Some More Anecdotes.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXIII, Issue XIX, 4 November 1899, Page 830

Some More Anecdotes.

OF NO USE TO HER.

The other day a woman came to a grocery store where she saw in the window some fresh looking eggs. So she went in and asked the grocer if they were good. “Yes, ma’am,” says the grocer, “they can’t be beaten.’ “Oh,” says the old lady, “they are no use to me if they can’t be beaten, as I want them for a cake

“GRACE AT ALL TIMES.”

“Weary Willie” and "Tired Tim” were walking across a paddock, wondering which way they could get through the the tall gorse fence that surrounded them on every side, when Weary Willie, turning round rather quickly, saw a bull coming, or rather rushing towards them. “Tim,” said he, “that bull looks as if he is coming for us.” “What shall w e do? We can’t git out and we can’t git over.” “Ah,” said Tired Tim, with a solemn face, “I do now remember a prayer- my mother taught me when I was but a three-year-old,” and taking his mate’s hand, he said the following grace: “For what we are about to receive may the Lord make us truly thankful.”

THE NEW MAMMA.

A widower married a second time, and his choice was a wealthy lady about fifty years of age. When the bride and bridegroom returned home from the wedding the husband, introducing the wife to his children, said: “My dear children, kiss this lady. She is the new mamma I promised to bring you.” After taking a steady look at the “new mamma,” little Charlie exclaimed: “Papa, you have been cheated! She isn't new at all!”

“NO TALKEE ENGLISHEE.”

A Chinaman was once “hauled up” before a magistrate, and charged with some offence. In reply to His Worship’s usual query as to whether he pleaded guilty or not guilty, he would only a nswer: “Me no sabbee. Me no talkee Englishee.” e The magistrate, however, who was quite accustomed to this proceeding on the part of many Celestials who eame before him, turned to him and said: “That answer won’t do for me. You know English well enough, I’ll be bound.” “Me no sabbee. .Me no sabbee,” were the only words to be drawn from the obstinate Chinkey; and no Chinese interpreter being in Court, the magistrate taking the matter into his own hands, directed the case to be proceeded with, as if the accused had pleaded , “not guilty.” After hearing the evidence of the witnesses, the accused was fined ten dollars and eosts. The elerk to the bench, who was a bit of a wag, called out to the accused: “John, you are fined twenty-five dollars and costs.” “No, no!” promptly replied the non-English speaking Chinee; “he say me fined only ten dollars and costee.”

PAT WAS MARRIED.

A native of Ireland, landing in Greenock, wanted to take the train to Glasgow. Never having been in a railway station before, he did not know how to get his ticket. Seeing a lady, however, going in, Pat thought he would follow her, and he would soon know how to get abroad. The laxly, on going to the ticket-box, placed down her money, and said:

“Mary Hill, single.” (Mary Hill is a suburb of Glasgow.) Her ticket was duly handed to her, and she walked off. Pat, .thinking it was all right, put down his money, and shouted:

“Patrick Murphy, married.”

An Irish hen-wife from Otahuhu went into the City Market with a live cock, which had lost an eye in warfare. While exposing the bird for sale, a man offered her “three bob” for it. “Be aff wid yez,” exclaimed Biddy; “three bob for a cock, like that!” “Wey, hinney,” said the man, “it has only yen eye.” “Wan eye, did ye say?” roared Biddy. “It’s you has wan eye. Can’t ye say that the intelligent crater is giving me the wink n.ot to take your price?"

THEN THEY LAUGHED. ' It was when the travelling circys made its appearance. The ordinary large crowd was there standing round listening to the musie and loafing about. The small boys were also there waiting for any possible opportunities which might arise of getting in without payment. A man went up to one group of urehins. “Want to go in, boys?” said he. “Rather,” eame in a chorus from the lads.

They marched in front of the official at the pay-box. “Count these boys,” said the man; and the guardsman of the wonderful exhibition numbered the grinning lads with his finger as they rushed by him and scattered on seats inside. “One, two, three,” counted the official, and finally announced eleven. “All right, said the man. “All right; that’s all,” and he turned away. “Hold on, there; aren’t you going to pay for these boys?” “Pay for ’em?” said the stranger. “Not me. I said nothing about paying for ’em. I wanted to know howmany there were. You circus men are good at figures and I ain’t. I asked you to count them. Much obliged,” and away he went, astonishment preventing the official from making any further effort to stop him. mright ahoffiPlil

JERRY’S MISTAKE.

Jerry and Mike were two dock labourers, and both partial to a “dhrop o’ the craythur.” “Could ye dhrink a wee dhrop o’ whisky?” asked Jerry one morning. “Sure, an’ can a frog shwim!” replied Mike; “but whaar can ye git it?” “Whist!” said Jerry. “Mum’s the word! It is shtored in the fust flure beyant.” I

“But the dure’s locked?” queried Mike.

“Ye Omadhaun!” ejaculated Jerry. “Come wid me.”

So they descended into the semi-dark cellar, and Jerry, having explained that he had located a cask of whisky, proceeded to bore through the flooring above with an auger, and so inks the eask. Jerry held a bucket and eanght the liquor. “Sure, an’ the cask must ha’ been narely empty,” said Mike, “for the bucket's not full.”

However, they each dipped in their pannikin, and took “a long pull and a strong pull,” but

“Oogh!” they both exclaimed, as dashing down their pannikins, they doubled themselves up, Jerry groaning, “It’s pisoned I am, intirely”; while Mike made for his pal, yelling, “Ye murdherin’ spalpeen, ye’ve kilt me!”

Discretion, however, prevailed, and they ultimately discovered that they had broached an old whisky cask filled with pickled pork, and had drawn off and drunk the brine

HIS OPINION OF HIS COUNSEL.

Assize prisoners have occasionally but little faith in the ability of counsel assigned for their defence. Not long ago a prisoner was informed by the judge that his defence would be undertaken by X, “and,” added his lordship, “that will cost you nuthing.” Prisoner, however, held a different view, and was heard to remark that his lordship “hadn’t done the straight thing, nohow.” “What do you mean, sir?” asked the judge, sternly. “Well,” said the prisoner, “you said as the Court would provide counsel, and it was a-goin’ to eost me nothing. If that’s my counsel,” he continued, indicating the rather diminutive gentleman who had been set apart for the defence, “it’s a-goin’ to cost me ten years, an’ no less.”

A Scotchman was once advised fp fake shower-baths. A friend explained to him how to fit up one by the use of a cistern and colander, and Sandy accordingly set to work, and had the thing done at once. Subsequently he was met by the friend who had given him the advice, and being asked how he enjoyed the bath; “Man,” said he, “it was fine. I liked it rale weel, and kept myself quite dry, too.” Being asked how he managed to take the shower-bath and yet remain dry, he replied: “Dod, ye dinna surely think I was sae daft as to stand below the water withoot an umbrella.”