The Graphic's Funny Leaf

New Zealand Graphic, Volume XXI, Issue IX, 27 August 1898, Page 288

The Graphic's Funny Leaf

LE KOI L’AMVSE. ‘ What, ho !’ the merry monarch roared, In manner free and frisky. ‘ Bring hither to the royal board A tumbler full of whisky !’ Scarce had the monarch ceased to call When, like a steed that’s hobbled, In through the portals of the hall A tipsy gymnast wabbled. * A high ball !’ then the King did cry, ‘Thou gin-phizzed, rye-faced stumbier; ’Tis meet that such should be held by A ground and lofty tumbler !’ PROMOTING PEACE. ‘ I have here,’ said the cailer, ‘ a poem advocating peace.’ ‘ I suppose,’ asked the editor, ‘ that you honestly and sincerely desire peace.’ ‘ Yes, sir. : ‘Then burn the poem.’ EVIDENCE. 1 Was that man ever a farmer?’ inquired Mrs Corntossel. ‘ No,’ answered her husband, positively. ‘ But he’s always talkin’ about the delights of livin’ in the country? ‘ That’s what shows he never was a farmer.’ POVERTY INDEED. Beggar (piteously) : Ah, sir, I am very, very hungry. Dyspeptic (savagely): Then have the decency to keep your good fortune to yourself. I haven’t had an appetite for years. SU RELY. A physician was called in to prescribe for a new client. He listened to a tei rible tale from the invalid, who, by his own account, was suflering from all the ills known to diseased humanity. The list, so impressed the doctor that at last he exclaimed : “ What splendid health you must have to endure all these maladies !’ KLONDYKE. Great river. No streets. Lots of shiver. Mountain steeps. Much cold No bike— Rumoured gold. Klondyke. RARE OLD STUFF. ‘I tell you,’ exclaimed the patriot, ‘ the spirit of ’9B is at work.’ ‘ You bet,’ replied Swiller. ‘ I just had about four fingers of it around at Finnigan’s. It went down like oil.’ I)IFFERENT CASE. ‘ I must, I must steal a kiss.’ ‘ Poor fellow !’ she sighed in pity. <>f course, were he wealthy, on the contrary, there need be no stealing about it.

SPITE WORK. Maud : • 1 understand she married him out of spite.’ Clarice : ‘ Really’’ Maud : ‘ Yes, she said if no other man would propose to her she was liound he should propose to no other girl.’ SUFFICIENT REASON. Judge: ‘Canyon give any reason why sentence of the court should not lie pronounced on you for picking that man’s pocket ?’ Culprit : ■ Yer Honor, I—er—did it in a fit of abstraction.’ IN AGREEMENT. Roman Parent: I shall pay your debts this time, sir, but understand that in future 1 decline to be a party to your extravagance. It is useless to ask nie to increase your allowance, which is already more than sufficient for every reasonable requirement. Upon two hundred a year, sir you ought to be able to maintain your position with credit. Young Hopeful : Yes, dad, and if that’s all you’re going to do for me I shall want plenty of it.

Algy : I’ve got evwything weady. Now I leave it to you to say which way we shall go—up or down ’ Cholly : We-ell, foah my part I’d just as leave PROMISE HE MADE. The Woman : Do you want a chance to work ’ The Tramp : Madam, I promised my mother on her deathbed that 1 would never touch anything into which the element of chance entered. CUTTING OFF HER RETREAT. • Miss Brown—Louisa, will you be a sister to me ’’ • What an extraordinary question. Of course I cannot.’ ‘Then will you be my wife ’’ GOOD HATER. Mrs Weeds : Do you like widows, Mr Grumply ? Old Bachelor: I do not, madam. I’d like to forbid marriage altogether in order to wipe ’em out. PROOF POSITIVE. Quizzer: What makes you think the inventor of the tandem was a woman ? Guyer : Man is placed in the background.

A LESSON. [The Long Island railway company is building six special bicycle cars, each designed to hold 144 machines. —‘ St. Janies’ Budget. ] Our cyclists, in spite of the poet, have reck oned This ‘ right little island ’ a wrong island, And still will so do, till our train-runners second But they hope that.-, admitting her faults, she will soon Be a worthy-of-eulogist’s-song island ; Though a short island now of a long-needed boon, They believe she’ll learn wisdom from Long Island ! —“ London Fun.” PROFITLESS. Blynkes : Well, what did old Bullion say when you proposed to marry his daughter ’ Wynkes : He gave assent. Blynkes: And when you alluded to the matter of dowry, old man ’ Wynkes : He refused a cent.

go up I SHOWED HER PATRIOTISM. ‘ Do you find your wife at all interested in the war ?’ said Johnson. ‘ Well, she’s just thrown away a barrel of Spanish onions,’ answered Jenkins. OTHER THINGS IMMATERIAL. ‘ What must a man do, doctor, to attain a ripe old age ?’ • Live.’ PARENTAL BLINDN ESS. Old Gotrox : You must be crazy to want to marry my daughter.’ Jack Brokeleigh : O, no, I’m not. And if you knew her as well as 1 do you yourself would realise that she is a fair sort of girl. TOO PRECIOUS. Wife : The doctor orders me to the baths at Rotorua, and you refuse me the means to go. That shows how little you value me ! Husband : On the contrary, I do not wish to lose a pound of you.