The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXIII, Issue IX, 26 August 1899, Page 48

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

SWEET SOLITUDE. Mrs Youngwife: Thank goodness. I've got the worst of my spring cleaning done. Mrs Naybor: What, all by yourself? Mrs Yonngwife: M-m-no. 1 got my husband to-day to take up the earpets and beat them, and take the beds apart and polish the furniture, and— Mrs Naybor: Oh. then he stayed home all day? Mrs Yonngwife: Yes. He said he felt so bad and he looked so wretched when he got up tins morning that I just wouldn't let him go to the office. A SINIRTING CABDRIVER. One evening—it was the evening when we had the news that Kipling's crisis was pa sit—says a correspondent of the “West End." T was reading m\ paper in the hansom that conveyed me h<me. As T stepped out. I handed rhe paper to the cabman. “Kipling's all right." 1 said. The cabman took the paper, ami leaned down with a puzzled look on his face. “I don't seem to know the name o' the "oss." he said. A GREATER PLEASURE. Deaeon Goode: "Ah. my dear sir. you talk of your pleasures, but wiiai are they to the joy which comes from self-denial?" The Agnostic: "If it is such a pleasure to deny yourself, what merit is there in denying? Why not deny denying yourself, and so yon have the pleasure of denial plus the pleasure of doing what vou want to do." ENGAGED. Tramp: “Can 1 see the lady of the house?" Bridget: “No. she's engaged." Tramp: “That won't make any difference. I don't want ter marry her." A COMMON PREDICAMENT. Smith: "Well, but if you can't bear her. whatever made you propose?" Jones: "Well, we had danced three times, and I couldn't think of anything else to say." HAPPY INDEED. She: “Don't care for the turf? S'|m»sc vou'ie above it?" He: H'm! Happy t say I am." UNJUST. “H's an unjust >Z oceeding." sail Finnigan. "What"" "They accuse me of selling liquor withe it a license, ami when 1 apply for one thev won't give it to me."

A QUESTION OE LEGALITY. Uabbv: Ere wot's this for? Reggie: That's your legal fare. Cabby: It may be my legal fare, but (savagelv) that’ain’t your legal wife.

A DELICATE QUESTION TO ASK. Many good stories are told of questions ami answers in the course of examinations at Oxford or Cambridge. One of them is as follows:—-In time gone by the fair sex used to drop into the schools and listen to the “viva voce." An examiner one day put this question: “Can you mention anything in the history of Joseph which shows that he had a tender conscience?” “Haw!" hemmed the examinee, a heavy swell, and leaning across thi table, he muttered in a stage whisper. “Haw. sir. ladies are present!" PERJURY "Your name is Julia Miller?” "Yes. sir." "Tell me hoy old you are.” Twenty-five, sir." 'Well, now that you have given your age. we will administer the oath.” NEW M \N. Philanthropic Old Lady: "I fear that you lack application and persistency. When you once Itegin a good thing, never stop till you have finished it-" Toil Not Orspin: “A'ou conwinee ne. leddy. That'll be my motter from iow < n. I was only goin' ter eat half of this here pun'kin pie. but I’ll finish it ef it founders me. v ou has made a new man o'me. leddv.”

CUTE. Ijulv of the House (to pedlar): If vou do not go awav I'll whistle for ill.- dog. Pushing Pedlar: Then let me sell you a whistle, mum. ON HIS DIGNITY. She: "Will you speak to papa?" tie: “Never, unless he speaks to me first. It would be unjust to you and to me. my dear, for he dropped me l>ecause I adored you. Any advance towards a reconciliation must be made by him." AN INTERPRETATION. “I never could understand jist what Shakespeare means by 'Heaven save the mark.' " said the man who made the beer an excuse for assimilating the lunch, rather than vice versa. “Well." said the barkeeper, thoughtfully removing the olives and leaving nothing but the eraekers. “it can't l»e denied that most marks, especially the easy kind, needs some kind of protection." The foregoing tends to show that even those in the humbler walks may )>e ca|>able of interpreting the subtleties of literature. A POOR BEGINNING. Her Husband (going on the Continent): lavok here. Arabella, from now vou ami 1 will speak nothing but french." Arabella: Oui. Her Husband: What did you say? \ POPULAR FALLACY. Vesuvius has gained in height ISO feet in the last six months: so it seems that smoking does not always result in stunted growth.

THE MODERN WAY. laidy (to servant whom she is about to engage): “And do you understand how to take care of a bicycle ami keep it elean?" Servant: "No. ma'am, but 1 can give you the address of the place where I get mine cleaned!" A HARDENED PATIENT. Doctor: "Now. here is the prescription. and it will lie bad stuff to take. Can you tolerate something disagreeable?" Patient: "Can 1? Why. doctor, you met my wife.” SUCH A HAPPY REMARK. Wife of Patient: “I'm so sorry, doctor. to bring you all the way to Hampstead to see my husband.” Dwtor (from Mayfair): “Pray don't mention it. my dear woman. 1 have another patient in this neighbourhood. so I'm killing two birds with one stone!"—"Punch." A MATRIMONIAL TIEF. Wifey: “Don't think that you are the only man. I refused one a month liefore we were engaged." Hubby: “Who was the —er —happy man ?" THE DUNEDIN FOOTBALLERS. Friend: “Does your town boast of a football team?" Dunedinite: "No: we used to boast of one. but we have to apologise for i t now.” IN THE LOBBY. "No." said Mr Seddon. “1 don't go to the theatre." "But don't you think it is well for yon to get your mind off your business for a few hours?" "Not for a minute. The Opposition has been waiting for years for some such ehance.” FITTING HAT. "That's a swell hat you are wearing." said the city editor. "Just look what a swell head it is on." answered the court reporter, in thoughtless haste. A DISCIPLE OF THE CZAR. Mrs Nagger (at her first husband's grave): "Here lies a true hero. You wouldn't lie my husband to-day if he had not been killed in the war." Mr Nagger (sadly): "What'a curse A SURE SIGN. Jenks: "That baby of yours ought to lie a good tennis player later on." Jones: "What makes you think so?" Jenks: "Oh. the way he keeps up his racket." A DANGEROUS INDULGENCE. “There's only one drawback to a day off." "What's that?" "*t makes vou want another dav off."

SMALL CONS!ILATION. Mike: An' phy can't Oi go in sw mimin'? Mrs Murphy: 'Cause ye don't knowhow. darlint. But jist's soon as ye can swim Oi'H not hav' th' laste objictions to yure goin' into the wather.

HARD. Nodd: "My wife has to get up a dozen times every night to look after the Itabv.” Totld:* "That's hard.” Nodd: “Hartl isn't the word. She wakes me up almost every time.” BOWLED OUT. Reverend Softhead: "What. Tommy, playing cricket on Sunday! I shall call on your father, and tell him about this.” Tommy: “Please, sir. why don't you tell him now? That's him keeping wicket at the other end." NO BEGGAR. Mrs Grimes: “Mr Gushwell was real good, wasn't he?" Relict of Departed Politician: “Yes; but one thing I didn't like: what he said alanit Tom having filled every office in the gift of the people. Tom was no beggar; whatever he got he (laid for.”

DIDN'T DEAL IN FREAKS. Col. Corkwright: 1 want to buy a dog. 1 don't know- what they call the breed, but it is something the shape of a greyhound, with a short curly tail and rough hair. Do you keep dogs like that? Fancier: No. I drowns ’em. EXTREMES MEET. "Extremes often meet,” remarked the rainwater philosopher. No one entered into the dispute, so he continued: "A girl's first ehance is offer her last." WOMAN. “Woman is a contradictory creature." "Well. I should assent. Just when her eyes are flashing fire is when she assumes her chilliest demeanour." NATURAL. Clerk: I can't read this letter, sir The writing is very bad. Mr Flar. up: Pshaw, any donkey ean read it; pass it here. PURE METAPHOR. "If her husband keeps on he will bring her grey hairs in sorrow to the grave." "Never. If it comes to that she'll dye them to the end.” NO EXCEPTIONS. He: "What a perfect fool I've been." She: "My dear, don’t be so conceited: no one is perfect.” REALITY. Edie: Hasn't your mama given you a dear little baby doll? Emmie: Oil. yes. my mamma has just liought a new one for our house. Yours is only sawdust, but ours is a real meat baby! THE CHIEF OF BRUTES. Instructor: "What does Condillac say about the brutes in the scale of being?" Student: “He says a brute is an imperfect man.” Instructor: “And what is man?” Student: “Man is a perfect brute.” A GROWN MAN. Mother: "Ah! Now you're a little man.” Fred (in trousers for the first time): “And now. ma. can’t I eall father Harry?” A POWERFUL AGENT. "Talk about the police being incapable." said he; “look how quickly they have broken up that crowd. It is melting like ice before a furnace.” “You are mistaken, my friend.” replied the man of observation: “there is not a policeman in sight.” “What is it. then?” "Merely an outdoor entertainment of some kind, and one of the performers is just going round with the hat.”