The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXI, Issue XXIV, 10 December 1898, Page 772

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

NOT RESPONSIBLE. Willie Rockingham: ‘Yaws, Miss Gussie, I would get married, but 1 dwead the responsibility.’ Miss Gussie: ‘Oh, no one would hold you responsible. The responsibility tor such a thing would rest with the woman who married you.’ A MODERN BUDDHIST. Funny Passenger (the conversation t urningon the hard life of the horses): "Ah, I see- you’re not a believer in the transmigration of souls!’ Driver: ‘Well, I don't know, sir. For my part I likes ’em fried in the usual way!’ A VALUABLE STUTTER. ■Never was glad for this im-im-pedinient in my speech but once,’ said the man from Dearborn, who was in to see the big parade. ‘When was that?’ Fe-fe-fel-low asked me h-h--liow much I would take for a-a horse, and while I-I-I was t-trying to tell him s-s-sixty d-dollars, he offered me a hundred.’ THE WORM’S TRIUMPH. Old Grinders: See here, young man, how do you account for the fact that you were seven minutes late in getting to the office this morning? Weary Employee: I don’t account for it at all. I've just succeeded in getting another job. WHY? Insurance Agent: We can’t insure you. Old Man: Why not? Insurance Agent: You are 94 years old. Old Man: What of that? Statistics will tell you that fewer men die at 94 than at any other age. AN EYE TO BUSINESS. Frugal Girl: ‘Wasn't it noble in that Vassar girl to save three men from drowning?’ ‘Yes—a husband for herself and two other girls.’ NO WONDER. ‘Arthur, our physician wants to send me to a summer resort for four weeks.' Husband: ‘Well, 1 can’t blame him.’ NO GETTING AWAY FROM THEM. Wallace: What do you deem the most charming age in woman? Ferry: From my observation, a woman of about 35 is harder to get. away from than any other. EXCEPTIONAL VALUE. Juvenile Nurse (speaking of her brother in the pram.): ‘Yes, an’ he ain’t got no wices at- all. He don’t smoke, drink, or chew terbacker, an’ he don’t want no latch key.’ Her Friend: ‘Lor", wot a husband he’d make!’ A TEST CASE. ‘Pat, here's some good whisky I want you to try. Which will you take, a toddy or a punch?’ ‘Begorra, sor, Oi’ll have to thry ’em hot’ befoor Oi kin decoide.’ WHERE SHAKESPEARE FAILED. ‘lt beats me,’mused the modern theatre manager: ‘this here William Shakespeare wrote the play of “Hamlet,” in which Ophelia gets drowned, yet he leaves the drowning scene out.’ ‘lt does seem queer,* observed the stage carpenter, with a touch of vanitv; ‘but maybe he didn't know how to make a tank.’

a A VITAL LANGUAGE. ‘The English language lacks a lot of being a dead language.’ ‘Yes; and it is a wonder, too. It gets butchered so much.’ BUSINESS IS BUSINESS. Mrs Barton leaned over the fence to explain the advantages of fire insurance to Mrs McCarthy. ‘Even if you never have a big fire it’s useful,’ she said, ‘for if a coal pops out on the hearthrug and burns it, or if the clothes that are airing should catch alight, you can claim for the damage, and you only have J o pay a few shillings a year for the insurance.’ ‘And if there's no fires,’ inquired Mrs McCarthy, ‘I suppose they return the money you’ve paid them?’ And Mrs Barton said she was not quite sure on this point, but she would ask her husband.

She: If you won't come along 1 shall go out alone! Do you think with my new £25 dress I’m not going to show myself on the street? He: ‘O, I’ll be with you as soon as I trim the ragged edges of my trouser legs!’

THE STRANGE PART OF IT. Mrs Wedderly: Yes, my husband and I met and became engaged at the seaside. Mrs Van Laub: Dear me. how singular! ‘I don’t see anything so remarkable about it. Young folks are always getting engaged at the seaside.’ "1 know, but you seem to have subsequently got married to each other.’ IMPRESSED HER. Briggs: That was a great dance. I hope I made an impression on that girl. Griggs: I guess you did. She has been limping ever since. WHAT MADDENED HER. ‘She sent mv letter back unopened.’ •Why?’ •She said the postman who delivered it kicked her dog.’ TIME NO OBJECT. Hostess: But when you got so far North that the nights were three months long it must have been inexpressibly dreary. How did you put in your time? Arctic Explorer: Madam, we devoted the evening to a game of chess. HAVE IT OVER. She: I will consent to be your wife on one condition. He: Name it. She: That you will stop smoking. He: All right; but let’s make the engagement very short. THAT’S HOW IT IS. ‘Don’t misunderstand me,’ said Meandering Mike: ‘I ain’t down on work.’ ‘You don’t seem to have much affection fur it,’ replied Plodding Pete. ‘Yes I have. Work is a good t'ing. If it wasn’t fuT work how would all dese people git money to give us?'

ROUGH ON THE M.P. On one occasion an M.P. of a past generation, not noted for his habits of personal tidiness, was visiting a seaside place, and one day, while out in a yacht with a sailing party, he was swept overboard, but was happily rescued. When the excitement was over a young fellow rushed down into the cabin. ‘By Jove!’ he exclaimed,‘we’ve been having such an exciting time on deck.’ ‘What is it?’ asked everybody. ‘Mr Blank was washed overboard.’ ‘l’m glad of it,’ snapped a fastidious matron. Everybody was horrified. ‘Well, I am,’ she explained. ‘Just think of that man being washed on board.’ HIGH AND LOW WORDS. Judge: Do I understand you to say that the parties used high words? Witness: Their voices were unusually high, but their words were extremely low. MORE EXPERIENCE. ‘I dunno’s I kin git my money back,’ said Mr Corntossel, as he ruefully rubbed his brow. ‘But I must say as how I ain’t going to recommend any customers to that concern.’ 'Have you been makin’ investments?’ ‘ I sent a dollar to a man who advertised that he would tell a sure way to make money fast.’ ‘Didn’t you get any answer?’ ‘Yes. He says to “put glue on it.” ’

THE MEAT.

‘Take it away!’ shouted the King of Bkplo. ‘What on earth is the matter with the meat? Are you trying to poison me?’ ‘lt must have been,’ the chief humbly explained, ‘that the gentleman I cooked this afternoon was a bitter sectarian.’

Miss Newlove: ‘Auntie, would you consider an engagement ring set with an opal unlucky?’ Her Aunt: ‘Gracious me! No, child.’

NO INDUCEMENT. ‘Wouldn’t you like to live your life over again?’ ‘And owe twice as much as I do now? Well I guess not.’ REMINDERS. ‘We are in danger.’ said one Spanish statesman, ‘of sinking into oblivion; of being almost forgotten by the rest of the world.’ ‘Never!’ replied the other, proudly. ‘We still have our debts.’ AN UNFORTUNATE. Smith: Great time we had at the elub last night, eh? ‘Jones: You bet! Did you get home all right? ‘No, I was arrested before I got there, and spent the night in a station house.’ ‘Lucky dog! I reached home.’

ETERNAL HOPE.

Mrs Noear: Do you think my daughter will be a musician? Professor: I gant zay. She may. She dell me she gome of a long-lived vamily.

SHE BOUGHT THE GLOVES. ‘Let me see some of your black kid gloves,’ said Mrs Snaggs. ‘These are not the latest styles, are they?’ when the gloves were produced. ‘Yes, madam,’ replied the shopman, ‘we have had them in stock only two days.’ ‘I didn’t think they were, because the fashionable paper says that black kids have tan stitches, and vice versa. I see the tan stitches, but not the vice versa.’ The shopman explained that vice versa was Latin for seven buttons, and Mrs Snaggs bought the gloves.

A WISE YOUNG MAN. She: Why don’t you get a wheel—don’t you think you would enjoy riding one? He: Oh, yes, I’d enjoy it all right, but I can’t afford one. ‘But they are cheap now and you can buy one on credit almost anywhere.’ ‘Y’es, I know; it’s easy to run in debt, but I’m afraid it would be rather difficult to ride a wheel out of it.’ FAIR WARNING. •John Henry,’ said Mrs Strongmind as she shook her finger threateningly at her husband, ‘the next time you get up in the night and go through my pockets I shall send you home to your father.’ THE REASON WHY. ■So you call your dog Dewey, do ytou? It seems to me that he’s a very homely looking cur to be honoured with such a name.’ ‘But Dewey is an especially appropriate name for this dog.’ ‘How so?’ ‘lt doesn’t matter what he happens to be doing, he’s always ready to suspend operations for breakfast.’ THE HARMLESS MOUSE. ‘Did you read this, dear?’ said Mrs Grigsby to Orlando the other night. ‘lt’s a strange case. A harmless lunatic imagines that he’s a grain of corn, and will not go into the yard lest a chicken eat him. Isn’t it an odd delusion?’ ‘Oh, the world’s full of such delusions, dear,’ said Grigsby. ‘I know a harmless lunatic who seems to imagine she’s a piece of cheese, and she will fly from a room when a mouse enters it for fear the little creature will devour her.’ THE ENTIRE ARSENAL. She looked up at him from over the rims of her heavy bowed spectacles. ‘This suggestion of the Russian Czar’s seems like a very good idea, Richard,’ she said in her deep alto voice. ‘Yes, Maria, it is—l mean it does.’ ‘As I understand it,’ she went on without heeding his remark, ‘he wants us to lay down the sword, and the musket, and the cannon, and, and—‘The rolling pin, the broom and the flat iron,’ he put in with a hard, dry chuckle. ‘Richard! ’ She glared at him fiercely for a moment and then resumed her reading. INFERNAL MACHINES. Mirs Chugwater: Josiah, 1 see a good deal in the papers about infernal machines. What is an infernal machine? Mr Chugwater: Well, sometimes I think it’s a lawn mower an sometimes I think it's a piano. A TOUCHING SCENE. A creditor calls upon a debtor, whom he finds at dinner, busy carving a t u rkey. ‘Now, sir,’ said the visitor, ‘are you going to pay me soon?’ ‘I should only be too glad, my dear sir; but it is impossible; I am cleared out, ruined; I haven’t a stiver.’ ‘Why, sir, when a man cannot pay his debts, he has no business to be eating a turkey like that.’ ‘Alas! my dear sir,’ said the debtor, lifting the serviette to his eyes, as though deeply affected, ‘I couldn’t afford to keep it!’