The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXIV, Issue XXIV, 16 June 1900, Page 1152

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

TIMELY STRATEGY. A gentleman was waiting for a tram car when he saw a stout old fellow come up, stop for a moment in a doorway, and taking three medals from his pocket pin them on his breast. Seeing that he was observed he explained: “You see,” he said, “the rascally conductors pretend they can’t see me waving and yelling, and I am too old and stout to jump on a ear when it is moving. So I’ve had to resort to strategy. People can’t do enough for soldiers these days, so 1 bought these medals and pin them on when I want to board a ear, and. hey presto! the conductors stop instantly, thinking I'm an old Tommy.” ONE OR THE OTHER. "Doctor, what ails my daughter?” “Before I answer that question let me ask if yon have reason to think she has had a love disappointment of anv kind?” “I know she has not.” “Then madam, your daughter has the grip.” A N I NCOMPATIBILITY. “Yon want a divorce from your husband. madam? On what grounds?” "Excessive cruelty. He abuses Fido.” EVEN THE PRISONER SMILED. (Scene: Orderly Room.) Adjutant: Private Mulcahy. Private Mulcahy: Sir. Adjutant: Very idle at fatigue drill the 24th inst. Sergeant-major: This man was sent to loosen the soil, round the big gun to allow the rain to soak into the ground. It was done in a very slovenly manner. Private Muleahy: Pardon, sir, but you know if you dig a hole, it is impossible to get all the soil in again aisiy. and —” Sergeant-major: Silence! He has always some excuse, sir. If he could not get all the soil in again he should have made the hole deeper. MEASURED. "How long, oh. how long?” moaned the unhappy Isabel. Guy. generous, chivalrous Guy, heard her. and springing forward with a single blow he caused the villain to measure his length upon the sward. "Oh. thank you,” cried Isabel, and smiled up at him in grateful acknowledgment of this apt and timely answer to her question.

"When you are tempted to be naughty. Walter, you must say, ‘Get thee la-hind me. Satan.* ” Huh! I’d rather have him in front, where I can keep my eye on him!”

STILL AN AMATEUR. The street was the football ground, the goals were marked with old tins, and the teams were six little ragamuffins a-side. One boy was much smarter with the ball than his companions. and in a very short time he succeeded in placing a goal between a space marked by two tins. A gentleman wishing to reward him called him and asked him if he would like a box of sweets or sixpence. "Let's have the sweets, mister, please.” was the reply, “ ’cos if I take the tanner I shall be a pro., and I don t want to be one of them just yet.”

She—“ You say you have never been in love. Have you ever been near it?” He—"l was married once.” HEARD IN TIME. She: Henry, dearest, I have at last discovered that I love you. He: Ah. you have heard, then, that my uncle has died and left me £5000? She: After that remark we must part for ever. (Aside: I heard it was £50.000.) A SI RE PROOF. "Jackson.” "You are getting careless: You don't brush my clothes now.” "1 assured you—” “I left a half-crown piece in my waistcoat pocket yesterday and it is still there.” THE REST WAS SILENCE. It was at the theatre, and the young man had seen the play before. He let everybody for five seats around know that, and he kept telling- us what was coming and just how awfully funny it would be when it did come. He had a pretty girl with him, and he was trying to amuse her. At length he said: "Did you ever try listening to a play with your eyes shut? You’ve no idea how funny it seems!” A middle-aged man with a red face sat just in front. He twisted himself about in his seat and glared at the young man. “5 oung man,” said he. “did you ever try listening to a play with your mouth shut?” AS HE UNDERSTOOD IT. Jaggsby: “I’m afraid my wife’s evesigh t is failing, doctor.” Doctor: “I’m sorry to hear that. makes you think such is the Jaggsby: "Well. I went home last night about ten o’clock, and she said. •Good gracious. Jaggsby. this can’t be you at this hour!” SERYINti THE QUEEN. A smart recruiting sergeant was recently perambulating a South Coast seaside town, with a drummer - boy. endeavouring to “beat up” recruits. Seeing a likely youth delivering milk, the sergeant accosted him. "Well, my man. would you like to serve the Queen?” "Yes. sir.' was tin* ready response. "What will she take, a pint or a quart?”

RETORT COURTEOUS. “You are a jewel,” said a lady to a gentleman who had given up his seat to her. “Oil. no,” he replied. “I am a jeweller; 1 have just set the jewel.” IN TIME. Angry Father: “How was it, young man, that 1 saw you kissing my daughter in the hall last night?” Young Man: “I suppose, sir, because you happened to be there just at the right time.” NOT A MAN’S LIFE. “Such a double life as his is not altogether manly!” “No. the life he leads at home is no more than a dog’s life!” THE NICER PHRASE. “What’s the difference between a bet and a wager?” asked the man who thinks there are too many words in the English language. “A bet." said the friend who always wears a dress coat after six o’clock, “is something you make with a man which has to be paid, no matter who loses. A wager is something more refined. It’s made with a woman, and is not considered collectable unless she wins.” MAUSER-PROOF. Brill Master (to awkward squad): "A Mauser bullet will go through eighteen inches of solid wood. Remember that, you blockheads.” YANKEE LAWYER. First Attorney: “Yer honor, the long-winded jack-rabbit for the defence has jest referred to me as an ‘outlaw.’ " Second Attorney: "May it please yer honor, I beg the honourable coyote’s pardon—being as he never had any law in him he can’t logically be referred to as out of what he never had!”

Husband—“ Mrs Rostrum thinks the highest wisdom is to realise one's own ignorance.” \\ ife—“Yes; but since she’s found it cut she's been insufferably conceited.” A DART THAT TOLD. Clara (after a tiff): I suppose you would like your ring back? George: Never mind, keep it. No other girl I know could use that ring, unless she wore it on her thumb. WHY HE ASKED FOR IT. Seedy’ Applicant: Won’t you give me a ha'penny, sir? Corpulent Gent: A ha’penny. Why do you ask me for a ha’penny? Seedy Applicant: Because I didn’t think you’d give it me unless I asked for it. THE NEXT BEST THING. Miss Sparkler: No. Mr Churchly, I can never marry you! 1 have a quick temper, extravagant habits, and little money. Rev. Churchly: Then allow me to offer up a short prayer for the man you do.

A DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT. He: What lovely flowers! Do yon know, they remind me of you? She: They are artificial flowers. He: Yes, I know; but it requires close examination to detect it.

A oice from below — “It’s dinner time.” Miek—“l’ll be wid yon in two ticks.” HIS BETTER HALF. ou sign this deed of your own free will, do you, madam?”‘asked the notary public. “What do you mean by that?” demanded the large, red-faced woman. “I mean there has been no compulsion on the part of your husband, has there?” “Him?” she ejaculated, turning to look at the meek little man sitting behind her. “I’d like to see him try to compulse me!” HADN’T BOTHERED WITH DETAILS. Collector: “This is the fifth time I have called to collect this little bill.” Ardup: "Is it really? I haven’t been keeping count. I suppose you are required to keep a record of your visits as a matter of business?” NO WONDER. Brown: There goes a young fellow that’s hated by everybody in his neighbourhood. Jones: What's wrong with him? Brown: He is learning to play a cornet. A girl never believes a man when he tells her he isn’t worthy of her love, but before she has been his wife for a year she discovers that he has told her the truth. WHEN HER TURN CAME. At a dinner party recently a certain enthusiastic golf-player started oil with the whitebait to enumerate to his paitner the details of a match that he had been playing that day. It was not until the dessert was on the table that he suddenly bethought himself that he had been doing all the talking; indeed, the young lady had not said°a single word during the progress of the meal. “I am afraid T have been boring’ you with all this golf talk,” he said, in halfapolog.v. “Oh, no; not at all,” was the pretty girl's polite response; “only, what is golf?” EXTEN U ATING CIRCUMSTANCES. "You see.” said Broncho Bob, “the prisoner offered some extenuating circumstances, so we concluded w’d just put 'im out o’ town instid o’ lynehin’ "im.” "What was the extenuating circumstances?” inquired Rattlesnake Pete. “Well, a bunch o’ papers eame to town containin' all kinds of war news. An' we concluded that this feller was entitled to some consideration for not usin' lyddite or dum-dum bullets.” INCONGRUOUS. “I don’t think I would ever make a political speaker,” said Mr Meekton. "Why not?” “I couldn’t go through the ordeal. The very idea of my standing up and talking for half an hour at a stretch, with Henrietta sitting in the audience not saying a word, makes me nervous,”