Minor Matters.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXV, Issue XXIV, 15 December 1900, Page 1109

Minor Matters.

The New Zealander and the Army Male. A pious New Zealand trooper was assigned to the duty of teaming, probably by mistake. The roads were muddy, and the rest of the teamsters .were literally bombarding their charges with oaths. It was against the man's principles to swear, and he held his peace, albeit, in impotent rage. At last one of the hind mules balked and refused to advance a step. The New Zealander used every endeavour to urge, the beast along, but to no purpose. At last he roared in a loud and solemn voice: “O Lord, yon know where this mule ought to be as well as anybody. This whole army knows where he ought to be this minute. He knows where he ought to be. I know where he ought to be, O Lord, and if he doesn't move in a minute I intend to say so, by gum.” ♦ ♦ ♦ A Bird in the Hand, ete. A.s two gentlemen were cycling down the footpath of Wai-iti Hoad, Timaru, the other day, they were accosted by “a- man in blue,” who seemed to take great interest in their welfare. so much so that he asked them for their names in order, presumably, that he might renew acquaintance .with them at some future date. Being r< specif ble citizens, they offered 110 objections to divulging their identity and they immediately handed their cards to the important personage who stood before them. But just as they did so, a lady came out of a gate close by, and. mounting her bike on the footpath, site cycled gaily off, ■without intervention on the part of any one. Possibly the man in blue had become inspired with a little of that gallantry of which the Governor had been speaking in the afternoon, or failing that, he may have thought that two "dead birds” were a good deal better than one very much alive, and which he had but little hope of catching. It should be a warning, however, to the lady, to be careful in fut tire. . 4> * ♦ Too Good not to be True. A story which is at least "ben trovato,” is being- told of a certain wellknown Government official. A party of Maoris from the fnr north visited a certain land office, where they were introduced to the official who had especial charge of their section of the country, a bumptious little individual with a big head. This official prowith his importance. Grasping each ceeded to overpower the brown men one of them cordially by the hand; he patted them patronizingly on their backs and then delivered a. long speech, explaining in detail the work of the office, their interest in it, laying particular stress on the fact that he was the motive power of it all. As soon its their entertainer paused for breath the visiting Maoris began'to grunt - and talk among themselves. “What are they saying?” asked the egotistical clerk, epecting to hear high praise of himself. "Tell me what they are saying.” "I cannot tell you,” replied the interpreter. "It was not for you to hear.” But the little man insisted; and with great reluctance the interpreter finally yielded. ' “They said,” he translated, "Little man, big head, heap talk, say nothing, much fool.” * + * The English Idea of Americans. “I have often jeered at the comic Englishman as depicted on the American stage,” said a competent young actor the other day, “ but I'll never do so any more. He is a miracle of realism compared to the comic American on the English stage. 1 was ip London last season, and one of the first things I saw was a melodrama that opened with what was described on the programme as an 'out of door ball' at a diamond king’s bungalo, at Kimberley. There were a lot of people in the scene, and among' them was the inevitable eomedy American, who was supposed to be a Chicago millionaire, travelling around the world seeing the sights. ‘The part was played by a raw-boned cockney, who evideut-

ly had an idea that all Americans talked through their noses. He wore an eccentric make-up. eopsisting of very short anil very loud |>luid trousers. blue cutaway coat aiul ua oldfashioned plug hat, set ou the extreme back of his head. A cigar screwed into one corner of his mouth completed his 'toot and scramble,’ as the artists say, and he expectorated loudly and frequently, much to the delight of the audience. In the course of his remarks he referred to the time when ‘Three-finger Ben was Mayor of Shecago,' and said that ‘gents to hum' was always accustomed to ‘checkin' their guns at the door' when they attended social functions. He also made frequent use of the terms ‘guess.' ‘tarnal,’ ‘hunky’ and ‘reckon’; said •plankin’ down the dust’ when he meant paying money, and continually alluded to his native land as ‘the States.’ The spectators recognised all these expressions as Americanisms of the. deepest dye, and applauded rapturously. He excited still further enthusiasm by dancing a jig in his stocking feet and singing a ‘ooon song,’ and, taken altogether, he was quite the hit of the evening. I laughed until my sides ached, and a British friend who accompanied me to the theatre was agreeably surprised at my tolerance. ‘That’s what I like about you Americans,' he said; ‘you don't seem to mind it a bit when you see your little oddities taken off by our players.’ Next day one of the London dramatic papers spoke of the impersonation as ‘a clever piece of lowcomedy portraiture.’ I think that lays over anything we have to offer in the line of impossible stage Englishmen.” —New Orleans “Times-Demoerat.” ♦ ♦ * Can’t Swear at Women Employees. The other day a young woman who had been promoted to a post of responsibility previously filled by a. man, and who was doing satisfactorily the same work as her predecessor at about half the pay, called the attention of the manager of the concern to this discrepancy. “Oh, but,” he said, “a girl never does get as a man, you know.” “But. why not?” the young woman persisted. “It is the same work that you paid Mr so milch for, and you admit yourself that it is well done.” “Yes, but one lias to treat a woman differently. One can't swear at a woman, yaji know. ’ Too well bred to transgress-the rules of courtesy towards a lady in his employ he indemnifies himself, by docking her salary. -e Z A Bobei-ts Billiard Nails. Roberts, the billiard champion, during his stay in Melbourne, described an experience Which is-hot altogether new to some admirers of billiards, but is worth setting down afresh, on his authority. When making a. professional tour in England, playing exhibition matches. Cook. North, Short? r. and ’himself stayed at-‘the AYashingt-. n Hotel. Liverpool. In the billiardroom they found a well-dressed stranger practising fancy strokes. After they had admired him for a-while in silence, he asked if any one of them would like a game. North assented. The stranger played remarkably well, and knew it; but North won by 20 points in 100. North smilingly declined to play a second game, but suggested that one of his friends might oblige. Shorter stepped into the breach, and won by 35, much to the surprise and annoyance of the loser, who warmly requested another game. Shorter yawned. He was too tired himself, but one of the two remaining spectators might not refuse. Cook took up the challenge and won by 50. The stranger's blood was up; he -refused to remain quiet under constant defeat, so the. last man, Roberts, had to accommodate him with 100 up. ‘tile gave a miss in baulk.” said the ehtrtspion, can'd I did what I conld not do perhaps once in 50 times. 1 van out with an unfinished break of 100.” “Well, you are the holiest, lot I"ve ever struck,-** remarked the stranger. They were at that time probably the four best exponents of the English game iu the world.

The Toanc Bride's Idea. Out in a big Ix'ariling house- in—well, never mind the city just now — there- dwells a young married woman who is as naive as the bride- in the comic papers. The- matrons who live iu the same house with her have been somewhat annoyed of late by mice. The young woman met one of them in the hall the other day. mid the conversation naturally turned on their common pests. “The mice- have lieen so bad lately," said the elder woman, “that 1 keep everything locked up and all my eatables in tin- boxes.” The younger woman's eyes s|>arkled with eagerness. “My!” she said. “I wouldn't dare do that. 1 wouldn't want to run such a risk. I leave crackers and cheese lying about every night when I go to be<l so that when the mice become hungry they'll find something to eat and not gnaw things. I'm always afraid they'll bite holes in my new flocks and my nice bonnets it 1 don't leave the cheese right where they can find it easily. 1 feel perfectly safe when 1 know there's plenty for the n io eat right where they can get at it.” There's nothing, after all. like having a elever idea like that now and then. + + + The Latest of Schilling's World—Walking Tonr. Mr G. H. Schilling, the one-armed pedestrian, who is on a wager-walking tour round the world, hais arrived safely at Allahabad, in India, and writes to a friend in Christchurch to announce the fact that lie is “not dead as reported.” Schilling has lieen experiencing what he terms “hard times” since leaving New Zealand. Twice he has narrowly escaped death by drowning; he has been down with jungle fever in India, ami had numerous narrow shaves of making a meal for a healthy tiger—so he alleges. In one place, through committing a breach of Hindoo native etiquette, he, stood in danger of being clubbed to death, but in spite of all, talks hopefully of reaching Bombay, for which place he started overland, on foot, from Calcutta. From thence he tak s ship to China, and then has some eight thousand miles to walk to complete his engagement. Schilling states that owing to the South African war his time limit has been extended by six months. His next addru-rs will be the American Consulate, Hong Kong. + + -fc A Protestant Cow. In the old days on the diggings dairying was profitable. Pat attended the sale of an Orangeman's stock, and bought a fine cow. Biddy, who hailed from Cork, though a clever dairywomau, refused to milk the purchase till it had been cleared of the stain of its Orange breeding. Obedient to her instructions, Pat obtained a bottle of holy water from the priest, but on his way home he called at Murray's pub and stove at- Rowdy Flat, and in a maudlin moment confided to .Murray the nature of the contents of the bottle, and the purpose to which it Was to be devoted. Murray took an opportunity to change the water for vitriol. The first few drops of vitriol poured on the cow's head drove her frantic, and, smashing- the bail, she made her escape to the bush. "Ob. I’atsie,” said the horrified Biddy; “wasn't the Protestant sthrong in her?” * ♦ ♦ Most Extravagant and Vicions Dinner Ever Given. Undoubtedly it is a good thing to have an aim in life, even if the aim does not seem to he a very high one, and it probably brings a thrill of satisfaction to the possessor thereof when he can .say, "1 hive done what I meant to do." This thrill lias been the reward of years of earnest and persistent effort on the part of a young man now in Paris, who is regarded there ns a typical American. He has succeeded iu giving a dinner which for extravagance and recklessness has startled even that city of sensations. It had furthermore the distinction of having no woman at it who was not iu some way distinguished in the records of vice. To accomplish this does not appear to the average person worth the price, but then we cannot all see things alike. The young profligate has been working up to the accomplishment of his ambition ever since bis father.sent him to college with an allowance of a thousand a month for spending

money. The father was a self-made man who bequeathed his sun more money than brains, so far as can l-e judged from indications seen as yet, and the father shown! by bis conduct toward his son that he himself was not as skilful in raising men as he was in making money. What a pity such things should lie and that a life can be so poor that it n;is no better ideal of pleasure than dissoluteness. The man or woman who i-omrs to maturity with no truer sense of things has been cheated out of the best of his or her birt li-right, and this is a statement susceptible of proof had one time and place for an essay ou the subject. At a Branch Bank. A branch bank was about n Le opened. The manager arrived late in the evening with a leather bug full of eash, also a supply of clothes in another bug. The safe where he intended depositing the money was found to be so tightly shut that the blacksmith had to lx called in. The blacksmith worked hard, am! at last, managed to get the safe door open The money bag was put in, and the door shut with the assistance of tin- blacksmith. Ihe manager then withdrew to his sleeping quarters with his bag of wearing apparel, which he presently opened. To his horror he discovered the cash before him. and realised that he had locked up all his clothes. It was now very late, nothing could be done, consequently he spent an unhappy night, keeping guard, in full dress, over the money. Next morning the blacksmith was called iu again.