often heard it referred to.” “Have you, really, now. By whom?” “By you.”

WASN’T GIVING HIMSELF AWAY. Father (meaningly): Who is the laziest boy in your class, Tommy? Tommy: I don't know, pa. Father: I should think you should know. When all the others are industriously studying or writing their lessons,- who is it sits idly in his seat and watches the rest, instead of working himself? Tommy: The teacher. PATIENCE. Irate Landowner (to angler): “Hi, you, sir! This is my water. You can’t fish here.” Angler: “O, all right. Whose is that water up there round the bend?” Irate Landowner: “Don’t know; not mine. But this is.” Angler: “Very well. I’ll wait till that flows down here!” DEGREES OF CLOSENESS. Borrowit: You’ve got a double. 1 saw a fellow down town to-day that I was sure was you. I even struck him for a loan before I discovered my misi ake. Pinchit: Must have been a very close likeness. Borrowit: No, he was quite the opposite of close. That’s how I knew it wasn’t you.