The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXV, Issue XXVI, 29 December 1900, Page 1240

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

NOT AS BAD AS THAT. Aunt Hannah: We shall a'l know each other in that better land. Edith: Yes, so 1 have been told; bld then, auntie, we sha’n’t be obliged to speak to everybody. BROKE THE RULE. Mr Cannibal: Excuse me, my dear, for breaking your rule about letting you know, but I’ve brought a gentleman home for dinner. DIDN’T LOOK PROSPEROUS. He: Well, Mrs Smith is economical, anyway. She makes all her own dresses. She: Yes, and she looks so dowdy that her husband can’t get a single one of his friends to lend him any money. NO DOUBT. Boss: I don’t know whether to discharge that new boy or raise his salary. w Manuager: What has he been doing? Boss: He rushed into my private office this morning and told me there was a man down stairs who would like to see me. Manager: Who was it? Boss: A blind man.

APPROPRIATE. “Didn’t Mrs Jones’ husband die only last week?” “Yes.” “T saw her yesterday, and she was wearing- second mourning.” “I know—he was her second husband.” OBSERVANT. Gray: They are beginning to have typewriters on the stage. Black: I know; but it’s a piece of affectation. No typewriter that ever was invented can begin to write as rapidly as the average actor with the common everyday pen. TURNED DOWN. Borrowit: Say, old man, lend me a fiver, will you? Markley: Sorry, but I’m not making any permanent investments just now. FALLS SHORT AS A COMPANION. “How does your new bookkeeper suit you?” “As a bookkeeper, he’s gi eat, but as a human being 1 don’t take to him.” MEET FOR REPENTANCE. Jones: What business are you in now? Smith: I am in the meat business. Jones incredulously): Where is your shop? Smith: I haven’t any shop. I am the ham in an advertising sandwich. A CERTIFICATE INDEED.' Lady: “This is the second time you have received food from, me, isn’t it?” “Tramp: “It is, madam, and you are at liberty to mention the fact to your friends if you wish.”

WHAT SHE WANTED TO KNOW. “My dear child, you really should not eat your pudding so quickly.” “Why not, mamma?” “Because it is dangerous. I once knew a little boy about your age who was eating pudding so quickly that lie died before he had finished it.” “And what did they do with the rest of his pudding, mamma?” FROM THE DIARY OF A WIFE. I am completely disheartened. To-night I entered the parlour suddenly, and I found my husband lying on one of my lovely new sofa cushions. How impossible it is for a woman to make a home in the true sense when she is married to sueh an insensate man! Sometimes I feel that I should be glad to die. AFTER HIS STORY. Judge—The charge against you is disorderly conduct. What have you to say? Prisoner—l was fishing, and Judge (eagerly)—What luck? The prisoner talks volubly for five minutes, while the face of the Judge gradually hardens. Judge—Discharged on first charge, and held for perjury.

WHAT HE WAS PAID FOR. “If you’ll give me a finer quality of goods,” said the professional window trimmer, “I can make a splendid display.” “If I had the fine goods I could make the'display myself,” remarked the proprietor of the store. “What Pm paying you for is to make a splendid display with cheap goods." TWO OF A KIND. “A woman doesn’t always have the last word, does she?” “Oh, no! Sometimes she is talking to another woman.” SLIGHTLY ABSENT MINDED. “Does your husband ever help you about taking care of the baby” was asked the wife of a young professor. “Not often, though sometimes he does. Last evening he said he’d take Willie for an airing as he was going to walk down to the post office. Half an hour later I saw my husband sitting in the parlour reading a scientific magazine, but I could see nothing of the baby. “Where’s Willie? What have you done with him?” I asked. “Why,” said the professor, “I forgot all about him. I think he is sitting in the post office.” PRETTY BIG. "Blowhard has a big opinion oj himself.” “How big?” “Well, he’s begin’— ning to imagine he’s annoyed by camera fiends.” A MODE OF SPEECH. Clergyman: “Weld, Johnny, how’s father and mother keeping?” Johnny: “Mither’s nae weel, sir.” Clergyman: “What’s the matter? Is she laid up?” Johnny: “No, sir, she’s laid down.”