SOME MORE ANECDOTES.

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXIII, Issue XII, 16 September 1899, Page 496

SOME MORE ANECDOTES.

The other day a handsomely dressed young lady entered a crowded Parnell bus, and as nobody offered her a seat, a long whiskered old gentleman, who was rather meanly dressed, got up and said, “Miss, take my seat; I don't look so smart as some of the gentlemen present, but I have discovered that I have more politeness.” The young woman sat down without

thanking the gentleman either by word or look. He was very much vexed at this and determined to teach her a lesson. “Miss, said he, with a smile, “I believe I left my pocket book on that seat. Will you please get up?” The young woman did as requested. The old fellow sat down, and stroking his whiskers, remarked: “I fancy- I had better remain in this seat, miss. I've got a little more politeness than these gentlemen; but I’ve discovered that I haven't nearly so much sense.” ® ® ® ARTEMUS WARD'S LAST JOKE. Joseph Jefferson, in his autobiography in the “August Century,” relates what was probably the last jest of Artemus Ward. When the famous wit lay dying in Southampton he was tended by his devoted friend “Tom” Robertson, the English playwright, who was also a friend of Jefferson. “Just before Ward's death,” writes Mi Jefferson, “Robertson poured out some medicine in a glass and offered it to his friend. Ward said: ‘My dear Tom. I can’t take that dreadful stuff.’ ‘Come come.’ said Robertson, urging him to swallow the nauseous drug; ‘there’s a dear fellow. Do now, for my sake; you know- I would do anything for you.’ ‘Would you?’ said Ward, feebly stretching out his hand to grasp his friend's, perhaps for the lasttime. ‘I would indeed,’ said Robertson. ‘Then you take it,’ said Ward. The humourist passed away but a few hours afterward.” ® ® ® Pat: Moike, th’ teels me as yex have quit worruking in the powder factory. Was it too dangerous? Mike: Dangerous? Well, be gob! I belave if I had worruked there till now- I’d a be’n dead a year ago. ® ® ® Father: “How is it y-ou’ve got such a bad school report, Tommy?” Tommy: “It must be because you ain't paid last term's bill, father.” ® ® ® A doctor, passing a stonemason’s shop called out, “Good morning Mr D! Hard at work? I see you finish your gravestones as far as Tn the memory- of,’ and then wait, I suppose, to see who wants a monumentnext?” “Why, yes, replied the old man, “unless somebody's ill and you are doctoring him, then I keep straight on.” ® ® ® Some years ago a number of army officers were stopping at an hotel in Washington. Among them were Captains’ Jones and Emerson. Jones and Emerson used to have a good deal of fun together, at the table and elsewhere. One day-, at the dinner ,t:J>le, when the dining-hall was well filled, Captain Jones finished his dinner first, got up, and walked almost to the din-ing-room door, when Emerson called to him in a loud voice: “Halloa, Captain! See here; I want to speak to you a minute.” The captain turne'd and walked back to the table, and bent over him, when Emerson whispered “I wanted to ask you how far you would have gone if I had not called you.” The captain never changed a muscle, but straightened up, and put his fingers into his vest pocket and said, “Captain Emerson, I don’t know of a man in the world I would rather lend five dollars to than you; but the fact is I haven’t a cent with me today;” and he turned on his heel and walked away-. Emerson was the colour of half-a-dozen rainbows, but he had to stand it. ® ® ® A gentleman was one day having a walk down a lane with a gun in his hand to see what he could shoot. While he was going down the lane he met a little schoolboy, and said to him: “Is there anything to shoot down here, my little boy?” “Rather,” said the boy, “there’s the schoolmaster coming over the hill.”

Two neighbours had a long litigation about a small spring which they both claimed. The judge, wearied out with the case, at last said, “What is the use of making so much fuss about a little water?” “Your Honour will see the serious nature of the case,” replied one of the lawyers, “when I inform you that the parties are both milkmen.” The roar of laughter which followed proved that the entire audience saw the point. ® ® ® An Irishman of pugilistic appearance rushed to the house of a neighbour, much excited with torn garments and face besmeared with blood. “Are you in, Moike?” he shouted. “I am,” was the reply. “Well thin jist follow me and stand outside the hotel, there are siveral men o'ive been foighting, and I want you to stand outside and count thim as I chuck thim out of the window.” Moike in haste followed and did as he was asked. Pat entered. Presently a man came flying through the window, and Moike as asked, shouted one. “Sthop counting, its misilf.” ® ® ® A gentleman of the Hebracip persuasion possessed a small boat, and occasionally- invited a co-religionist and boon companion to venture on the ocean for a short sail. During one of these trips a squall suddenly came on, and the proprietor, while attempting to turn the course of the craft, was pitched overboard. As he was struggling and fighting with the waves and making futile attempts to reach the vessel, his friend peered out anxiously at him over the side and ejaculated:’ fhay fkey, if y-ou don't come up the third time, can I have the boat?” ® ® ® An old Scotch schoolmaster was once “doing the sights” of Westminster Abbey with a friend. Passing a famous tomb his friend saw- the motto, “Ex nihilo nihil fit.” He was very eager to find the meaning of these words, so asked the schoolmaster to translate them. “Weel Jamie,” quoth he, “I dinna ken the leetral translation, but it simply means “Ye canna tak the breeks off aTlielanman.” ® ® ® THE CORONER AND THE FLEA. During an inquest at Whitechapel the Coroner was noticed to be uneasy. Once or twice he made a dash as if to catch some elusive object on his table, and at last, addressing the jury said: “Gentlemen, I have a witness here that I do not require. For the last few minutes there has been a flea hopping about the table. I have made several attempt to catch him, but failed. I do not see it now. Perhaps it has left the Court.” ® ® ® A PREMATURE CONCLUSION. A party of London Cockneys, from the classic groves of Whitechapel, had for the benefit of local charity gotten up an amateur performance, ‘and had ambitiously chosen for their laudable object, “King Richard III.” “Owing to the company not bein°strong enough for the cast they had considerably altered the text, aiid for the same reason had pressed into their service the scene shifter, who, however, was given only one line.

On the night of the performance, this embryo Irving, doubtless overcome by the novelty of his surroundings, and imbued with th e idea that the. success of the play- hung upon his individual efforts, mistook his cue, and several scenes before he should have appeared, to the amazement of the spectators, and horror of the performers. rushed on the stage, and in stentorian tones announced, “M e Lord, me Lord. We ’ave caught the Duke o.’ Buckin’um, and 'ave cut off ’is ’ead,” to which the King, knowing that the Duke had yet to appear several times, amidst peals of laughter from the audience, indignantly- and in accents of withering scorn replied, “Oh. yer ’ave, ’ave yer; then yer ’ave spoiled’ the ’ole bloomin’ show.” Tableau: Curtain. ® ® ® “My Dear Pat, —I am sending me onld coat by parcel post. I've cut the buttons off so that it should be lighter, and you’ll find them in the breast pocket.”