The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXIV, Issue XXII, 2 June 1900, Page 1056

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

THE SITUATION IN CHINA. I’at. out of work and intent on emigrating’, anil who has just read poster: “The Situation in China,” in front of newsagent’s shop: “Oi’ve come about that. situation you’re advertisin’.” Newsagent: “What situation, sir?” Pat. pointing to placard: “It’s the wonn in China Oi'm afther.” Newsagent: “Hut that’s on the state of affairs ” Pat: “Sorra. a ha'porth I care whose estate it’s on! Badad Oi’ll take it!” COALS TO NEWCASTLE. Benevolent Individual: “Beg pardon, sir; but 1 am around collecting reading matter for the hospital.” Busy Personage: “Oh! they’ve got plenty of reading matter, loads of it. It isn't a month since I sent them a Sunday paper.” WITH HOOD CAUSE. Highbee: “Mrs Highbee is worried nearly to death.” Wyld: “What over?” Highbee: “She can’t find out anything about the family that moved next door.” MODESTY’S LIMITS. Light-minded Young Thing (in a l»athing-suit): “Surely, Aunt Margaret, you are not going to wear your spectacles in the water?” Aunt Margaret: “Indeed, I am. Nothing shall induce me to take off another thing.” DEVOUTLY WISHED FOR. “Bobby,” cried Tadley, angrily, “my father used to whip me when I behaved as badly as you are doing.’’“Well.” answered Bobby, thoughtfully. “1 hope I’ll never have to tell mv little bov that.” SHE SUITS. Speckles: “That’s the wife of M’Tube. the well-known artist. You see her in some of his best pictures.” Phrekles: “Great Caesar! You don’t mean to tell me she's his model, and a face like that? Speckles: “Certainly: “He's a caricaturist.” THREE TIMES. “My dear madam. I have loved three times unhappily in my life!” “You don’t say so! How dill that happen?” “Oh. it's quite simple! My first love joined a sisterhood, my second married another!” “Ami your third?" "My third? Well, she is now—mv wife!”

NOT COM I’LIM ENTA RY. Doctor: 1 shall not conic again after to-day. Valient: Ah, then, 1 am out of danger.

GRAVITATION. > Slivans: “Got the toothache? Why don't yon hold some whisky in your mouth for a minute?” Blivins: “I’ve 1 tried it, but cannot do it to save my life. It will go down.” FINE BOARD. “What answer did the quartermaster make to the charge that he had fed the regiment for an entire week on nothing but sawdust?” “Why. he said that he had always understood that sawdust was very fine board.” A SLIGHT MISPRINT. In a book dealing with Roman history the hero should have said: “Bring me my toga,” but the unhappy printer brought it up to date by the substitution of a wrong letter, and made him say, “Bring me my togs.” THE LOST TREASURE. “The little dear is lost again,” she said, as soon as she got home. —“Oh, that pug!” “Yes, that pug, if you must talk like a brute, and I want you to advertise for him.” And this is the advertisement as it appeared: “Lost—a sausage-shaped yellow dog, answering, when hungry, to the name of Baby. A reward will be paid for his return to 37 Blank-street, dead or alive.”

WITH A BITE. A sportsman went fishing on a Highland loch, his companion being Sandy M’Kay. The gentleman proved unsuccessful, and, after persevering for a couple of hours, said, “I think we may as well go home now. Sandy; the trout won’t bite to-day.” When they went ashore the sportsman offered the keeper some sherry, which he declined. “I’ve got no whisky,” said the gentleman. “What is your objection to a drop of sherry?” “Weel,” replied Sandy, “it's the same objection as ye hae tae the troot the day —it winna bite.” NOT NECESSARY. She: “You will ask papa, will yon not? Or must I?” He: “Oh! I have seen him. Fact is, he made the suggestion that it was about time for me to propose.” A WISE PRECAUTION. "My son.” said the aged politician, “it is better, especially when you are talking about the enemies in your party, to use only soft and honeyed words. They are much easier to eat should occasion arise.” CALLING AND SEEING. The Young Man: “What objections have you to my calling at your house?” The Father: “None at all. But I thought you might ultimately become tired of not being admitted.”

DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT. Hostess: “Oh, Mr Borum, I’m so glad you’ve come.” Borum (flattered): “Are you really?” Hostess: “Indeed I am. If you hadn’t there would have been thirteen at table.” GAIETY AND MISERY. “To sing means to be gay,” asserted the wife. “And to be gay means misery,” answered the husband, who had endured the torture all evening. REASON ENOUGH. “I have several reasons for not buying the horse,” said the man. “The first is that I haven’t the price, and—” “You needn’t mention the others,” interrupted the owner. COMPLIMENT INDEED. He: “Really, you seem to become younger with each day. I shouldn’t be surprised to see your name in the list of births one of these days.” THE HIGHER CRITICISM. Miss Gabby: “David wrote: ‘All men are liars.’ ” Mr Kostick: “Yes; but he was in too much haste to give his opinion of women, or else he didn’t think it worth while to tell what everybody knew.”

MEAN ALSO. Mrs Jay: “I can say for myself that I never have been mean enough to get another woman’s cook away from her.” Mrs Ben: “Neither have I; but I must confess that once or twice I have tried to work our cook off on some of my neighbours.” A FEMININE INFERENCE. Mr Minks: “Have you called on the new neighbours next door?” Mrs Minks: “Indeed I haven’t, nor I won’t, either. They’re the trashiest kind of -people—poor as church mice, I'll warrant. They sends their washin’ outi. “What of that?” “I s’pose they is ashamed to show the rags in their own yard.” SEVEN IN ALL. “Prisoner, how many barrels of potatoes did you say you stole?” “Seven, your honour: I took three yesterday and two to-day.” “Well, but that’s only five!” “I’m goin’ for the other two when I git out o’ this!” POSTPONING THE JOINT. “I think, Sarah, you had better roast the mutton for dinner and postpone the pork.” Sarah (blankly): “Sure, mum, I can roast and bile and stew wi’ the best, but it's the first time T ever heard of pos-ponin’ a jint.”

PLAIN TALK. Flint: “I am a plain, blunt man, Miss Brisk, and have no time for soft sentimentalities. Will you be my wife?” Maud Brisk: “I am not half so plain as you are, Mr Flint, but just as blunt —No!”

A STAGGERER. Artist (to villager): What a pretty cottage! May I paint it? Villager: Lor’ no! It’s only just been whitewashed. MAKING QUITE SURE. “Is this a Hammersmith train, guard ?” asked the lady, eagerly. “No, madam; jump out, please; other side for Hammersmith.” “Guard, are you quite sure that this train isn’t for Hammersmith?” “No. no, madam! hurry up, please.” She (sweetly): “Oh, I’m so glad! My husband told me last thing, ‘Now, mind you don’t get into a Hammersmith.’ ” “Right.” shouted the guard, madly, and the Wimbledon train proceeded, 30 seconds behind time. PERIODICALLY STYLISH. The leopard cannot change his spots,Yet suffers no chagrin; He knows full well that polka, dots Go out, and then come in. IN THE LAND OF THE CZAR. “What ho, within there!” shouted the traveller in Russia. “Is this an inn?” “No,’’gleefully chuckled the gentleman that came to the door. “ This is a knout.” And he laid it across the sojourner’s back. WITH CAUSE. “You seem much upset, my good man,” remarked the curate, who happened to call when Murkie was laying down the law somewhat emphatically to his family circle. “Hupset?” bellowed Murkie, “I should think I am upset. Our blessed kid’s just set ’isself on fire, an’ biowed if the missus ’ere ain’t bin an’ put it out with my pot o’ beer, an’ me stoney broke, too.” ATTRACTIVE. “ I am so afraid of lightning,” said a handsome coquette, during a thunder shower. “And well you might be,” rejoined one of her victims. “You have a heart of steel.” WHAT ELSE. Schoolmaster: “How dare you laugh at me. you young rascal.” Scholar (meekly): “Please, sir, I wasn’t laughing at you.” Schoolmaster: “Well, I don’t know what else there is to laugh at.” TITS OBSERVATION. She: “Do you believe that bleaching the hair will drive a person insane?” He: “Sure thing! Why, I know two or three fellows who are crazy over bleached blondes.” QUESTION TOO GENERAL. “What was the date of your marriage?” asked the friend of her childhood days. “Which one?” inquired the emotional actress. HOW HE FEELS. Miles: “I wonder how a composer feels when he encounters a man with a hand-organ grinding his tunes?” Giles: “Probably like any other man who has to meet his own notes.”