Minor Matters.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXV, Issue XXVI, 29 December 1900, Page 1204

Minor Matters.

±he Latest Business Triek. ■ In some manner the cheeky man gained admittance to the senior partner’s private office. “Don't want any books, brooms, or soap,” said the senior partner, without looking up. “Sir!” exclaimed the cheeky man, “I fvoiild inform you that I am no pedler.” “Then who are you?" “A sporting gentleman, sir.’’ “What business ean you have with me.?”' “I wish to make n bet.” "Look here! I am ao —“ "Of course yon are no gambler. This is a gentleman's bet. I bet you. sir. that 1 ean hold up my thumb, and after 1 lower it you will leave the room." The senior purtner threw down his .pen. t’Five pounds that I will not leave the room.” “Done!" Up went the eheeky man’s thumb. ’•.Wait!" called the senior partner; . “this is so easy that 1 would like to *' make it ten.” “Make it twenty if.you like.”’ “All righty it is twenty.” The cheeky.man raised snd lowered his thumb. "You don’t see me leaving the Toom.” said the senior partner. “No,’.’ admitted-the cheeky naan. The partner laboured with his pen for thirty minutes. “I'm still here.” “So I see.” ’ Fifteen minutes passed: “You'd just as well pass over the twenty.!’. “It is early yet." Ten more minutes skipped merrily. “Look here,” said the senior partner suddenly, “when is the time up?” “There is no time limit, sir. If you remain in this room lite money is vours. When you leave ! win. This evening, to-morrow, next week; it makes no difference to me.” Then the senior partner gave in. “Take the money!” he roared, “but if it wasn’t for catching the Epsom tram I would stick you out and win.” * * ♦ Society for the Prevention, of Cruelty to Lovers. The young men of a southern town have, organised a society which aims to redress the woes of lovers. I trust that your lover days are not so far past that you have forgotten what these woes might be. One is a lack of sympathy with the youth who evidently cannot, realise that there are others in the world than the girl he adores, and other topics as well worth talking about. Young men who find proper understanding and encouragement among themselves have’founded the Society for the Prevention iof Cruelty-to Worthy Young Lovers, in which a grievance committee' will be kept quite busy. That it is limited to young lovers shows the ignorance of twenty which dbes not know that love is like the measles and whooping cough in that one has it harder and Is more likely to find it fatal the older one gets. - -

♦ ♦ . ♦ Heading Him Off. ! ' Miss Frocks thought that she detected symptoms of growing sentimentality in young Mr Dolley, and she determined that she would discourage him. Her kindly efforts to make it apparent that his advances were unwelcome were of no avail, however. He was too dense or too egotistical to see that she regarded him only with toleration, and he rushed on to his doom. “Miss Frocks,” siad he, assuming a languishing attitude and a manner intended to be expressive of his lovelorn condition, “I am going to ask you a question which no doubt has been put to you many a time before, and ——” . “Oil, I know what you are going to fhe gtiT-ehvfo-. “fe B , I’*jt been" asked the-fliiekliohia gfeit many times L- amt-I’m going to hndweT'it.tins firns’ bdfore I am asked again." Mr Dolley looked at her in a dazed sort of way, and she went on: “Yes, I do play golf.” A Well-Known Lawyer la Trouble. There is a well-known legal light of Wellington who is In deep disgrace without the shadow of an excuse for himself to bolster up his sinking spirits. Be went out the other night to dine informally with some friends, and his hostess, who had been married but a short time, put herself out to entertain him. The dinner was excellent and the barrister did full justice

to it. They had coffee in the library, and the biggest, most padded U-atlief 1 chair was put at the guest’s disposal. With a sigh he sank into its eaverubus depths and prepared for a luxurious evening 'with a good cigar ahead of him. Brilliantly his hostess' rambled on. She told stories that were Witty, and she gently deferred to his vievts, but presently he left her to do all the talking. In the midst of a striking account of a theatre she stopped with ii‘ jerk. There was no response and a, : . dead silence punctuated only by a gentle and regular breathing. The legal luminary was fast asleep in his big chair. There was no doubt of it. Nothing could conceal the fact. With, one indignant and comprehensive glance at -her plainly delighted husband she arose .and . majestically swept upstairs. . And. she did not go down again. It was some time later, when her husband apologetically canie up after her. He had not expected her wrath to last. “Did—did yqn think you were badly ‘treated?” he asked. “How long did he sleep?” asked the still insulted wife. Again the grin overspread her husband's face, but he spoke in a sad tone, as befitted the occasion. Nearly an. hour,” he breathed. “I wouldn’t mind,” pacifically. Then it was the worm turned. “Mind!” she stormed. “Of course I wouldn’t, only you have grounds now for the rest of your life for saying I talk so much it puts people to sleep!” And she wept. ♦ ♦ ♦ A Self-Denying Husband. “George, dear.” said the loving wife, “why don’t you smoke the .cigars 1 presented to you on your birthday?” “A pipe is good enough for me, my dear. Cigars are too rich for my blood.” ’ *> “But, George, dear, they didn’t cost much. I paid only 3/ for the box.” “It was very thoughtful of you to buy them, Mary ; but. as I said, a pipe is good enough for me. Your kindness, however, won’t’be thrown away. The cigars will enable me to do the handsome thing by our friends when they call. They shall have them.” .“But I should like to see you smoke One of them, dear.’’ “Self-denial,- my 'darting, is one Of the greatest of human virtues. I deny myself for the pleasure '• of our friends.” ’ “It is noble of you, George, and after all I am proud of your resolution.” “Don't make me vain.” said the hypocrite, as he went out on the front step to enjoy the shilling perfecto he, had purchased coming from town. * + +

At a Linwood Wedding. A pretty' little miss of about ten summers nearly broke up a wedding party at Linwood a short while ago. It was about the first wedding that she had ever attended, and she felt the importance of the occasion very much. After the ceremony she noticed that the people went, up-te-the bride and groom and made remarks to them. She supposed that they were words of congratulation or condolence, or something of that sort, bufr her ideas of the proper thing ,to,say , under the circumstances'were * little vague. Finally she whispered to an old friend of the family who was near by: “What shall I say when I go up ■there?” she filtered. “Oh, , tiling to that -you ar'f .-glmj, jthgy are ? SuatJ sjmgthiiwf. yovf few minutes the little :-miss had made her way to where the happy, couple were receiving the congratulations. There was quite a crowd around, but she d! In’t mind them one bit. She inarched straight up to the bride, and, extending her hand, said: “I wish you both many happy returns of the day.” The remark convulsed every one in hearing, but the little miss left with the consciousness that she had observed the proprieties. -• ♦ ♦ ♦ Whleh Baid the Joke Beet? “You Colonials,” said the Loadin' young man as he stopped sucking hii cane, “are always insinuating that w« Englishmen don’t know what a real

joke la. Now, : just-.hold your sides while I go over thiy <>ne which I read in a home paper a week, ago: The Countess—M’lord, 'you were at the grand dinner last night, werty-ou not? J ust a while ago' I heard owe' of t hose vulgar colonials make fhetenAark that this morning you had a big head. The Duke!—But, m’lady, thtre’fi'ndthing in it."’ The colonial looked as' Sober as a criminal court''judge. “Well?” he - asked. “Don't you see,” explained the disgusted Britisher, poking the other in the ribs with his cane,, “the countess says some one accused her companion (ha!) of having a big head (lia, ha!) and he declares (p-ah, lia!) there's nothing in it!” “Yes, but —” “Blarsted idiocy, but what?” “Her companion was a duke.’’ “Yes.” “And not any' different from the rest of the English nobility?” “No. Butfhe joke, the joke! It. is so adroitly put. In apparent inadvertence (desperately) the duke admits there is nothing in his head! No.w., do you see?” “Well, it’s a little strange that the duke could inajte such a frank and candid admission, but —where does the joke come In?” . . * * * , Clear the Line! "Clear the line” on active service prefixes, a telegram of supreme importance only, and all official Natal was startled when a “clear ,the line'" telegram, addressed to the! heads of the hospitals in the field, announced nothing more serious than that the Prince of Wales’ horse had won the Derby. The sender, an Irish surgeonniajor, was promptly .carpeted, and was extremely: surprised,,that it was thought necessary to ask, him any questions. “Shure,” he said,, “isn’t H . the duty of the surgeons to kape up . 'the spirits of the .sick and wounded, and is there anything tba,t would make them more joyful than to knpw that - the Prince’s horse had won the race.” The Trooper and the < Prince’s Cigars. Her Royal Highness the Princess of Wales has a wonderfully kind heart, and is constantly showing in the most, a practical manner her sympathy for our gallant soldiers -who" have been wounded in battle, says '■ an English ex-change. A few weeks ago the Princess, accompanied by the' Prince, paid a Visit to the military hospital-at Netley. near Soiithamptofi. where there Jwere lying many men who have been Wourided during the present War. As she walked slowly through the wards the tender-hearted priiicess "Sadly exclaimed “Oh. this awful war! What terrible suffering it brings!” In one bed the Princess saw n soldier whose cheek and mouth had been wofully

lacerated by a Boer bullet. His Buffering appealed to her kindly heart, and she said to him: “My poor fellow! Can yon anyhow contrive, to smoke?” “Yes’, Your Royal Highness,” was the reply. Whereupon the Princess walked over to the Prince and asked: “Have you your cigar case with you to-day?*' The Prince at once handed his case of choice cigars to Hee Royal Highness, who possessed herself of the fragrant contents and gave them all to the delighted soldier, saying. “Take these, my brave fellow, and enjoy them. I am sure you will like them. The Prince believes they are the best that can be had." Then, with a cheery smile, the gracious lady pased on her wav. * ♦ ♦ Parsonic Comfort.

A man lay very ill, and expressed a wish to see the parson, who was a noted tippler. On his arrival he" was asked to sit by the bedside and read the parable of the Prodigal Son. This he did, in fervent- voice. When he reached the end he was requested to repeat the dose, and—- “ Would yer mind sitting a little closer, sir?”

The parson did as requested, feeling glad he was apparently bringing some consolation to the poor fellow, but when on wailing through for the second time, he was again asked to

••faee the starter” he didn’t show great alacrity, especially as he was again requested to “sit just a little closer, please, sir.” However, he conformed onee more to the sick man's request, and this time thought he naw the fellow's face light up with delight. On completing the third reading he asked the mail why he liked the Parable so much. “Oh, it ain't the parable, sir; hut ever since I’ve been in orspital I ’avn’t touched a drop of liquor, and yer breath is so comforting.” . Now, can this possibly refer to an Auckland parson and patient? + * ♦ Mot Enough to Go Round. A young married lady has just acquired a new coach, and a new footman to match. "John,” she said one “we will drive out to make a few calls. But I shan’t get out of the carriage; you will therefore take the.cards that are on my dressing-table and leave one of them at each house we stop at.” “Very good, ' ma’am,’’, answered John, and ran upstairs to fetch the cards.' After they had driven about a considerable time, and cards had been left at a large number of houses, the lady remarked—- . “Now, we must call, at the Dales, the Pranktons and Clarkes.” “We can't do it,” here broke in the footman in alarm; “I’ve only the ace of spades and the ten of clubs left!” * ♦ * Age of Chivalry. Customer: I would like to buy some kind of Christmas present suitable for an old : lady. Shopgirl: Yes, sir. How would a nice little folding stool do?” Customer: What use could she make of that ? Shopgirl: When she has to travel in a ear crowded with men. she can open it out and. sit down in the aisle, you know. . * ♦ * A Mayor's • Slip. (For once the Bishop and clergy were to be found on the same platform with the Nonconformist minister of the town. • The worthy Mayor was transported with joy at the sight. After remarking how gratifying it was te see Church and Chapel joining together in a common cause,- he added:- “And. what I says, gentlemen, is this: if a man’s ’art is in the - right place, it don't matter what sex he belongs to.” . ■ «.■*, -Js- - ' ■ . ,♦ . * . ‘ Heady to' Oblige. . , An. elderly lady presented a cheque lately to a young bank clerk. • After examining it critically, he said. “This is a crossed cheque, madame; I am sorry we cannot pay it across the counter.” Elderly lady: “Never mind, I can come round!” ♦ ♦ ♦ Her Mistake. The conductor said there was room for a few more inside. At the corner, when a tram turned west, the customary contingent of Choppers got in, and there was an uncomfortable jam. But the little man kept his eyes on his paper. He also kept his seat. “Pardon me, madam,” said a polite man hanging on to a strap to a lady standing beside him with an armful of paper parcels, “you are standing on my foot.”. “I’m so sorry,” said she. “I thought it belonged to the man sitting down.” •And then the little man’s eyes were lifted from his paper, and she got the seat. + + 4e ■ How Tommy Spoilt the Dinner. I was invited to a friend's house to partake of the Christmas dinner. A merry company were assembled, and all enjoyed the feast of good things provided by our genial hostess. One of the guests, in a jocular manner, asked little Tommy, the non of our hostess, where turkeys came from. “Dunno,” he answered; “but I can tell you where this one came from” (pointing to the one on the table). ”Ma got it from a tramp for one and sixpence, ’cause the man paid he rftole it. Didn’t he, .

la Doubtful Company.

At a party one evening n gewUeman met a young lady with whom, ho raas slightly acquainted, who wan considered by her friends to be a rather strong-minded woman, and*-oe*aai<m-ally a bit of a romp. ■ < In the course of conversation he remarked that he had uot seen her for a long time, and inquired if she had been enjoying a holiday at Rotorua or the South.

“Oh, no,” replied the lady; “I had a walking tour. Other two girls and 1 took a tramp through the-Waikato for a month; and we just had a glorious time of it.

“Indeed, that was surely a very unusual way of spending a holiday. I hope the tramp behaved in a proper • anti becoming manner?”

An H.M.S. Ringdove Yars.

During the recent cruise-’of H.M.s. Ringdove amongst the Soldtnons and other South Sea islands, a- visit was paid to the lately-annexed Sfenta Cruzgroup to see that the flag was flying on all lof them. One failed th come up to sample; and an armed landing-party proceeded ashore to inquire' into, and if necessary avenge, the insuit. Investigation, however, disclosed that a chief’s wife had been so hard hit by the coloured bunting that sh> had used it to supplement the resources of her town scanty wardrobe, and'” the usual island punishment of village-bumfng and pig-stealing was not resorted to.