The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXIV, Issue XVIII, 5 May 1900, Page 854

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

AN EYE TO THE FUTURE. Ardent Lover: When does your birthday come, dear? Object of his Affections: It comes on Christmas Day, Harold. Ardent Lover (with an eye to future economy in the matter of presents): Hood! Let’s be married on Christmas Day, Maud! SPOILED IT FOR HIM. Rev. Mr Goodman: Well. Willie, did you enjoy your dinner? Willie: No; we had company, and 1 had to eat with my fork. NOTHING IN IT. Landlady (noticing' hoarder looking' intently into his soup): What is the Mr Slimdiet; is th re anything in your soup? Mr Slimdiet: I haven’t found anything' yet. IT EXPLAINED EVERYTHING. A boy’s fishing-rod was fastened to the root of a tree on the river bank, and he was sitting in the sun, playing with his dog. idling the time away. He had lieen fishing all the day and caught absolutely nothing. "Fishing?” inquired the man passing. “Yes,” answered the boy. ••Nice dog you have theie. What is his name?” “Fish." replied the boy. "Fis’i! That’s a queer name for a dog. What do you call him that for?” " 'Cause he won’t bite.” Then the man proceeded on his way. A HOPELESS CASE. Mr Satiqsni! (inquiring about his mother-in-law's health, with mock solicitude): Is there any hope, doctor?” Dr. Sarkastiek: No hiq-c; she'll reHIS WORDS RANG TRUE. He: To piove the sire rity of my intentions. I have brought this solitaire adornment for your engagement linger. She: I must say. my friend, that your speech has the true r.ng.

lb 1: What awful fools some fellahs do look and don't know it! She (with smiling irony): They do!

GOING TO BE MARRIED. Mr Guzzle: Ah. Jinks, I hear you are going to lie married. Good thing too. You’ll have some one to keep that cook of yours up to the mark. She wants it! Mr Jinks: Yes. But. you see, it’s the cook I’m going to marry! NO HURRY. Old Gentleman: “My boy, don’t you go to school?” Boy: “Yessir.” “It’s long' after nine, and here you are playing.” “That’s all right. We had a rather late breakfast, and mamma was ’fluid I’d l>e late, so she wrote me an excuse, and I’ve got it in my pocket.”

"You couldn't lend me a ten francs till to-morrow, could you?’ “What a thought reader you are.” PROFESSIONAL ACUMEN. Dasherly: How’s that young doctor getting along' in his profession? Flasherly: Splendidly! He’s discover'd three new diseases already. SHE WAS APPALLED. "We are here to-day and gone tomorrow,” quoted Mr Linger at ten o’clock p.m. or thereabout. Thereupon Miss Gazzam was aghast. "You don’t intend to stay that long, surely?”

CUTTING. The Man in Black: 1 have called, sir, to see if you couldn’t help towards an edition of the Bible for missionary purposes, adorned with choice cuts. The Busy Man: H’m! I thought the cannibals took their choice cuts off the missionaries.

LOST, STOLEN OR STRAYED. A delinquent huitband was thus advertised for in an American newspaper by his loving spouse: —“Lost, strayed, or stolen, an individual whom, in an unguarded moment of loneliness. I was thoughtless enough to adopt as my husband. He is a good looking' and feeble individual, knowing enough, however, to go in when it rains, unless some good looking' girl offered (her umbrella. Answered to the name of John. Was last seen in company with Julia Harris. walking, his arm round her wa’st, looking npore like a fiool, if possible, than ever. Anyone that will catch the poor fellow sind bring him carefully back, so ■that I may chastise 'him for running away, will be asked to stay to ten by Henrietta Sparks.” WILLING TO LOSE HERSELF. "There is one thing enn be truly said of Miss Ogier: she is self-possess-ed.” “True, but I’ll lift you she wishes she wasn’t.”

SLY DOG. Mrs Keyboard: “Why do you always sit at the hotel piano? You can’t play a note!” Old Stokes: “Neither can anyone else while I’m here.” ONE OF MANY. New Cook: “What does your husband like for breakfast, ma’am?” Mrs Growells: “Oh, lie likes anything we haven’t got.” THE FIRST MORTGAGE. Naturally, when Eve took to dress, the eon pie soon had to give up their real estate. Doubtless with the first garment that went on to Eve a mortgage went on to the Garden of Eden. TWO PHASES. “What is bad form?” “It is doing things in a way other people have quit doing them or doing them in a way they have not yet heard of.” WAITING. Mr Skinflint (to waiter): “Don’t you get tired of waiting?” Waiter: “Yes, for a tip.” PAR ENT AL Dll’ LOMACY. “But what are your objections to the young man?” asked the mother. “None,” answered the other half of the management of the young woman. "Then why did you refuse his request for Ethel’s hand?” “Only for the dear child’s good. If he has any spirit at all he will go ahead and marry her anyhow, and if he don’t, she is well rid of him.”

He: Forgive me. 1 really didn’t mean what I said. 1 spoke without 1 bought. She: Oh! I never doubted that for a moment! A SAUCY HOPEFUL. “See here, my son. tell me honestly, don’t you consider cigarette smoking i njiirious?" “For a urnn of your age, yes, daddy — don’t begin.” MAKING IT GOOD. Customer (to head waiter): “Here, sir. this clumsy fellow has spilled over half of my cup of tea down my back.” Head Waiter (to clumsy waiter, sternly): “Bring this gentleman a full cup of tea instantly.” A FOOLISH QUESTION. Mamma: “My dear, where have you lieen all this time?” Daughter: “Sitting up with a sick friend.” Mamma: “Nonsense. 1 believe you've been in the parlour all the time with that Mr SofHeigh.” Daughter: “Well, ma, he’s lovesick.”

NO TIME FOR RASH ACTION. She: “You hesitated when I asked you if 1 were the only girl you had ever loved.” He: “Yes; 1 couldn’t tell from your expression whether you want me to say ’no’ or ’yes.’”

“What is honesty, mat’s what I'd like to know.” “What’s that got to do with you? Don’t you trouble about things what don’t concern yer.”

A LIFE OF TERROR. “What is a bachelor. Aunt Martha?” “O, he’s a. man who thinks every girl that looks at him intends to marry him.” WHERE LOVE IS. He (a diffident young tailor): “I’m sure. Miss De Courcey, I would be only too glad to press my suit if—” She: “Please don't talk shop, Mr Snippington.” A COOL IMPUDENCE. "This certainly is what I call coql impudence.” said the professor, as he sat down to lunch.” "" hat is?” the other asked him. "This Chili sauce.” NEEDED SYMPATHY. “Ah!” said the good old lady who was visiting the prisoners, “how your poor wife must weep as she thinks of you here.” “Which one, ma’am?” asked the convict addressed. “I’m up for bigamy.” DISAGREED. Nippon: Hear about Clark being in a railroad accident? Bad.y hurt, too. Tuck: Will he recover? Nippon: Well, I don't know; his lawyer says he can, but his doctor says he can’t. BOOMERANG. Watts: Since my wife has gone in for athletics life has been one round of excitement, but the culmination came hist week. Potts: What happened? Watts: Why. I was fool enough to show her one of those newspaper articles proving that housework is the best athletic exercise possible. And now she does nothing but sweep and dust all day long. ONE STYLE OF SATIRE. “This cartoon of yours has a certain element of humour in it,” remarked the editor of the Paris Scavengeur. “Yes.” answered the artist. “I tried to supply that.” “Well, don’t do it again. It destroys the artistic symmetry of your work. You must try to learn to be vulgar without being funny.” EXTREME CANDOUR. “I noticed,” said the candidate, “that you said I was in a fair way to be elected.” “Wasn’t that correct?” “Oh, it’ll do well for popular purposes, although there is no use of nnv of us people O'i the inside trying to hug delusions. I’m in a wav to be elected all right. But I dunno ns it’ll lie so very fair.” A GENIUS. Customer: “Look here, I want to change this coat I bought, yesterday. My wife doesn’t like it.” Heidelberg: “Change that, cont? You must lie crazy! That’s the finest piece of goods yon ever wore. 1 tell you what, my friend, you’d liettcr keep that coat and go home and change your wife!”